Jisung POV
Introvert.
Yes, that word defines me to some extent.
I would rather stay home, read a good book, or watch a good movie by myself than go out with someone.
Even though I am this reserved, I have a couple of friends that I like to hang out with from time to time. I can be funny and a comfortable person to hang out with too.
I tend to be really clinging to the people I care about a lot. Especially with my brother, and my closest friends.
In my free time, I used to read a lot. My favorite books were romance and fiction.
I have always known what I want and how to behave in society. I know myself, and I love myself.
Or that's what I thought...
My whole world changed drastically when I met Hyun-su. He was the opposite of me. Like two completely different worlds.
That guy was an extreme extrovert. A problematic guy that liked to be in fights, get drunk and get high. Although, this last thing, I discovered it until very late.
I was in my late seventeen when I met this guy. He was friends with an acquaintance of mine. That's all I knew about him.
We casually met in the summer when we were on vacation. He was carrying some books in his left hand.
That called my attention, so I started a conversation with him, asking about the books and the authors.
Soon we found out that we had a lot in common, and that made me happy.
Hyun-su was a funny person, very romantic, and full of energy. He had a special charisma that removed my insides.
When we were in our small reunions, he used to do a lot of stupid things just to make me laugh or call my attention. That is how he started to win my heart. Little by little.
He wrote poems, letters, and a few verses to express what he felt for me the first time we met.
Hyun-su was really good with words. He knew exactly how to make me fall for him, and I eventually did it without notice.
It was the first time I fell for someone that hard.
I liked a lot of guys and even dated ones before Hyun-su, but I never let anyone get close to me. I was scared to get in a real relationship like anyone else.
But not with him.
Hyun-su was different.
He made me discover a Han Jisung that I never thought I could be.
This guy made me dig in my deepest self and find someone incredible. Someone that had been sleeping there since who knows when.
As time was passing, I soon realized how reserved I was. Completely different from Hyun-su.
And that started to worry me.
That worried me because I liked him. I liked him a lot, and for that reason, I tried to change.
I started to drink and smoke in order for him to like me more because those were things that Hyun-su liked to do. And in my stupidity, I thought that was a good idea.
That was my first mistake.
It was a stupid decision I took. However, it worked. He liked me more and more every time.
He loved this character I created. The one that was an extrovert and liked to get drunk whenever he wanted.
Soon the both of us started to escape from our circle of friends just to be the two together, drinking and smoking, reading books, talking about life, and of course, talking about how much we liked each other.
One time he offered me something that made me hesitate for a second. He offered me weed, a common drug between youngsters. But that, in the long run, can open the door to other heavy drugs.
I looked at him for an instant and saw the sweet smile he held. As if it was the most normal thing in this world. As if he was offering me a sweet candy that caused no damage. This smile made me take it without hesitation.
I pretended that I liked it. He thought that I was an expert on this for the way I inhale from the ciggie. But I wasn't.
I only did this type of drug with Hyun-su. I was not keen to experiment with any drug in my life, but I did it for him.
How stupid.
Our love was so wild. The desire to be with the other carnally was so strong that being under the influence of alcohol and weed was how I gave myself to him.
That time when I lost my virginity, I was a little bit wasted.
It felt good. The sensation was new to me.
Although something felt wrong at that time. But I ignored it.
The next day, we were lying in each other's arms, naked, in a dark room with rock music still sounding in the background.
Bottles of alcohol and cigarette butts were everywhere.
At that time, I took it as a normal thing and even excited me to be this wild once in my life.
I was so in love with Hyun-su that I never thought of the consequences of that wild love. An added experience.
We did all these things before getting officially together. We became officially boyfriends after four months.
After that, we kept doing the same, making love and getting drunk whenever we liked it.
~~~
One specific day, reality hit me.
I was drinking so much. I was getting unconscious everywhere, and wasting a lot of money on alcohol.
This was not me. I was losing myself.
I reached my limit one of the times we were in an underground bar.
I woke up sitting on the floor, next to a toilet. My mind was somewhere else. The hurt in my stomach and throat was what woke me up.
Apparently, I was throwing up and soon fell asleep. Rock music was playing in the background when I woke up.
I looked at my hands, the ones that were numb. I tried to move them, but they seemed to move in slow motion.
My head was spinning around when I tried to stand up. It was difficult for me to keep standing up.
When I got out of that stall, I saw random and wasted guys entering and exiting the big restroom.
The bitter sensation in my mouth was killing me. So when I got alone in that room, I went to wash my face and mouth.
I washed it several times until the bitterness went away.
When I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a Han Jisung that I didn't recognize. I had to put my hands on the counter because I couldn't stand by myself.
I took a closer look and saw my face in the enormous mirror.
My eyes were red. They were trying to close against my will, and my head was spinning like crazy, making the image in the mirror distorted, showing me the worst version of myself.
"What am I doing with my life?" Was the thing I asked myself that day.
I held my head in an attempt to stop the spinning. Everything in that moment felt so wrong.
I was wrong.
I knew that I would never forget that moment in my life.
The way I saw a stranger. The way I didn't recognize myself in that mirror.
~~~
As soon as I felt less drunk, I went outside the restroom to look for my boyfriend.
I spotted Hyun-su with some of his friends. He was drinking and shouting at the loud music.
I don't know how long I was asleep in the restroom. I just know that he didn't notice and that hurt me.
"Hey, can we go home?" I tapped his shoulder. I was barely able to stand up, so I grabbed his arm in order for me not to fall.
"Ji!!" He was startled. "Geez! Where were you?!" His face suddenly became worried.
"I was throwing-" I cut myself.
"You were what, babe?" He got closer to me because the loud music didn't let us speak or hear each other.
"I was in the restroom," I omitted the last thing I actually wanted to say, "can we go home?"
"Sure, babe! I will only tell my friends that we are leaving, okay?" He kissed my lips and went to bid goodbye to his friends.
After a couple of minutes, we were heading to my home.
Once I touched the bed, I didn't know anything about me again that night. I was so drunk. The memories are still blurred.
~~~
The weeks went rapidly after that day. During those days, I had a serious talk with myself.
What that day in the bar happened made me realize a lot of things.
It was time to make some changes. I wanted a healthy relationship, like the ones I read in my favorite books.
So one day, I proposed to myself to talk with Hyun-su about it and try to see what happens.
I wanted to confess to him that I didn't like to drink nor smoke, that it was just me being someone else.
It took me time to gather the courage, and once I collected it, I spoke with him.
"Hyun-su..."
"Oh, no!" He gasped dramatically, "you said my name...what did I do?" He asked while covering his mouth in surprise.
I narrowed my eyes on him. "What are you talking about? That's your name...?"
"Yes, but..." Hyun-su approached me and planted a kiss on my neck, "you..." He went to my lips and kissed me passionately, "say my name..." His right hand traveled above my thigh, going up to my member, "only when something serious is happening," he struck me a little bit, and this made me lose myself for a moment.
He licked my lower lip and soon inserted his tongue inside my mouth, not giving me the time to process his actions.
I was getting immersed in the kiss and so needy for tasting him. However, what I wanted to say was more important.
So, I stopped him.
"Hyun-su, we really need to talk!" I said while gently pushing him from above me.
"Ugh! You just cut me off...now what I'm going to do with this?" He said while motioning to his hard member.
"Yah! You started it!" I spatted.
"Well...technically this is your fault," he said, smirking.
I glared at him. "And why is that?!"
"Because you turn me on just by seeing you..." he pinned me to the bed and placed his thigh in between my legs, "you know how much I love your body..." And started to hover above me.
His eyes were full of lust and desire. And that turned me on.
"See?" Hyun-su touched my now hard member, "I knew you wanted to," he whispered seductively in my ear.
"Oh, shut up!" I rolled my eyes and soon pinned him to the bed, "don't blame me on this..."
This time I climbed above him, and soon we started to make love.
The conversation was forgotten, in the meantime, our bodies were loving each other.
The screams and moans, the wet kisses, and our racing hearts were always present in our relationship.
I thought that it was something normal between lovers. However, I wanted something more than lust and desire. I wanted someone to talk with, just like we used to do at the beginning when we first met.
After a while, we fell exhausted on the bed. Already tired from loving each other so much and with our bodies destroyed.
Hyun-su was holding me in his arms and leaving small kisses on my forehead.
"I love you, my baby boy..." He whispered before drifting to sleep.
I looked up at him and frowned, "I love you...too..." I said with a weak tone.
I hate how I never noticed how Hyun-su said that he loved me only when we made love...I hate how I never noticed how we never talked with our mouths but with our bodies instead.
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