I stay like that for what feels like eternity, frozen to the spot.
Paralyzed.
Robbed of breath.
Suffocating.
Stealing my will.
Sapping away my strength.
Eating me from inside out.
Slowly, deviously, killing me.
The only thing holding me up is the fence gate. It's always the worst at the start, isn't that what Aerith once said? And I had laughed with them, sure that I would never feel the same feeling as I do at this moment.
I had laughed, a mocking echo of which comes back to taunt me now.
All in my head.
Is this even real?
Or am I dreaming?
Nails dig into my palm, drawing thin lines of red. But I don't care, don't flinch at the sharp prick. I need the pain. Need it to take me away from the pain in my own heart. My hands are shaking now, trembling, threatening to lose control like the rest of me. I'm dreaming, this isn't real, I'll wake up to see him right in front of me, this cannot be true…I repeat these words over and over, trying to convince myself, even half-believing, that saying the words will make them come true.
But deep down, I know it won't happen.
The realistic side of me is fighting against the emotional side. Mind over heart. It's a terrible battle, and the essence that's just purely me is caught in the crossfire. Two separate entities, both fighting for dominance in my body.
A chilly wind blows at that point, snapping me out of my thoughts. I'm back in the real world, not my universe of fantasies and idle thoughts. Everything’s quiet. You'd think that when your life stops, so does the world. But that's not how things work. Life goes on, unhindered. Leaving you behind to drown in your own emotions.
But I can't do that. I want to, but I know I can't. Life must go on. I guess it won't be ‘life as usual’ from now on, but life is life. It’s like Sephiroth died, but better and worse at the same time. Good, because I know he’s definitely still alive and healthy, but worse, knowing that we won't see each other for at least a few more years. I wish I could fast-forward to the future, skip to the day I see him again in front of me. Unfortunately for me, no one can do that. So I have to wait.
Glancing down at my hands, I find them still gripping the fence unconsciously, blood dripping from between my fingers and staining the wood a dark reddish brown. Slowly, I peel them away, only now feeling the sting of the scratches where my nails bit into the soft skin of my palms. I tilt my head upwards, looking up at the setting sun, bathing the world in its beautiful rays of gold, pink and crimson. Its dying glory. Basking in the night breeze for just a moment longer, I mouth a silent farewell to Sephiroth before walking back into the house.