I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 20

Trigger Warning: Unhealthy Relationship with Meds (Don't Read if this is a trigger, stay safe everyone!)

At my first therapy session (well technically second if you're counting the one I told them at) after I told Chris that I was dating Jared, they say something that sticks with me for the rest of the day. 

Not surprisingly, he's been a good portion of the subject matter for our sessions since then. It makes sense, of course. Chris is my therapist, and so obviously they're going to want to talk about the fact that I have a boyfriend because there's probably some sort of thing that needs to be unpacked with that which was what I was trying to avoid but I just felt so terrible continuing to lie which should make me feel better about myself but the fact that I was doing it in the first place kind of cancels it out. 

Anyways, the two of us are talking, and then Chris brings up the topic of medication, which I really don't like because it didn't seem like it was about to be an 'Oh, Evan, let's cut some of your doses, you seem like you're doing better'. Surprise surprise, it wasn't. 

In fact, it was almost the exact opposite. 

Chris had come to the conclusion over the past few therapy sessions that I might be struggling with my mental shit (probably because the lying had started to become an issue again, which they wouldn't have found out if I just continued telling them everything is okay), so they had decided that maybe we should talk about increasing the dosage of my Lexapro, just temporarily.

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Which is what I've been trying to avoid for years now. This is the wrong direction. More medication is just more reminders of how fucked up my brain is, and what that got me up to in high school. More medication is just more reminders of how much I hate myself, and how valid that conclusion is. 

I probably don't really need it that much. I mean, I stopped taking it for a few weeks back in high school. Was it the best choice for me? Probably not. But I'm different now. Improved. I don't need meds to keep me 'normal'. 

Not that they ever did much for me. 

Plus, I hate it that whenever I hide something from Chris all of the sudden it's 'You can tell me anything Evan' 'I thought we talked about this Evan' 'I'm not mad, Evan, just a little bit disappointed' or currently, 'Maybe we need to talk about some more effective solutions, Evan'. I don't see why telling them every little detail about my life is going to help me. Sure, I still get anxious around strangers a lot, but not as bad as I used to. See, I don't need any meds!

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Back to what Chris was saying. They were talking about how they had noticed I might be needing just a slight dosage increase, because the current amount didn't seem to be helping me that much, and then they decided to bring in Jared to it. Which, I mean, I don't hold a grudge against them for, but still. 

They said that even though I was experiencing a lot of joy right now, I couldn't just give up on making progress. Once again, they were making a correct statement. I know that. Mental health doesn't just improve once you get someone who really loves you in your life. It's still a process, or whatever. 

But all of that made me wonder something. 

Maybe the reason I was starting to seem more anxious in therapy and getting back to some of my older tendencies was because I was getting too attached to Jared. 

In Chris' words, "It's okay to love someone. When you start acting like they're the only reason you have to improve your mental health, or that they're the thing that's going to improve it for you, you have to remind yourself that this is a you thing. They can help you, of course, but ultimately you're doing this for you."

Which, okay, that's smart. 

And it makes me wonder. Is that's what's happening with Jared?

 Am I getting too close to Jared? Too clingy? He doesn't seem to mind, and before this, I didn't really think that this was something I had to worry about. 

But Chris makes a point, a valid point. 

Am I depending on Jared to improve my mental health? 

I don't think so. But if I was, would I even realize? I probably wouldn't. One of my favorite things to do when I start doing something, as my several therapists have put it, 'destructive', is to deny that it has the possibility to actually get bad. 

That's probably why they call it destructive. 

It was like that with the Connor Project. Of course, I knew that I should've told the Murphys about the truth behind the letter. And then going to his wake felt terrible, obviously. But when I did that, I needed to go to the dinner they invited me to, and then I couldn't just let them down when they asked for more proof, and then that's how the letter situation began. 

It should've been easy to stop that whole thing, but I was never brave enough to speak up until the itch in my gut became a wrenching pain that I couldn't ignore any longer. 

Point is, I could totally be getting too dependent on Jared, and I might not know. 

And so, if I am doing that, I need to stop. I mean, I still don't really believe that I am, but once again, I could be. Then if that's the truth, that's the reason why Chris is thinking that my Lexapro isn't working anymore, and they need to up the dose. 

So if I fix my dependency problem with Jared (and put up with the medication thing for right now), I should start to be acting 'normal' again. If that happens, then I can resume the getting off medication operation where I left off.

There are problems with this of course. The first, and most obvious, is what if Chris sees right through my plan? They're smart: that's why they're a therapist. They could totally see that I'm doing things, and although I don't totally get why what I'm trying to do would be a problem I'm almost certain that they might have some sort of problem with it, and wouldn't that just be the most Evan thing ever to take a plan intended to do one thing and have it end up doing the exact opposite? 

It totally would be. 

The second problem, which I'm not sure is that much of a problem that I need to worry about realistically but if I screw this up I screw so much up so I should probably worry about it too is that there's a chance this could mess up my relationship with Jared. 

I mean, the chances are low. But what if I mess up trying to have a healthy relationship with Jared and mental health and end up sending the signal that I don't want Jared to be my boyfriend anymore because that's totally something that I could end up doing. On the other hand, the rational part of me wants to say that Jared wouldn't ever misunderstand something like this, and worst comes to worst I could always tell him. 

But on the other hand, I don't know how much Jared really likes me. Maybe he likes me as much as he says he does, but if he really doesn't then everything could go to shit much more easily and that's exactly what I need. 

In conclusion, I've fucked things up once again, but for once I should actually be able to reverse that. 

Or I could make everything worse. 

Probably worse. 

I still am going to do it, though. 

I have to. 

Summary: Evan explains how he struggles with taking the medication that helps with his anxiety, because it makes him feel worse about himself, and adds that he personally thinks he's getting better, an opinion that his therapist doesn't share. 

A/N: Hi there everybody!

I hope your week has been going well. For those who go to school and have a winter break, I'm assuming that you've been let out of school. If you have been, I hope that you make sure to focus on your mental health over break. That's really important. 

In other news, I had some hot cocoa today. More like lukewarm chocolate syrup by the time I drank it but it was still pretty good.

Stay safe, everyone. I love you all. 

Your dearest author, 

Angie 

Word Count: 1316