I Guess They Never Disappear

VII

Alana POV

I'm lost in thought as I make my way through the not-too-crowded streets back to our apartment.

The clerkship I took over the summer went well, and the head of the firm told me that depending on my bar results, I could possibly be expecting to work there. 

Of course, that depends on much of my performance this year: comments from pro-bono work, remarks from professors, grades on essays and exams, and then, of course, the bar. I've been having to study almost non-stop when I'm at home because if I manage to get this job when I finish law school, Zoe and I will be in the clear, pretty much. Even an entry-level law position pays pretty well. 

The place she plays gigs at still hasn't opened back up. I know she's losing hope that it ever will. Every day I watch her march off to work, her chin up high, I feel like she gets a little further away from me. Her parents made her learn to live with her burdens alone, and I'm worried that it'll be the end of her. 

 I just want for her to be able to worry a little less about keeping the two of us afloat. 

Zoe hasn't played her guitar in weeks now. The case is stuffed firmly in the back of our shared closet. I've tried talking about it with her before, but she just waves her hand and asks if we can move to a different subject. 

It makes me wonder what happened. I mean, I have my suspicions about it, but Zoe and I were really good at, well, communicating with each other. Now it's as though there's some sort of unwritten rule that this is the one subject we'll never be able to breach. I want to.

I want her to understand that no matter what happens, we're going to be okay. She doesn't need to worry. If we have to, we can move back in with my parents. It'll be fine. I've tried to tell her this. 

Like discussing the guitar, she doesn't want to hear it. 

When I open the door to the apartment, Zoe's sitting on the couch, dressed in a slightly fancier than usual outfit and scrolling through her phone. I remember, a little too late, that today is Friday. 

It's easy to get lost in the week, what with having the same routine of wake up, eat quickly, go to class(es) all day, come home, eat, study late into the night, and then sleep. 

"Hey 'Lana," Zoe says. 

"Hi love," I say, setting down my bags. 

"You look exhausted."

"I am."

"Do you still want to go out for dinner tonight or...?"

"Of course I still want to go out for dinner, Zoe. Let me go change into something a little more comfortable first, though."

"Okay," she says, "I was thinking the kebab truck tonight, yeah?"

"Perfect. I'll be right back, love."

"Okay."

She goes back to looking at her phone and I quickly go back to our shared bedroom, where I take off the suit that I had to wear today and exchange it for a long purple floral dress and some thicker socks to go under my boots. 

When I get back out, she doesn't see me right away. I take a moment to admire how at rest she looks right now, so free of everything that's happened in the past few months. 

Then she sees me, and the moment breaks a little, but the smile still remains on her face. 

"You ready?"

"I still need to put on my boots," I say, gesturing towards the pair of Doc Martens sitting by the door. 

"Hurry up!" She bounces up and down on the spot.