I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 5

Trigger Warning: Panic Attack (Do Not Read if this is a trigger, stay safe everybody!) 

I'm texting my mom when I first hear about him.

We've just been talking about my day, which had gone pretty well, up until that point. I'd spent it mentoring one of the junior rangers about invasive flora in the park and supervising the removal of a couple of specimens. 

The kid asked a lot of questions, but she seems like she's genuinely happy to have an internship here, which makes me so happy. Seeing new people with an interest in the trees is such a wonderful thing.

I wonder if that's how ranger Gus felt, back all those years ago. 

Anyways, my mom's saying that she's so proud of how far I've come from high school, and then all of the sudden she's just mentioning the casual fact that 'Oh yes, Jared Kleinman is back in town, I was talking to his mom just today,' and then I can't focus on her next message. 

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Because Jared is back in town, which is so bad for so many reasons, because Penfield isn't tiny, but it's not huge either, and he probably knows I still work at Ellison Park, and he might come there, and what would I say to that? Or he might not, and I would be able to avoid him but then I'd feel so guilty about avoiding him, because it's not like he's the one whose fault it is.

The fact also remains that my mom has been talking to his, which is bad, very bad, because that means that she's still in contact, although why would she stop talking to her friend just because her son had a falling out with her son? But what if my mom decides that we need to start hanging out again, and Jared has to hang out with me, even though I don't want to, except I do, but he's obviously trying to move on from me (which makes it sound like we dated) and why should I deny him that?

In conclusion, Evan Hansen is once again fucked due to his own inability to be a decent person sometimes. 

I mean, that's not exactly true, as Chris would say. They'd remind me that 'I tried to fix what I did,  but some things just can't be fixed'. And I'd sit on that uncomfortable couch that I wanted to lie down on so badly, and blink because of the bright lighting and try to make eye contact, except I would fail, and then in the end I'd just nod my head and say okay quietly, and they'd make a note on their clipboard, and I would stare out the window uncomfortably. 

See, part of me wants to hope that Jared and I were close enough to have some sort of ability to rebuild our friendship, that he would be into that or whatever, but the other part of me recognizes that that's stupid, of course it's stupid, because it was very clear in high school that he didn't want me around, but I had to stick around, because he was the only person I had. 

Then an alert tone pings and I look down at my phone to see my mom's worried "You haven't messaged back for ten minutes, is everything all right?" and I fumble with my phone, trying to respond, because I don't want her getting suspicious, and then talking to Chris, and then the two of them realizing that Evan is lying, and Evan is definitely not getting better, and Evan needs even more pills. 

But what's a natural response? It's not like me to just stop in the middle of a conversation like that unless something happened, and she knows that, and she also knows that Absolutely Nothing Happens To Evan Hansen, ever. 

In the end I settle for a "I was cooking something and it needed tending to." which should be good enough except then she asks what I was cooking and I have to tell her and then I have to say that I simply have to shower, and goodbye, and I love you.