I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 13

Jared pulls the popcorn out of the microwave. It's mildly scorched, which makes me wonder how on planet Earth Jared managed to survive in a dorm with, from the way he tells it, the absolute most incompetent person to ever be an adult for several years. 

Then again, I wasn't rooming with him, so I'm certain his assessment must be not completely factual. Hard to believe there's someone worse at being an adult than me. 

Right, right, we are not saying those things. Chris would be... pissed. I mean, they wouldn't phrase it like that, but I'm pretty sure they would be mad at me even though our sessions are ninety percent them reassuring me that I'm doing well and they don't hate me. Which is an absolutely fabulous metric. 

Then again, it's not like I'm telling them about my actual thoughts or really anything that reflects me, really, so I don't need to worry about them hating my lies. Evan Hansen, lying again. Who would've thought?

Jared pokes me in the shoulder. 

"Earth to Evan?"

"Huh?"

"I put your popcorn in a bowl, idiot, c'mon."

It's weird, how he steps foot in this house, and all of the sudden it's his place. Not that I particularly mind having someone who can tell me what to do because right now I just want to hide under my bed the entire day and not take care of myself and it's all over a stupid wedding and pretending to date stupid fucking Jared so clearly, once again, someone should revoke my Adult Privileges. Shit not like that I mean like that I can live alone and have a driver's license and take the bus by myself and schedule my own appointments. 

Anyways, Jared decided that the absolute best way to figure out how to fake date is to find pretty much every movie that's ever been made on it and binge-watch them and I don't have the courage to tell him that I don't think that plan is going to work because they're all about a heterosexual couple, for the most part, that's in high school and then at the end of the movie the girl kisses the guy and they get together or something and that isn't going to happen with me and Jared, I'm sure of it. 

But he seems pretty confident of what we're doing, so I decide to just go along with it. 

Halfway through some movie, I think it's our third, Jared puts his arm around me and pulls me in a little closer. 

Which cues my brain to go fuck fuck fuck because it isn't like I'm in love with Jared or something because, you know, he's Jared. Not like it's bad that he's Jared, but like, I don't think I would ever fall in love with him or something. It's like the number one rule of sort-of close friends: Don't Fucking Fall In Love. Because if you don't know the person, right, or you're only sort of friends then if they don't feel the same way then you part ways and never talk to them again and it's fine, it's fine. Then everybody says, you know, don't fall in love with your best friend, but if you are that close, then maybe there's a slight chance that they like you back if you hang out that much, and even if it goes poorly there's a chance that they'll still want you around and it will all supposedly be okay. 

But someone you're only sort-of close with? That's the most awkward period in a friendship where you're on the way to being 'best friends forever' but you're not there yet and you are both giving each other time to back out but no one is. And so you're just stuck pining over someone you're not sure even likes the fact you exist.  If you fall in love with that person the chances of ruining everything are much, much, much higher. Or so I've decided, but it seems to be the unwritten rule. 

Point is, I'm definitely not in love with Jared because that would just be violating rules of common sense.

Then again, I'm also confused, because maybe Jared is just a touchy person except the thing is he's never been touchy in this way. See he's always been touchy in the annoying sense, like whacking me or sitting in my lap all those weeks ago. This is different though and I don't really know what to think about it. I mean, the other option is that he's just getting used to what I assume we're going to have to do all the time now when we're around parents.