I Guess They Never Disappear

Finale (Part One)

Three Months Later

I straighten my tie in the mirror nervously. Jared and his mom are going to take me to Ellison with them, which is where Heidi and Paul are getting married, and then I'll ride along to the ballroom for dinner with them.

The dark blue stands out against the pale white fabric of my dress shirt. I don't like to dress up this much. It reminds me of all the things I'm not: composed, calm, not anxious, et cetera. 

Things Jared is. 

No. Evan. Now is not the time. 

With that done, there's no other reasonable thing for me to do except sit down on the couch and wait for Jared to arrive. I've put my boutonniere in a Tupperware so I don't crush it by accident because that would be really embarrassing if I showed up at the wedding with a little pile of pale yellow petals in my hand. 

I rub my palm over the knuckles of my other hand, trying to distract myself from tonight. 

Tonight. The entire reason Jared and I are dating in the first place. The thing we've been preparing for. So many chances to make a fool of myself, and I'm sure I will. I always do. If it isn't one thing it's another because why would it be; there's always some way to one-up the reason I can give people for why they might judge me. 

I feel terrible. My own mother is having her big day and here I am sitting like a big baby in a suit, anxious over something that has nothing to do with me at all. 

How would Jared agree to even pretend to date me?

Jared unlocks the door without warning and steps into the room before I have time to think anything else. 

He's dressed in the same suit as me. It's weird to see Jared dressed up; it's just not his thing. He's normally this sort-of casual that shows he doesn't care enough to dress up a lot a lot but still seems to look put together and stylish. Jared just does. I've never learned that skill in my entire fucking life. 

And I never will. 

"Earth to Evan," Jared practically sings. 

"Hi Jared," I say. 

"You ready for this, Evan?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

Jared bends down to look me in the eye. I look away. How childish I am, once again, because of anxiety. Not that anyone would ever expect differently. 

"Well yes Jared, I am sure, I'm totally sure it's not like there's any reason why I would not be sure because I just do this every single day of my life and there's no possible reason why I should indicate anything to the contrary okay that was mean I'm sorry you're doing so much for me you didn't deserve that I-"

"Did you take your meds?"

I sigh. 

"Yes."

"Do you have your... uh.. the one you use when things get really bad?"

"Yes."

"And the inhaler?"

"Also yes. Look Jared you don't have to baby me. I can take care of myself. Oh wait shit that was rude you didn't do anything bad sorry  I'm sorry I didn't mean it please don't be mad-"

"Evan," he says, putting his hand on my shoulder, "It's fine. We get through tonight, right?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah." 

Something about him changes as he stands up. I don't know what. I never know what.

"Well —" he straightens his tie again in the mirror — "Let's go then, okay?"