I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 19

Jared POV

Evan's eyes are empty as he looks down at me. It's creepy, really. I've never seen him like this. 

He's always thinking something. He's always feeling something. Most of the time, the anxiety shines through. Sometimes he gets comfortable around someone for a bit, and it wears away like one of those stupid scratch-draw things that kids make in art class or whatever. Then you can see the joy or whatever in his eyes. 

But not caring Evan? Not caring Evan isn't something I've ever experienced. 

And so it's scary. 

I sound like him, fuck. 

"What are you doing, Jared?" he says, and it's nothing like Evan. 

"Sitting?" 

And it's nothing like me either. My voice has been stripped of all of the cockiness, all of the me. Everything that makes me me, the stuff that people love me or hate me for (but I know it's hate me, people just tend to hate me) is gone. Maybe I'm not actually there.. 

"What are you thinking, Jared?" Evan says, and the tone is low and deep and I don't like it at all because this isn't Evan, with this even, monotone voice, and emotionless eyes, towering over me like he's found the key to the world and it's knowing that he's so much more valuable than me. 

"About you."

"Me?" 

Evan smirks, but his eyes don't change. They're still just there, still emotionless, still not-Evan in the slightest. 

"What are thinking about me, Jared?" 

I go to say the words I mean. I try to tell him that he seems nothing like himself right now and this isn't really a funny joke. 

But I can't say them. 

I'm myself, but I'm not apparently. 

Because when I say the words, they float out and crumple in the dark. Invisible. Silent. Like I spoke them out in the emptiness of space.

And me, but not-me speaks instead. 

"How I don't deserve you, Evan." 

I try to lift one of my hands, try to place it over my mouth so I can take back what I've just said, and never explain to Evan that that's actually the truth but he can't know that because if he does he might start to think it's true. I mean, it is, but I can't let him realize it. He hasn't realized, for almost all the years we've been friends, and even then, he still came back eventually. 

And I can't lose him again. 

Evan's eyes flicker with something, for the first time since I've arrived here. What, I can't tell. It's gone as soon as it comes, like a flame in the darkness. Not one of healing, I don't think. This is the kind of fire that burns you no matter how hard you try to protect yourself. 

"You really think that, Jared?"

No.

"Yes."

He stares out into the dark behind me, his eyes focusing and unfocusing on something. I turn around. There's nothing there. 

"Well, I thought I would have to be the one to make you admit it."

His words are cold, colder than the ones before, and his eyes still aren't on me. 

"Admit what?"