I Guess They Never Disappear

VI

Trigger Warning: Unsupportive/Bad Parents (Do Not Read if this is a trigger, stay safe everyone!)

Zoe POV

Alana's off at one of her classes right now, so it's just me and Jasper in the apartment. 

It feels weird to be without her, now. Alana's classes don't die down that much, but the past few weeks we've been able to go places on the weekends and actually spend time together. Now, however, they're starting back up in earnest and I'm stuck at home. The little bar I tend to play at is closed down for a few months because the owner got in an accident and she doesn't have anyone who can open it for her. 

Yesterday we got the news that it might not open again. 

So I might not have a semi-steady source of income anymore. 

I mean, I can always try to find another place to play at. Getting a live musician to play somewhere costs more money than just playing music over speakers, and besides, there aren't like a surplus of venues in this town. I mean, there are other bars, but I've passed by them on my way home. 

And let's just say I was glad I was in the car. 

There's a reason I like the little place I tend to play gigs at, the owner is no-nonsense, and I know all of the staff there. Even though there are a bunch of drunk people there that are sometimes a little less into personal space than I wish they were, I know that I'm safe.

The other places I could play at? Not so much. 

But if that closes down? Larry and Cynthia shut off the flow of money months ago and Alana doesn't exactly have time to be working jobs on the side. She's going to be busy for a long time and so I'm the one that needs to work. 

Larry and Cynthia, or well, Cynthia, keep sending the letters. I know that I should just through them in the trash as soon as I receive them. When I talked with Alana, we agreed that it would probably be easier for me to just toss them and spare my mental health the pain.

Here's the thing about messages: you can tell yourself not to open them, to ignore them, whatever you like. You can tell yourself to ignore them and go focus on something that's better for you. They still call out to you, though, and they're hard to ignore. 

__________________________________________________________________________

A part of me wonders if there's a chance that the contents of the letter will change. Maybe in the next one, I'll actually have decent parents who don't hate me for being myself. 

Nothing ever changes. It's a lost hope. 

The worst part of it is, the stuff they say is becoming more and more true. 

All throughout this letter saga, they've reminded me that I would've been better off if I had just stuck to their wishes and hadn't gone off on my own. 

I didn't believe it at first, because I still was playing gigs then and earning enough money that I could still put something in the bank and also afford to make sure Alana and I were living fine. 

With the cutoff of the job, though, what they start to say sounds less like the comments of cruel people who just want me to live the life they had planned for me and more like people just pointing out the facts.

Maybe they are right that I did the whole moving out thing too young. I thought I could take on the world, but it seems like I'm not going to be able to. 

I mean, I'm not just going to leave Alana. She's been with me for so much and I really don't know what I would do without her. I'll date her as long as she still wants to date me. 

The only thing left to do is get, as Larry would put it, an 'actual job'.

Looking at a Google search, I notice that a Starbucks near me is hiring right now, and I decide to go down there tomorrow to enquire about getting a job when Alana's in class. I don't want her thinking she needs to go get a job, because knowing her, she will. Right now, we're technically fine. There's money saved up. I don't really need to get a job, because if we're lucky the bar reopens three months from now, I go back to playing gigs, and problem solved. We might be dipping a little too far into our emergency fund, but it shouldn't be an issue. 

On the other hand, if the bar doesn't open back up, our money is going to just continue to be spent. And Starbucks doesn't pay as well as some little indie bar. So I'd rather start working there early, just to be on the safe side. 

I can't move back to Penfield. Alana might be able to stay here without me: she lived by herself before I moved in. But I don't have a family to welcome me back home. 

In fact, they'd probably take some pride in denying me entry back into the house. 

It'd probably be exactly what they've wanted all these months. The stupid gay girl comes crying back to her parents when she can't survive in the 'real world' on her own and they get to say sorry, you're not allowed to live here anymore. I'm pretty sure they've sold my stuff that I left at home, although I don't think I'll ever be able to get it anyways. 

It's a lot to deal with. You grow up with some people and even though you know they don't really like you that much, they're at least somewhat of a constant. And then - no one. 

____________________________________________________________________________

February is cold. 

The air is icy; it feels sharp and fresh and clean on my skin. 

I've started sitting out on the balcony when Alana isn't home. 

Our apartment is hot. Alana is warmth, she's always been warmth. She likes the heat, which is almost always cranked up as high as our budget will allow indoors. During the summer we barely ran the A.C. at all. 

With Alana there, it's cozy and perfectly-sized and makes me feel happy and loved. The exact opposite of the house I grew up in. It's actually a home. 

Without Alana, the air gets stuffy. It feels like it did back in Penfield where the house was so big that you had to turn the heater up a lot to actually heat all of it, and then most of it felt stuffy and dry and dead. 

So I go out on the balcony. 

Sure, it's cold. I like it that way, it seems. My room was always freezing. I think that was because my room didn't have multiple heater vents in it, unlike pretty much every other room in the house. But my room was always my refuge and so over time, I got used to the cold, rather than the stuffy heat. 

I feel more natural out here, more alive. 

And it's good to have at least one place, one moment, where I still do.

Summary: Zoe explains that she opens the letters still because she hopes that there's a chance her parents will get better, but they don't. She then adds that she's starting to think that they were maybe right about her not being able to move out into the world on her own. While she isn't going to leave Alana, she also notes that she doesn't have anywhere to go as her parents would probably take pride in not allowing her to come live at home. While she does this, she starts investigating a job at Starbucks to earn some money while her bar is closed. 

A/N: Hi there everybody!!!!

I hope that you're having a good day today! Make sure that you're taking care of yourself, okay? You are really important and you deserve it. 

Today I had lemon and honey tea to drink while I was writing this and now my throat is even more dry, I think. So that didn't work correctly. :)

Thank you to everyone who comments on this book! We've surpassed 500 reads which I just can't believe happened. You all mean so much to me!

Stay safe everyone, I love you!

Your dearest author,

Angie

Word Count: 1191