I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 16

Six Months Later

It's chilly once more where we live. Especially chilly, actually. I've lived here for forever and I don't think it's ever been this chilly in September before. I mean, it is almost October but still... it's really cold. 

In just a couple of months, it'll mark exactly a year since Jared came back. 

Wow. 

And a month later or so, well, that'll be the wedding. 

Spring and summer have gone by so fast. I spent them either with Jared or at work at Ellison. Sometimes both. He started showing up there and bothering me while I was working which, with good reason, made me anxious because I'm supposed to be doing a job, and what if someone gets mad that I'm talking to Jared. I mean I do my work most of the time but I can't be getting distracted while I'm working because I could lose the ranger position and that wouldn't be good. 

Jared stopped coming while I was working after I told him that. 

I was a little surprised, honestly, because he's Jared and once he starts doing something it's hard to get him to stop. 

Speaking of things that can't stop: me being a lovestruck fool around Jared. He walks this weird line of not actually doing anything that's flirty or indicates that he even knows I feel any sort of non-platonic interest in him. Then again, he's been extra hard to read these past few months. He was so open and then somewhere he started getting closed off again. It was around when we had dinner together, I think. 

That night. I'm not going to forget that night easily. 

So it's very possible that he does in fact know that I like him and that's really creepy, actually, because I'm not being friends with him to get in his pants, of course, but it seems like I am, at least to myself and if I think it there's no reason to suggest that he doesn't feel the exact same way; that is, I'm really fucking weird. 

In June, we drove down to New York City together and spent a week there, having fun, visiting the city.  You know?

Jared and I had to share a bed because we didn't want to get a two-bed room or multiple rooms or anything. 

I kept telling myself it was just so our parents wouldn't get suspicious. 

Every little thing he did was a struggle, a challenge. I needed to keep reminding myself that this was just Jared putting on a show like we had been doing for months at that point. It didn't mean anything to him, because he can just pretend to date someone and not catch feelings for them like the absolute idiot I am. 

It makes sense that he is able to remain so numb, to not feel anything about our not-exactly relationship. He's able to dance on the edge when we're around people, and then the second we're alone he drifts away as though it were nothing. Of course, he's not exactly pretending to date someone who would make that hard for him. 

Jared would want someone with an interesting personality, someone who doesn't always feel uncomfortable in public, someone who actually looks half-decent. Someone who isn't me. 

And he'll probably meet that man, someday. 

I focus back on carefully cleaning dust off of the windowsill. 

Someone unlocks the door behind me. 

Shit, someone is breaking in and I'm going to die and then Jared will come by and he'll find me in a pool of my own blood and he'll probably be disgusted because who gets murdered at 9:30 AM on a Sunday in their own apartment? Me, probably. 

"Oh hey, Evan," Jared says, locking the door behind him. 

I have no words. Yes, I did technically give him a key to this house, but I didn't think he'd just show up whenever he wanted.