deceived.// A$AP Rocky

nineteen.

Saturday morning I took my niece to the playground. I had been looking forward to this day all week- Nia was the little sunshine that made me realize how beautiful life could be.

"And then he just asked me on a date!", Lia told me, excitedly jumping up and down, I let out a laugh. "What did you say?" "I said no because he took my lunch from me half a year ago and he's not nice", she pouted. "Well, if that isn't a reason to reject someone", I laughed. 

"Yeah...wanna play hide and seek?", she asked, making a little laugh escape my throat again. "Yes, whatever you say!" After a few rounds, I got a phone call from Charlie, which I answered really quickly, telling Nia to hold still for a minute. But when I turned around, there was no Nia in sight. In panic, I started looking for her, only to find her waving, sitting on a stranger's lap and playing with his braids, but I couldn't make out who it was, although I had bad intentions.

When I came closer, I heard his voice and instantly recognized the guy. "So Nia, I like you a lot, but don't you think we should go look for your mommy?", he asked. Rakim was looking great, his skin shining in the bright sunlight, eyes sparkling like always. Nia wasn't focused on him anymore though, and he followed her glance, just to see me. "Hiiiiii!", Nia screamed, running up to me. "Look, this is the boy from the photo album that you always look at, I'm telling you, have a look!", she said, making Rakim look confusedly in my direction. I mentally facepalmed. Nia had found the photo album I had made for Rakim, and I explained to her who it was. She then had asked me whether I loved him or not, and when I had hesitated for a second too long, Nia was sure that I loved him and asked why we weren't together, which I had probably found some crappy excuse for. But being in this situation now was just nothing but very, very awkward. "I like Rakim a lot", she added, but she shut up when I glared at her. "Is she...your...daughter?", Rakim asked awkwardly, making eyes widen. "She is four, how is that gonna work?" "Oh." "...Yeah." "What photo album was she talking about?", he asked after a few seconds of me mentally screaming at my feet to walk away. "Oh, just a present I had been working on, I wanted to give it to you on your birthday, but since that didn't take place the way I had expected it to, it's still laying around in my flat'', I said harshly. "Oh, so that was all the keeping shit away from me ", he murmured. "Don't talk to me 'bout 'keeping shit away''", I hissed. "Yeah...can I still see the album though?", he asked, tilting his head a little. I swallowed. "Is he asking to visit you at your flat? Oh my god, that is so romantic!", Nia exclaimed, running around me faster than light. Rakim laughed, and I couldn't help but chuckle either. The hope in his eyes was shining so brightly I couldn't reject him. Not this time. I sighed, shrugged, and nodded.

The walk back was mostly Nia and Rakim talking about how kindergarten was, he was acting extremely cute, he even gave her a treat he happened to have in his jacket. We brought Lia back to her mother.

When we arrived at my flat, Rakim looked honestly impressed. It was very small, but I had spent a lot of time and money designing like I wanted my home to look like. "It's beautiful", he complimented. I made us some tea, while Rakim flicked through the pages of the album, smiling. The longer I watched him, the clearer it was to me that the guy I had fallen for wasn't only a facade. But nevertheless, he still wanted to do terrible things to me. Then why the fuck are you letting him stay in your flat and drinking tea with him?, a voice inside of my head screamed at me. Because you've been missing his presence, another voice answered. I sighed quietly, then sat next to him, and just then, I noticed his eyes were watery. He quickly wiped across them and cleared his throat. But when he read the last page, where I had written a letter to him, I noticed he was fighting his tears hard.

"Zara, we need to talk about this", he said slowly. "Rakim, don't get me wrong, but I think we're pretty much done", I said. "No, please listen to me", he begged. "I really think it's time for you to-" "I love you." I froze and stared at him with my eyes wide open.

"Okay, I'll just use my chance to talk now, please listen to me. I've thought about this for months and it's hard for me to tell you everything, but this is it, nothing but the truth.

So, when we were little and we got to know each other at the yellow house, your brother, you and I were really close. As we got older, I just....I kinda crushed on you, a little more every day. Now, the thing is, that your brother and I knew we weren't supposed to be friends. Our parents hated each other, that's why our friendship had always been a secret-the reason it even existed was Big Mama. The situation was fucked, I liked you, but I knew you didn't like me back, you were always hanging around with Jide because he was more popular I guess than I was at the time. That shit ate me up from the inside, so I talked to your brother, and we came to the conclusion it would be best if we started pretending we hated each other. The plan was that you and I would get more distant, and the stupid feelings would go away, at least that was what I thought was going to happen. But it didn't. Instead, your brother and I were getting more and more distant, until one day, when a friend of mine was shot. I blamed him, and that way we actually started hating each other. That's when all the shit began. But I still like you, for all those years, I just oppressed my feelings, put them in a bag, hoped they would just disappear. It was my inner hurt that made me decide on making up that stupid plan, and I'm sorry. My life left me cold-hearted, but you made the damn pain vanish. That's why I wanted you to be around so badly because you just made it go away. My life is shit, I lost so many people, my brother when I was 13. Died in Harlem, on the streets, and still, I sold drugs while my mother and sister were searching for a place to stay! I'm just...I hate to see you that way and know it's all my fault. You're perfect in my eyes, Zara. I know that you loving me back will always be a dream, but seeing you like this, it just...broke my heart. I gained your trust and broke it, and I would give everything to turn back time. I know I should have said that when you were about to leave, but I just wasn't able to talk", he finished. I just stared at him, unable to speak.

I had always known that Rakim wasn't a person to apologize, so this was unexpected. So he did love me? "I missed you more than you could ever imagine, I'm not all that cold, Zara", he added quietly. "I-", I stuttered. I couldn't believe it.

"I can't believe you, Rakim, first everything was fine, then you almost tried to kill me, and now this? I can't handle it, Rakim. It's just too much for me." After one look into his eyes, I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I had hurt his pride while trying to rebuild my own, rejected his honest apology.

 He slowly got up and left, looking at me with an empty, sad look that I couldn't stand. The door shut quietly, and I broke down and started crying immediately. Two untouched mugs, the tea forming little waves of smoke in the air. The world started spinning, I gasped for air.

I felt like I was drowning.

I stumbled towards the window and opened it, staring out of the night sky for a few minutes, sobbing and crying. It couldn't end like this, there had to be a solution.

But there was still a chance to make things up, right? What if I ran after him, told him how much I had missed him and that I didn't want to lose him again?

What if I just forgot about that damn pride?

//

Did y'all like that chapter? Have you kinda forgiven Rakim? xD