Diary of A Young Asperger (ON HIATUS)

Thursday, 17th December 2020

Thank you for coming back here! It's been a ride!

Recently, I've been reflecting on my childhood memories—mostly from my kindergarten times and some of my most embarrassing times over the years. 

One of them stood out the most in the most heartbreaking way possible—I can't help but feel emotional about it. 

What was the memory?

Here we go!

I don't remember what was my exact age when this happened, but I can sense that I was close to five years old when this happened.

I don't remember having any good friends back in that time. Nobody seems to like me or even bother to be friends with me. I always end up either alone or something. 

I remember this kid always give others her things, but her whole demeanour changed when I asked for it. Like this kid said "no" to me every single time.

Like bro, I just want a sticker. Is that too damn much to ask?!

What did I even do to offend her or something, I didn't have any clue. But I feel so sad that I was being treated like an outcast at that time. I was pretty much alone and lonely, I guess. 

Then comes Mandarin classes. 

I don't even know why I always close my ears, run away and hide whenever my Mandarin teacher walks in with her loud greeting. I always do that—close my ears, run away from class and hide in a place where no one finds me. 

Until teachers had to kindly bring me out, right in front of the whole class. Imagine the embarrassment I used to face all the time!

Okay, I have absolutely NOTHING against the Mandarin language. As I grew older, I turn to love the language because of its beauty and the add of complexity to it. Challenging but philosophical beauty it is. 

But complexity is something I always struggled with, especially when it comes to languages. In Mandarin, certain sounds and pronunciation are quite hard and too complex that it takes time and practice to ace them. But to me, back then, it became a form of irritability that resolves me to act in the pushiest way possible. My mind just couldn't handle the sounds and it always ticks me off in a bad way. 

It's all part of being an Aspie, I guess—not able to handle certain sounds and will do anything to deflect it in a hard way. In this case, it's Mandarin.

Now, I don't mind much about it. Although I still have that trait till now, it wasn't as bad as before (more of a 0.5%). I learn to love and accept the language as it is, and maybe I might consider learning it somewhere in the future.

As I watch through the memory, I wish I could turn back in time and find her. Give her a big hug and let my little JK cry on my shoulder as long as she wants to. I wish to take her out somewhere, away from kindergarten and the whole world and spend time with her. Even if it's for a few hours, I just want to distract her from her harsh world and just have fun with her—with my mini-me. 

I want to buy a huge cup of ice cream and tell her how beautiful that language is, and encourage her to go back and learn at least the numbers from 1 to 10 and blow it up like a pro. I understood her this time—her Aspie mind just couldn't handle the sound and pronunciation of the language. 

Thankfully I'm on my best terms with Mandarin. One should know that their younger selves do not define their current selves now. Soon, they will grow to be better human beings. 

Especially when it comes to Aspie kids. 

What are the languages that you've struggled with a lot?

Let me know!!! 

                                                                                                                                                                                           - JK

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Author's Note: This was quite hard to open up about, especially when it's heart-wrenching and was tearing up—one of my most vulnerable memory I would say. 

That being said, I have to state and emphasise that I'm NOT XENOPHOBIC or SINOPHOBIC AT ALL! I don't condone any sort of inequality in these pages, and I'm only stating the experience that made me who I am today as an Aspie. My past behaviours do not define me today, since I was a completely different person back then—and a better person now. 

Don't come after me :(