Diary of A Young Asperger (ON HIATUS)

Saturday, 8th May 2021

Do you have that fear? That everyone is well aware that you're struggling with something, and have been very open about it. 

Yes, no?

I believe it varies from one to another. 

When I decided to speak out about my Aspie-self, trust me when I say that I never thought much about it—no one was starting the conversation so may as well as start it, right?

But as I wake up, the first thing that came to my mind is that fear—everyone is aware of my Asperger-self, followed by that sudden urge of retrieving this open secret back to my little box. 

I questioned whether I was doing the right thing to open up and share my experience with the world when in real life I couldn't find anyone who could speak about it with me. I wanted to meet the ones who are just like me, and hang out while relating to our Aspie-selves. 

Unfortunately, I meet no one but a judgemental world that chooses a dead child over an autistic one. Just the fact that Anti-Vaxxers (mentioned in my previous entry) did not want their children to be vaccinated just because they believe it causes autism says a lot about their deep-rooted dislike and/or hate against us. 

It makes me think of how I shouldn't be exposing myself to this extent, like what's the point of me doing this if I'm just inviting myself to be hated, ridiculed, and taken advantage of?

These thoughts were just the brink that tipped me to the spiral of overthinking. Yes, that 3 am thoughts are hitting on me early in the morning. 

I just want to chill in the morning, man!

But if I were to be brutally honest about it, that exact fear motivated and encouraged me open this whole new world.

In the past, I had no Aspies to look up to—they're either unaware of what Autism is, or they're ignorant enough to brush me off as "crazy" and "weird" (though these words no longer affect me, they did damage my self-esteem and self-confidence as a whole). Either way, I truly felt alone in this world all my life (aside from my parents and bestie). They were so many things I wish I could change in the past, just for the sake of other's perception of me and their opinions on me. 

And obviously, you readers might feel the same thing. 

These entries weren't just for me but for you readers to relate to and feel accompanied. There are so many people like us who currently going through the struggles of being alone and having difficulties fitting into the world. 

I'm here to say that it's okay to feel that way and that you're not alone. YOU'RE NEVER ALONE, AND NEVER WILL BE.