Diary of A Young Asperger (ON HIATUS)

Wednesday, 17th November 2021 [TW: Anxiety]

A few weeks ago, I had a terrible mental breakdown.

My eyes were filled with strong tears of frustration, my heart rate pumping into my ears, my lungs collapsed leaving me breathless, and my mind tried to gain its control but failed. I was lost and confused about everything, adding the current overwhelming tasks I had to complete in a short of time, everything came crashing down on my weak pillar, and my emotions were rebelling against my authority of "keeping it together".

The thing about university is, you must have a smooth effective communication skills—especially when you're in important positions such as Student Council and Club Committees. It's further emphasised when you have plans to make the best out of your university life and have fun while establishing a foundational basis for your future career. In other words, socialisation is an important aspect one must master during your university years—I mean, you can't gain anything from being quiet all the time, right?

Oftentimes we were brainwashed into thinking that our university life will be the best time of our lives because of the freedom, academic and interest-based opportunities, and the thrill of making our own decisions without anyone's consent. 

Here's what they didn't tell you: the mental toll it takes on you.

I'm talking about assignments, classes, club activities, work, life, etc.

Initially, I thought my first year is gonna be wonderful. I've prepared myself mentally, done all my research and gained all the tips from my seniors to get through this year without any major hiccups. Heck, I even braced for the communication part. 

Except I wasn't exactly prepared as I thought I was. 

First off, I didn't know that it's gonna include A HELL LOAD of communication like for one moment the class is going fine, then suddenly my lecturer goes "Okay everyone, time for a small group work". Most of the time, I pull my guard up and speak tensely to my groupmates.

I can only hope that they don't find me weird or something.

The truth is, I'm either lost and confused or that I'm scared of setting the wrong impression towards my classmates despite being familiar with them (I've done my assignments with them before). It's not that I don't know what to do, it's how I execute it without coming out as "weird" to people.

It's like I'm trying to do A, but people think I'm doing B. Or I'm trying to do C, but others assume I'm doing A.

See the struggle there?

Eventually, that mental breakdown prompted me to seek help, because I knew I needed some guidance on how to deal with my social anxiety.

During a session with the health assistant, a few things dawned on me that explained the events leading up to it.

1) My mum had this unusual habit of assigning someone to directly or indirectly look after me. This was prominent especially when I was in school and by the latest my driving school. Anyone who takes me under their wing must be someone whom I'm familiar with—it can be a friend, relative, or even a stranger who reminds me of a loved one (or at least to my mum).

It was weird to think about it, but I understand her intentions—being alone in an unfamiliar setting strains my child-sized mind with the slightest stranger interactions, and that she stresses over the notion that my rigid self will be taken advantage of by strangers. So a familiar person will help me to anchor on when situations arise (which was most of the time).

2) She ensured to establish close contact with those who interact with me daily. When I was in primary school, I noticed that she has contacts with my school Headmaster and my class teachers. Anything minor happens to me, she knows it all, even if I didn't say anything about it—I used to think she installed a hidden camera in my bag or something.

This went on for most of my young life until I joined university.

I mean, they will be a point in time where she can't keep tabs on my mental state and behaviour anymore. 

So that's where, I believe, relapsed.

I was so used to depending on others to do the communication part, that I struggle to do it on my own. With the amount of the usual university pressure, and the extra pressure to speak up because I am required to—I guess I should've seen it coming from the day I began my first year.

At this point, I'm thankful that it was still online.

Imagine if it's in the actual class.

I wouldn't wanna imagine it.

Thankfully, I did what was necessary for me—seeking help and learning that my social anxiety is due to the reasons I've mentioned above and that Mr Covid-19 barred me from stepping out of my social comfort zone.

I've spent my entire Pre-University year online, and part of my first year online (in-class lectures are opening up soon!). So it's inevitable that online classes didn't prepare me to socialise in real life, except I enhanced my written communication since I'm good at that.

Here are my final thoughts throughout this experience.

No matter how prepared we are, it still hits you hard. Being prepared is one thing. Experiencing it is another—that's the only way you can learn how to socialise.

Sure, my ASD self struggled a lot during this period. But on the bright side, I have grown emotionally. I learned to prioritise and check on my mental state every day, taking one step at a time even if it requires a slow pace. I understood why I am the way I am and was reminded of the importance of trusting oneself. 

This is a reminder for you, my dear readers, to check on yourself. I can't stress enough how we must prioritise our mental health, even if it means letting someone or a loved one down or taking the day off. If you don't listen to it, it will rebel against you—I was taught the hard way. 

Don't be hard on yourself for your struggles. If you struggle to socialise, for example—take small, easy-to-achieve steps. Reward yourself every time you do. If you weren't able to and collapse out of nowhere, NEVER EVER EVER beat yourself up. Listen to your body and mind thoroughly, and align your small goals towards it. 

It's important to be patient with yourself. There will be times where you will be hopeless and stressed over yourself and, of course, external factors—take a deep breath, and say "That's okay" to yourself. Take breaks if necessary, and trust the process. In the end, you will figure things out, and whatever your goals are, will be achieved. 

Don't fight. Listen. Discover. Understand. Recover. And love. 

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Author's Note: Hello everyone! It's me, your gurlieeee~

First of all, I apologize for not updating much here. My classes, club activities, and assignments didn't allow me the time to write this long but important piece. It's safe to say that things are much better right now.

Please note that everyone's spectrum is different from one to another. It's something like this:

[Credits to the owner stated below the post]

I shall remind you once again that I'm not a professional!

I'm just a college student :)