Diary of A Young Asperger (ON HIATUS)

Thursday, 18 February 2021

Hello! I am back!

Once again, surviving this week instead of living it—but at least I'm still alive and breathing! So are you? How are you today?

Right, come back here my dear homies—I need to ask you a question. 

Have you ever close your ears shut with your hands?

I know you're going to do "Well! We've all close our ears before, especially when it's too noisy or scared of something."

Let me specify that: Have you ever shut your ears whenever you hear a sound that you don't like or hate (even to the slightest), like the loud clang of a silver plate hitting on the floor?

Just think about it—which certain noises you couldn't handle until you had to shut your ears hard to block that sound completely?  Is that your first instinct when you hear that particular noise?

Ask me that, and I will not spare a nanosecond to even answer "YES!" with a scream.

As I've mentioned in one of my previous entries, I tend to have that "habit" to close my ears whenever I hear a Mandarin pronunciation, which I've moved on from and faded as I grew older. For years now, I never had that habit and I learnt how to resist those sounds that I hate to hear. 

Up until a few weeks ago. 

It started small, like reducing the volume whenever I hear someone's background noises during online classes. 

As it went on, it came to a point—whenever my mum or anyone unmutes themselves during online sessions, I immediately close my ears and shut my eyes until I'm assured that they've muted themselves—or stopped speaking in particular. 

Then it became a habit of me to even do that when certain songs that I HATE plays on the radio. 

Like I love you baby by Surf Mesa.

STOP SAYING IT'S A NICE SONG IT'S STUPID AND I HATE THE SOUND OF IT.

The beginning part is so annoying that I just cover my ears and tell my parents to change the station cause it's IRRITATING!

Though, I believe that it's a good aesthetic song—but not on the radio, not on speakers, and not in general. 

I just, don't like the very sound of the beat. I don't know why but I hate it!

Next song on my hate list: Issues by Julia Michaels. 

Bruh, every time I hear that music I just want to break the window and run away. That's how annoying it is to hear that first dumb beats—

Okay, I feel like I'm going too far with my dislike for those songs. I should calm down.

.

.

.

Now I'm good to go!

Point is, I never really knew why that habit came up again—years after I learnt to handle the sounds that I purely dislike. Plus, I'm turning eighteen in a few weeks, and is this how I'm going to react whenever I hear my disliked sounds in public? Close my ears and run away?

I'm still a child in society's mind then!

Ugh! Such a struggle. 

This is where I leave it to you guys. 

Have you ever had this habit, or still do?

If yes, then how are you dealing with it?

And do you think it'll last long?

Let me know in the comments below!

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Author's Note: Hey everyone! How are you guys doing? I know I've been dropping a lot lately, and trust my life has its way to hit me in the gut. Don't worry guys, I'm not going anywhere. I'm still here for you guys. Feel free to rant all your Aspie frustrations here—this is a haven for all of you after all, right? :)

<3