A Pearl and a Secret

13.

I woke up Saturday morning and I knew what I had to do. I was going to confront my parents.  It was a beautiful fall day, the leaves were colorful, the sun was shining and the sky was an intense shade of blue.  It looked like a beautiful day, but I wasn't so sure my day would turn out as great.

I waited until 11 o'clock to walk to my parents' house.  I walked as slowly as I possibly could, I was looking forward to having some answers, but I wasn't exactly excited about the fight I was sure would happen.  Too soon, I was standing on my porch in front of my door. 

I took a deep breath and hyped myself up before opening the door.  I walked into the living room open space and heard the familiar sound of ongoing bickering.  I guess my dad heard me come in, because the arguing stopped and he got out of the kitchen and looked at me sternly. 

"Alden, where were you??"

"Mom knew where I was, she didn't tell you?" This really frustrated me, were they really so busy fighting all the time my mom couldn't even remember to tell him where I was?

"The school called, you weren't there.  Where have you been?" he urged.  This was really pissing me off.  How could he ask that? Where has his other son been??

"Where have I been? Where have I been? Where has Benji been? Huh??" I spat.  Their faces fell and I knew I had taken them completely by surprise.  They were never going to tell me, weren't they?

They exchanged a panicked look and both of them stayed speechless.  A flash of realization crossed my mother's face and she said, "Pearl."

"Yeah, I know about my brother," I hissed.  My mom tried to say something but not a single squeak came out. 

"Let's sit down," she suggested weakly. I was too fired up, too angry to sit down.  "Why did you give up on him? I just don't understand!" I exploded. 

My mom visibly gulped and looked at my dad, begging him with her eyes to answer me.  "We didn't give up on him, Alden," my dad tried.  I wasn't buying any of this crap, if they didn't give up on him, what the hell did they do?

"WHAT? You call putting him up for adoption because he's autistic NOT giving up on him??" I yelled.  I could no longer keep my emotions under control, I was so mad. 

"He was your CHILD! You're supposed to love him no matter what!!" I continued and looked at both of them angrily.

I heard my mom sniffle and I almost felt bad for screaming at both of them. Actually, scratch that, they kept my little brother from me for 10 years.

"I'm sorry, I know...I- I still think about Benji every single day. But we just...we couldn't do it. A special needs school would've cost more money, money your father and I didn't have. We didn't have enough resources to raise him they way he deserved," my mother explained, her voice breaking.

Sorry didn't cut it, not for this.

"BULLSHIT! As a parent, if you love your child enough, you FIGURE IT OUT! THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO! But I guess you didn't love him enough, 'cause he sure as hell isn't here. And it's a fucking miracle he was adopted into a family that actually loves him," I ranted.

I knew I was maybe hurting my parents, but it felt so good to get these things off my chest. And I was sure the hurt they felt now was a fraction of the pain they had caused me.

They had nothing to say to answer me. "Let's sit down, have a conversation about this and try to be civil," my dad attempted, but I wasn't having any of it.

"CIVIL? Oh you gotta be kidding me. You're talking about being civil when you guys are the ones who gave a kid up for adoption because he's autistic and neglected to tell me for 10 years," I shouted.

I took a good look at them. This was probably the longest they'd managed to avoid fighting in a looong time. My mom had her head down, probably to hide the tears that were streaming down her face. My father had his normal rigid expression, but his eyes told me he had nothing to say to explain himself.

My voice went quiet when I asked, "Why? Just why? I just want to know why you didn't tell me I had a brother for 10 years. You knew that's all I wanted, a little brother, and Grandma Pearl still sees him, why couldn't I?"

I knew they were going to serve me the same excuse my grandma had given me, so I added quickly, "And don't give me that crap excuse that you kept this secret because of my trauma - the trauma you caused, by the way - 'cause I would've found out sooner or later, but it would've been so much better if I'd known all along."

"Because...this is exactly what we didn't want. We didn't want you to hate us," my mother said, her voice breaking.

"It's a little too late for that," I blurted out. I felt a twinge of guilt when my mom looked at me with an incredibly pained expression, but what I said was true, for the moment at least.

I left the living room and bolted to my room to get more clean clothes and other things I needed and shoved all of it in a duffel bag. I wouldn't be sleeping here anytime soon.

When I walked into the living room, my parents were still sitting on the couch, shocked. My mother looked at me and her eyes saddened even more when she noticed the duffel bag.

I slipped my shoes on and grabbed the door handle, ready to get out of this place I couldn't even call my home anymore. I turned around one last time. "And for the love of God, get a fucking divorce because with you two fighting all the damn time, I wasn't raised the way I deserved either," I finished and slammed the door on my way out.