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His Little Secret

Title: His Little Secret 
Age: 13 - 18
Fandom: Naruto
Chapters: Currently twelve and thirteen in the works
incomplete
mature: yes Triggers: blood, gore, war, death.
Area: Are the sentences structured correctly, is the description of the characters and the battles and theme okay? how can I make it more interesting for the readers whilst also making it structural enough to make a long book and have enough content to make a second book? I was also wandering if that in general it was interesting? Thank you for your time!

As I was reading through this book a couple of really strong points stuck out to me. One, the main character Kyoko, is very well developed in terms of a backstory that makes sense. Her interactions with her father, Kakashi, are especially well written and stay true to Kakashi's personality as it is shown in the show, with a softer side that one would expect towards their child. The second area that I thought was a strong point was the amount of research that clearly went into the certain aspects of the story, specifically the parts about Shogi and how Kyoko finds her interest in it. Using that as a bridge or similarity between her and Shikamaru is a unique take that I haven't seen before, and I loved it!

All that being said, there were some sections that were a little over-worded, specifically the sections about Shogi. While the game was an important aspect of the story, sometimes when describing things like that, especially in a fandom that does not focus on a specific game or sport, less can be more. Maybe cut down the descriptions of the rules of Shogi and just explain key events that happen in each game. It's clear that Shikaku is explaining the game. The reader may find those huge passages of text about that game a bit difficult to get through. Think about what information the reader needs to continue to understand the story. Wanting to fluff up your chapters a bit is one thing, but honestly, there are so many good areas that could be explored in this story that it doesn't really seem to need that much exposition on the game.

The sentence structure here was fairly good. There were some run-on sentences, which can be stylistic, but should try to be avoided unless that's their purpose. Also, in regards to sentence structure, the author does a great job with the dialogue at separating it into separate paragraphs. This also needs to be done in the thoughts as well. If Kyoko's thoughts are going to be displayed as they are, then they should be treated like dialogue. It breaks up the paragraphs a bit and makes it easier to read. Bolding or italicizing the thoughts is fine, but the way they are now, they just seem to sort of clutter up those paragraphs a bit.

In regards to having enough content to keep going and have a second book, the short answer is yes. The story is an interesting idea and with expansion on things like the thoughts and feelings of certain characters like the author has already begun to, this story will have no problem continuing for several more chapters. Also, with the Naruto fandom, you have so many events you can cover that gives more than enough material to cover several books if you wanted. That being said, I personally would be more interested to see the development of Shikamaru and Kyoko as individual characters since the story starts when they're at younger and very pivotal age that will only continue for several years in the story.

My final critique is a simple one. When it comes to Shikamaru's thoughts and dialogue, don't overuse his catchphrase. "It's a drag" and its variations began to feel like a bit of a crutch in the dialogue and thoughts portraying him and his connection to Kyoko at times. It's not a major thing, just something that kind of makes it more difficult to see Shikamaru as his own person instead of just how he's portrayed early on in the anime/manga. Use this opportunity to give the guy a bit more depth. He's not portrayed badly. I just noticed much stronger writing when it came to Kyoko than him.

Overall, this book has some strong points and with a bit of revision and expansion on the characters themselves will become a great read concerning a character that frankly doesn't get enough love.

If you have any specific questions on this, feel free to PM me here or on my personal profile.

Sincerely,

TaehaNatsuki