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Starcrossed

@CuteCookie1_

Title: Starcrossed
Chapters: 6
Trigger Warnings: mild cursing/violence
Area of Focus:
-How to word things better?
-Character Development
-Compelling story?

Overall I enjoy the premise of your story and think you have a good idea of where you're struggling. My first note is that you overuse the word I, especially at the beginning of your sentences. Try varying the words you use to start your sentences. As a rule of thumb for me, I try not to allow myself to start consecutive paragraphs and sentences with the same word unless I'm really trying to make a point. Sometimes I'll get repetitive during an internal monologue, specifically if the character is stressed. Otherwise the flow of the story tends to feel stilted and choppy. This is more accurate in your first two-three chapters.

It seems like when you aren't sure how to transition between scenes your characters sleep. Personally, I'd take that time to describe what's going on in the world around them. As two people who're on the run I'd expect them to be a bit more paranoid, on Annabelle's part because she doesn't know why she was kidnapped in the first place. Syrma is drawn to help a stranger who crashed into her life, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't have some suspicions. It can sometimes be hard to overlook what we know as authors, so we project our knowledge into characters that don't necessarily have a reason to feel that way. I'd expect both to be a little more skittish around one another and build into that trusting relationship. Give your characters a reason to trust one another.

Consider not switching POVs so much. If you're switching point of views try to make them more dynamic with their internal conflicts. Does one character find more comfort in reason while the other is emotional? Is one character more prone to letting their mind wander? Try giving your characters more quirks and flaws. As it's written now, it feels like you copied the same character twice and just put them in two different starting positions.

Is the story compelling? I'd certainly like to check in on it now and again, but for the most part I think some of your conflicts are solved too quickly or just forgotten about by the character. It's okay to let them dwell in the fact that "this isn't right" and "isn't fair". Let them be angry over what's happening...frightened by it.

~Imnotwhatyouwant