Essie's Critiques

Welcome To Trench | iluvtrench

YOUR VOICE: (15/20) Especially since your writing here is very clean of any errors, I got a clear sense of your writing voice. It's often straightforward and factual. While that's a good element needed in a story, I suggest experimenting with the artistic side of writing. What metaphors can you connect your surroundings with? How can you make your writing beautiful enough to leave your readers breathless with anticipation?

STORY FLOW: (2/5) Your transitions here were very awkward and abrupt. You jumped from one scene to another just in one sentence, and it stuck out to me. There are so many unique ways to transition without making it seem awkward for your readers. If you read other stories, you can see how other writers transition scenes. Try to avoid repetitive transition words such as "suddenly" and "after." You can transition by summing up a time skip. For example, you can say, "After polishing off the last of the apple, we..."

So, now that the grading/feedback is over, let's turn the focus to each individual chapter.

MY PAST IS FOLLOWING ME:

1. "... for literally DAYS." (p.1). Here, I suggest that you replace all caps with italics. That way, you can have a better effect on your audience without looking unprofessional. I suggest using all caps only when someone is literally yelling in a dialogue. Suggestion: "... for literally days."

2. "The squirrel scampers away and I get up and begin to walk further and further away from the only home I've ever known: Dema." (p.2). You're missing a comma. Correction: "The squirrel scampers away, and I get up, walking further and further away from the only home I've ever known: Dema." Did you notice how I've restructured and tightened this sentence as well? It's not necessary, but it does take away the repetition of the word "and" in this sentence.

3. Again in paragraph 3, I suggest you replace all caps with italics to avoid unprofessionalism.

4. "He and I first met when Josh and I needed help pouring the highly flammable chlorine into our enemy's pool so that even the fumes would cause him to incinerate as soon as he walked out of his house." (p.3). You're missing a comma, and this sentence is abnormally long. Perhaps you should think of separating this into several sentences. Correction/Suggestion: "He and I first met when Josh and I needed help pouring the highly flammable chlorine into our enemy's pool. That way, even the fumes would cause him to incinerate as soon as he walked out of his house."

5. "I'll never forget the way he peeked at me that day from around the trailer door, with his big eyes, and those little horns that just make him look like an adorable little demon." (p.3). You're using an unnecessary comma here. Along with that, even though you're writing in present tense, you're describing the past, so the past part should be written in the past. Correction: "I'll never forget the way he peeked at me that day from around the trailer door with his big eyes, and those little horns that just made him look like an adorable little demon."

6. "He looks back, probably wondering what I'm even talking about." (p.3). Your character hasn't actually spoken yet. Clancy was thinking, so I suggest you replace "talking" with "thinking." Suggestion/Correction: "He looks back, probably wondering what I'm even thinking about."

7. "As I walk, I come across the seemingly most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my lifetime, crouching on the ground over a pile of leaves, who seems lost." (p.5). I suggest you replace "I" with "we" as both Clancy and Ned are walking together. Along with that, your commas are replaced. I also suggest you separate these into different sentences. Correction/Suggestion: "As we walk, we come across the seemingly most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my lifetime. She's crouching on the ground over a pile of leaves, looking lost."