Essie's Critiques

Nice Reminiscences [PART 2]| Lost_Blithe_

1. CLERMONT-FERRAND: 

1. "She would have loved it. I thought to myself, as I witnessed the beautiful morning unwrap itself gracefully and expertly, as the time drained by slowly and steadily." (p.1&2). There are several things wrong here. Firstly, the first and second paragraph are separated, when in reality, they should simply be one paragraph. The dialogue tag "I thought to myself" is a continuation of the sentence prior, and shouldn't be treated as a separate sentence. You also have a lot of adverbs (gracefully, expertly, slowly, steadily) that clog your sentence. You have some redundant adjectives and descriptions. For example, instead of including the word "beautiful," describe it. Don't say it was beautiful, show it. That's when the second half of your sentence comes in; it's already describing how beautiful the morning is. That makes the "beautiful" in the first half of the sentence unnecessary. I suggest removing anything in your sentences that are not necessary to the current situation. You have some unnecessary filler words and a comma mistake as well. Correction/Suggestion: "She would have loved it, I thought to myself as I witnessed the morning unwrap itself gracefully, time draining steadily." Now, the sentence is much shorter and clearer. This is my way of interpreting the sentence and shortening it, so I suggest you find your own way to revise the former sentence. Notice how I avoided using "as" twice in the same sentence. 

2. "The vivid blue morning sky accompanied by the just woken up sun with tousled orange sun rays spread beyond what could be seen by naked human eyes, was a pleasant sight which would forever be carved in my mind." (p.2). This is an abnormally long sentence. You have unnecessary adjectives and filler words here. Instead of describing the blue sky as being vivid, I suggest using a stronger alternative to "blue" and getting rid of "vivid" entirely. You also don't need "morning" in "the vivid blue morning sky," as you've already described it to be morning in the previous sentence. You should have hyphens in "just-woken-up sun" but I'd advise against using that phrase entirely. It's awkward and adds too much weight into your sentence. Instead, I suggest using a shorter alternative, such as "sleepy" or "calm." You don't need to say "sun" in "sun rays," as when you're describing the sky, what else would "rays" be referring to, if not the sun? Additionally, you described this scenery to be awe-inspiring and breathtakingly beautiful, so I wouldn't use "pleasant" to sum it up. Suggestion/Correction: "The cerulean sky accompanied by the sleepy sun with tousled orange rays spread beyond what could be seen by naked human eyes. It would forever be carved in my mind." Notice how I separated this into two sentences for more readability. Still, the structure of this is odd, and if it were me, I'd say instead, "The tousled orange rays of the sleepy sun spread across the cerulean sky, beyond what could be seen by the naked human eye. It would forever be carved in my mind." Now the descriptions flow more smoothly. In future writing, I highly suggest experimenting with your use of structure and diction, as it has a tremendous impact on your writing. With this new, revised version of the former description, take notice of how the same details remain, but the sentence itself is much shorter. 

3. "The chain of the volcanoes had a reputation of their own, they were known as mainland France's first natural Heritage sight." (p.3). You have a comma splice here. A comma splice (as a reminder) is joining two clauses together with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct this, you can add a conjunction or replace the comma with a period. I suggest the latter, as it shortens the sentence and makes for clearer readability. Correction: "The chain of the volcanoes had a reputation of their own. They were known as mainland France's first natural Heritage sight."

4. "Knowing that I got to live in such a godly place like this was just unbelievable." (p.5). You have several redundant filler words here. To shorten it, I suggest saying it as, "Knowing I got to live in such a godly place like this was unbelievable." It's the little things that have an enormous impact on your writing.