Essie's Critiques

Entangled | ZindagiKeRang

YOUR GRAMMAR: (7/10) For the most part, I was very impressed by your grammar use! There was only one main frequent mistake I've caught; that being your use of commas. You can do research more on your own, but commas are used to separate several "topics" within a sentence so as to not confuse your readers. For example, the sentence "she brushed her hair and then she went to school," has two different topics. One is that she brushed her hair; the other is that she went to school. It should be separated with a comma, and keep in mind that the comma often accompanies conjunctions (and, or, but, etc). Correction: "She brushed her hair, and then she went to school." The rules for commas do become more perplexing when the structure of your sentence becomes more advanced (for example, having more than two different topics in a sentence). You can either research it, or use a helpful writing site that will point out where and why a comma mistake for you. (I suggest ProWritingAid). There is also one instance in your story where I found an incomplete sentence. It seems like an unconscious error; a typo, but I suggest thoroughly proof-reading your chapters in the future before uploading them on Wattpad. That way, you can avoid mistakes such as these in your writing.

YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (4/5) I didn't spot any typos in your story in terms of spelling, so well done! I did, however, notice that a few times, you've misused words. I've pointed a few out for you, but in future writing, I suggest that you think about your sentence before you write it. Does the verb or adjective you use make sense? Does it fit the situation and is it conjugated properly within the sentence? Don't be afraid to look up the definition of a word, or look up how a word is used. That way, you can continue to learn more.

YOUR PLOT: (20/20) I was impressed by the uniqueness of your plot. This is the first I've seen of a story like this on Wattad, and I was also impressed when I noticed that it was completed! I can really see that you put a lot of thought into your story and persevered to make it to the ending. I enjoyed the new aspects you've twisted into your story. Solid 20/20!

YOUR CHARACTERS: (8/10) I'll admit that in the beginning, I struggled to find common ground with your character. The way you wrote about your character was very detached; not intimate enough. It made me feel as though you, as the author, was also struggling to learn about your own character. Hence, it made me feel awkward reading about Shambhavi. I suggest that when describing her actions, think about your readers. You don't want them to just know what she did; you want them to see what she did. How can you describe her actions so your readers can vividly visualize it? Play around with Shambhavi's thoughts. When she's nervous, describe the physical effects of her anxiety (sweaty palms, racing heart, etc). What about her happiness when she makes it into the academy? You could definitely play it up a bit, because I wasn't as excited for her as I should have been. Try to really describe the fullness of her heart, or the disbelief in her head. Describe the way her sisters celebrated at the news. Try to make your readers smile. Along with that, while I did appreciate the physical description you provided for Shambhavi, I also found that they were cliche and generic. I've seen a thousand descriptions of characters on Wattpad that sound almost exactly the same as yours. What's unique about Shambhavi? Maybe she has a faint scar on her cheek. Maybe she has an extremely long, swanlike neck. What are her features that make her stand out? They don't always have to be pleasant and appealing features. After all, she is human. What is she insecure about? What are her physical flaws, and how do they mark her up inside?

YOUR VOICE: (15/20) Your writing style is very factual, which I enjoyed. However, I found five things to point out for you about your writing voice.

1. You have weak verbs. I've noticed a repetition of weak verbs such as "went," and "gone." There are much more delicious verbs out there, such as "sauntered," or "vanished." This can have an immediate effect on your readers and enhance the reading experience. I've pointed out a few of these instances throughout your chapter reviews, but I guarantee there are so much more I haven't caught, so make sure to look for them on your own.