I am the Problem to Everyone's Problem's

12

TW// Purging, Judging Bodies, ED, Avoidance of Food, Counsellours, Food

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The burning on my back was therapeutic not the pain from doing other things. The steam blocked my vision and made it easier to escape into my own world. The world of darkness so peaceful and quiet the perfect place to be.

The water dripped down my back every so often making it really cold and uncomfortable so I decided to move around to let my back under the water stream as well making it much more comfortable on the cold tiles.

When I got out of the shower my fingers and toes had wrinkled up so I must have been in there for a long time. I walked out and grabbed the closest towel and wiping the water off and dabbing the last few bits of water and then draping over my hair as I wipe off the steam on the mirror. 

I looked at myself up and down from the front side and some of the back. I looked nothing like Akaashi, when he lifted his shirt up he was toned but you could still see his ribs which were how I wanted to be but right now I'm just a clump of something I will never be.

I grabbed a second towel to drape around my hips so I could walk to my room without flashing anyone even there was still no one home. My stomach had gotten smaller and I was proud because it showed that I was achieving what I wanted to. I grabbed some clothes from the cupboard and went to put them on and I noticed that the shirt had become looser than before and this used to be a really tight shirt.

I was surprised and pleased to know that I'm starting to look pretty, but not yet, I still had a long way to go. So I just went to sit on my bed and checked some notifications I forgot to check feeling much better now I saw some messages so I decided to reply to them.

After that, I felt much more relieved knowing that I hadn't left anyone on read or just totally ignored them. I guess I should start doing these things more often but life just got in the way of many things. I got up from my bed and walked down the hallway and stairs into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I grabbed the glass from the shelf and when I did I almost jumped from the touch around my waist I grabbed onto the glass and jumped for my life when I turned around I just saw it was Suga.

"Wow you lost a bit of weight," He said still having his hands wrapped around my waist, "My fingers can almost touch," he said making me feel anxious and insecure.

"Ah yea," I chuckled Suga laughed a little to I looked around and I saw Suga walking over to the fridge.

"Would you like anything to eat?" He asked in a kind but worried tone.

"Oh, no I just ate not long ago," I said quickly lying through my teeth Suga nodded and turned to look back in the fridge I quickly gulped the water down and went back upstairs. One day I'm going to be pretty as Akaashi if that makes me go hungry then so be it.

I promised this myself a few hours ago but now I'm sitting here having hunger pains my stomach grumbling and in pain. I laid on my side holding my stomach trying to make the pains subside but it just wouldn't go away.

I felt like I was going to vomit from the pains in my stomach but I stayed strong having one of my arms wrapped around my stomach to come to my mouth to hold back whatever felt like coming back up from what I non-existing ate.

During the night my stomach slowly calmed down realising it's not going to get anything from me and just decided to give me even stronger pains. So in retaliation to this, I got up and walked to the bathroom locking the door and shoving my fingers down my throat trying to make myself chuck up when I got to the last moments before throwing up what was in my gut then it happened all the acid went up my throat making it burn like the flames of hell. 

When I was done chucking up I went over to the sink to wash my hands and my mouth from the spit and bile. My mouth had a weird taste to it but it faded away as soon as I gurgled some water. I walked out of the bathroom and tried to sneak back to my room but Daichi had just come home and saw me.

"Ah, Koutaro I just want to have a talk with you for a minute come with me," He waved at me to show to follow me I walked with him to his bedroom and went to sit on his bed as he closed the door.

"Ok, Koutaro I just want to know what's going on," He said in a worried tone, "Suga just said to me that you have lost a lot of weight and that you don't really eat much anymore. I haven't noticed this because I'm not around much but he's just picked up on it and has wanted me to express his concern to you. So have you got anything to say?" He asked in a tone of concern and confusion looking at me up and down trying to find what weight I have lost.

"I have been eating normally I just wasn't hungry this afternoon and if it's only that he's said his concern now I wasn't feeling well and I came home and that why I wasn't hungry it's probably just gotten worse from the last few days because I lost my appetite," I said half lying through my teeth yes I had lost my appetite but I wasn't that ill.

Daichi nodded, "Ok, but I just want you to know that this was concerned for the last few weeks as well because you usually eat a big snack when you get home from school and now you don't. I know that you already have a lot of appointment's with your counsellor and I don't want to up them again because Suga is worried about you not eating a lot, ok Koutaro?" Daichi said and I just nodded back at him and went downstairs to smell rice being cooked and the grilling of fish.

"Dinner will be done in a minute ok just wait there," Suga called out to me so I just sat there waiting for my meal I guess one plate a day can't hurt me I thought.

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Word Count - 1150