Blood Burden

« Chapter Thirty-Two »

Even though she was surrounded by people, she felt alone. 

She felt alone because she was standing in a faceless crowd, watching unfamiliar faces of black and white mix around her in a blur as they went after their dreams, and she was left holding her broken pieces. She was too scared to ask for help, what would they think of her? She didn't want them to look at her in pity, she didn't want them to treat her like she was a fragile porcelain doll, she didn't want them to see her as an outcast. She wanted to meet their expectations and not have to fake it. She wanted to be as strong as she pretended. 

But, it wasn't her. She couldn't. 

And all those feelings, they intensified as she sat in the darkness of her room. It wasn't an unfamiliar room. Yes, it was a room at Aloysius and her mate was just across the hall, but the darkness was the same. She could still feel the empty shadows, they haunted her, following her wherever she went. She felt like she would never be able to shake them and yet at the same time, they were her only company. 

If anyone knew her best, it was the demons behind closed doors. After the dinner with the Aloysius members, Cassius accompanied her back to her room. He was in a jolly mood, chattering about a bunch of different things and all the plans he had for her tomorrow, but she wasn't really listening. She was slowly being swallowed by the tidal wave that surged within. She had spent too long caught up in the moment and she had forgotten how much pain lived inside, that of which was demanding attention. 

However, even when the door closed, she had no tears to cry. She just sat there, motionless, staring into nothing. Her entire body screamed with pain and agony. Foreign feelings tried to take dominance in her mind. She felt the urge to go straight to her mate but she didn't move. In the back of her mind, fear still held control over her. She had no idea how to overcome that, her best coping strategy was to try and not feel it. Avoid people, keep them at arm's length. 

It was self-sabotage but she didn't care. 

Conflicting emotions clashed beneath her skin, a storm of chaos spinning through her brain, and she was just a helpless passenger that was drug along with every emotion. The mate bond begged her to trust her mate, her wolf pleaded that she let her defenses down, and her shattered soul cried for peace while her beaten body begged for death. She couldn't make sense of it. One moment, she wanted to try and the next she wanted to give up. She almost desired to be numb, as the days before she arrived at Aloysius, but somehow that hurt even worse. She realized she would always have to feel, whether in the moment or everything all at once.

She was in a timeless trance and she never slept a wink through the night. When someone knocked on her door, she almost startled out of her own skin. She blinked at the wall that had occupied her vision for endless hours and then she stood. Her motions felt mechanical as she opened the door. 

Cassius was grinning but it quickly fell when he took in her appearance, "Val? Are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost." Concern was evident in his green eyes. 

She thought it silly he would say that. She was the ghost. Still, she managed to utter the same two words she always did when she hurt the worst and everyone believed her. "I'm fine." 

His eyes narrowed, "Did you even sleep last night?" His tone was quiet, as if he was afraid to startle her, and his face expressed that he didn't believe her lie. He knew. She wished he didn't. 

She shrugged. 

"Okay, you're going to see Darren," His brows furrowed even further, "You look like you'll pass out, are you feeling dizzy?" She shook her head and he ran his hands through his curly locks, "God, I knew I shouldn't have left you alone. I knew the signs but I wanted to give you space." His eyes flickered down to her wrists, slowly analyzing each one and he seemed to breathe a sigh of relief.  

"I'm fine." She wanted to assure him, or was she trying to convince herself? 

"Like hell you are," He shot back, "Come on, we're going straight to Darren's office. I'm not going to stand by and let you do this to yourself." 

She frowned at him. He waited for her to move. Even in his worried frenzy, he wouldn't touch her without her permission first, no matter how much he wanted to grab her wrist and rush her to Darren. To some kind of help. He knew the mental state she was in, it was dangerous, but he didn't know how to help if she wouldn't let him in. He blew out a frustrated breath, she wasn't like anyone else he's ever met. 

Finally, she must have taken his exhale as irritation, because she reluctantly moved out of her room and he led the way to Darren's office downstairs. This was nothing like he had ever experienced before. Reeve was angry at the world and he knew she needed a friend. Mikica was frightened and she misunderstood her cousin, he knew she needed guidance and support. But his own mate? He didn't know what she needed. Did she need to scream? Cry? Did she even want him? 

He threw open the door of Darren's office. 

Darren was startled, "Cassius! How many times have I told you to kno--" The healer stopped when he took in the sight of them both, "What happened?" 

Cassius felt like crying, "I don't know, she's not okay." Darren's eyes flickered to her, she wanted to leave that instant. The room was too small, the walls too close. 

"I'm --" 

"Don't even say it!" Cassius cried, green eyes swimming with tears, "You can trust me, Val, please. Tell me what's going on, let me help you. Let us help you." 

She let her eyes fall to the floor. Her heart was aching to soothe his pain, the mate bond was crying for comfort from her mate, and she wanted to tell him but everything was clashing all at once and she couldn't think a single straight thought. Her lips parted but no words came out. Her throat swelled with grief, she was suffocating. 

Darren stood from behind the desk, "She's having a panic attack." When the healer moved to stand in front of her, she felt allured by his comforting presence, Darren spoke to Cassius, "Please wait in the hall. She's overwhelmed by the bond and whatever she's fighting." 

Cassius felt like a knife had been wedged in his chest. He was the cause of his mate being like this? He didn't understand and it hurt even worse that she wouldn't let him comfort her. He had to leave her while Darren tried to calm her down. He felt like a kicked puppy. Useless. He closed the door and he only walked a few paces down the hall before he slid down the wall and broke into sobs. 

♦        ♦        ♦        ♦        ♦       ♦

Yikes! Things sure have taken a turn, haven't they? 

I hate when everything sneaks up on you all at once, its terrible and overwhelming. And panic attacks? The worst! Its like your body trying to kill you. I hate them. My poor baby. Her release (or should I call it a breaking point?) is coming quickly, don't worry.