Blood Burden

« Chapter Twenty-Four »

She realized how horrible her pack really had been.

She had grown up in Winsor Pack, under the rule of Alpha Drake, and she didn't know any better. She never visited any other packs. She had just unconsciously assumed that every pack was just as horrible. Pack members hated each other and fought with the intention to injure. They cast out anyone they didn't like or anyone who was different, or they kept the outcasts to torture endlessly - like her. 

But as Deikota acquainted her with the Harrow pack, she realized it was all wrong. These pack members were almost like family, even if they weren't blood related. They seemed to care deeply for each other and they protected each other. The warriors didn't train so they could beat other members, they trained so they could protect them. There was an immensely warm atmosphere that surrounded all of them, like a tightly-knit blanket to ward off the cold and provide endless comfort. 

She wanted that. 

A place to call home. Somewhere with nothing but peace and support. A family that didn't hate each other, friends who wouldn't judge her. A father to understand her. A mother to be her best friend. Even siblings, she wouldn't mind having some of those around. She found it kind of fascinating how Deikota bickered with some of the pack members, their banter purely for laughter and jokes, not words meant to cut someone down and laugh as they bleed.

However, as much as she wanted to belong, she knew that she would never have a home. Her soul was so ruthlessly shattered, she didn't know if she could ever calm its restless cries or soothe the constant pain that gripped her spine. She just wanted to run and never look back. Leave all of her problems and keep following the shadows as the sun sets across the world. 

When she finally made it back to her room, she was exhausted. Not only physically from following Deikota around all day, but mentally and emotionally from trying to control herself. The constant fight that went on inside of her head. It felt like two sides clashed for control and she was growing so tired of it. She wanted it to stop. All of it. 

She dropped like a dead body on the bed. 

"Careful," Deikota scolded, "You don't want to reopen your stitches, you're almost healed." 

Suddenly, without warning, anger coursed through her. She was tired of hearing Deikota's voice, constantly talking, she just wanted silence. She wanted to hide from the world beneath the thick covers that were spread on the bed. She didn't want anyone near her and her skin seemingly grew hot as more anger flared up out of nowhere. An emotion she couldn't control in that moment and she was addicted to its taste.

Deikota sat on the bed next to her, "I know you're tired but let's change your bandages first, you don't want an infection." 

She jerked away from the soft hand on her shoulder and growled, "Don't touch me!" 

Deikota looked taken back, "Is everything okay?" 

She turned away, glaring at the wall. She really had no idea why she was so angry but right now, Deikota seemed to be a major source of it. Or a trigger, she didn't know.

"I understand you might be overwhelmed," Deikota said, softly, "But you can't take this out on me. I'm only trying to help you." 

"I don't need your help." She snarled. 

"Now listen --" 

"Just leave me alone!" 

Her harsh tone drew tears in Deikota's eyes. She knew it was the pregnancy hormones drawing on the emotional response because Deikota had been talking about crying over everything for no reason earlier; but she felt all the anger dissipate in an instant. Like a pail of cold water thrown on a fire, she fizzled down to regret. Before she could say anything, Deikota stood, throwing the fresh bandages down. 

"Fine." 

She flinched at that single word. Deikota had spoken it in such an emotionless tone, it cut through her soul like a ridiculously sharp knife. She watched helplessly as Deikota stormed out of the room, slamming the door. Now, tears welled up in her own eyes. 

Her emotions were out of control, so bad she couldn't even keep up. She couldn't control them as they came and went as they pleased, violently ripping her apart. She wasn't really mad with Deikota, she was just exhausted and she let her emotions get the best of her. She didn't even really know why she was angry, it was just all of the sudden and she snapped. 

Now, she had caused damage. Tears slid down her cheeks as she sat there, staring at the door. Why couldn't she just control herself? Why did she have to keep messing everything up? She was just a failure at everything. Everyone she met, she lost. Everyone turned their backs on her eventually. Except for Deikota, who was really trying to be a good friend, and she had totally thrown it all back in her face. Rejected every opportunity for support and stomped out any hope of having a friend. 

She hated how she kept making mistakes. Left and right, she was a walking mess. She choked on a sob, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. She hated to cry. Before, she had never cried because it was just a weakness, but now the tears were endless. There seemed to be nothing else she could do but sit there and cry about it, and that was just pathetic. 

Fear slowly crept up her spine, seizing her mind, and she sobbed harder at the realization of her situation. Deikota had probably marched downstairs to find her mate and she was probably telling him everything right now. Alpha Jasper would be furious, she had upset his mate, and she would be subject to his wrath. Everyone lost their patience from time to time, and she had seriously just given the best reason for Alpha Jasper to do his worst. 

God, she was so stupid. She hated herself. She hated who she had become. She wanted to be strong and fearless, as everyone perceived her to be, but she wasn't. She was a broken little girl who had nowhere to go. She was scared. She was fighting a battle she would probably lose and she wanted to give up. She didn't want to do this anymore. 

She sat in the dark for hours, crying. 

♦            ♦            ♦            ♦            ♦             ♦ 

I felt this. 

I can't even count how many times my emotions have gotten out of control and I've messed up my life and relationships because of it. Especially anger, it's just addicting and it destroys so much. And in the aftermath, I wonder how people can even like me. 

Also, I revamped the cover and I like the grey tones alot better!