Essie's Critiques

Wishes From A Star | Total_KOTLC_Fan

YOUR HOOK: (5/5) "When she was fourteen years old, Evelyn Myre accidentally swallowed a star." That is possibly one of the most hooking hooks I've ever read. It immediately intrigued me, and I was so pleased by the execution of your hook. Well done!

YOUR GRAMMAR: (8/10) The main problem I'm seeing here is the amount of commas you have. While most people don't have enough commas, you have too many of them. It's good that you're separating each clause in a sentence, but this can get tricky in more advanced sentences, such as sentences with more than two clauses. In that case, you often have to get rid of a comma and meld two clauses together. This can be hard to wrap your head around, as to where the comma is unnecessary and where it applies to. So I suggest using ProWritingAid, because even I struggle with this problem as well, and this writing site will make suggestions to help you understand how to fix your mistakes.

The other small thing is that there were a few tense slip-ups throughout your chapters. It wasn't a lot, and I've pointed them out in your chapter reviews. There are also times when you have tense-shifted correctly, when you're writing the story as though recounting the details in the past. In this case, you can take breaks in your narrative to converse directly with your reader, since you're describing the past as though it already happened, and you're reflecting upon it as you go on. You did a good job at that, and I just wanted to point it out so you can keep that in mind in future writing.

YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (4/5) While I didn't spot any typos or silly spelling mistakes, there were times where you've confused words with one another. For example, there was a case where you confused "when" and "where." When you're writing a sentence, I suggest that you look over your words carefully and see if you're using them correctly. ProWritingAid can also help with this. Otherwise, your document is cleanly edited, and I'm impressed!

YOUR PLOT: (20/20) Honestly, I've seen a few instances where a writer used this concept; of having their wishes come true, and it slowly turns into something they shouldn't have tampered with. However, while reading your story, I felt like I was relearning these things all over again. You executed the plot perfectly and dived straight into the action. The wish about the hair color and eye color changes were unique and fresh, and I had a good laugh while reading it!

YOUR CHARACTERS: (10/10) The first thing I want to address is the physical descriptions of your characters. I loved how you gave a brief and simple description for each of them and also provided something for your readers to categorize them as; or just to remember them easier. For example, how you've written Oak as an anime like girl with a big personality. This made it a lot easier for me to remember, and the description of the mother was wonderful as well. You also made your characters relatable and sprinkled in some real-life situations. For example, you described Oak as wrinkling her nose when entering Eve's home, although she didn't mean to. This made your characters look much more realistic and showed many sides to a personality. I can also sense room for personality development here. So overall, your character building is flawless!

YOUR VOICE: (15/20) What I've noticed about your voice is that you write in a very factual way, but in this case, it actually works. I can see that this type of writing is your style, and it flows seamlessly with your story. You are very to the point and waste no time in dilly dallying with your descriptions. What I do recommend is making your paragraphs shorter - or separating them into more paragraphs. That way, it's easier for your readers to read, and not be tempted to skip past. I also suggest more prose. It doesn't hurt to weave in some figurative language and metaphors/similes. This will only enhance the flow of your writing and bring your readers deeper into your character's world.

STORY FLOW: (4/5) You were very to the point in transitioning from scene to scene. Your transitions flowed very naturally. I have noticed some repetitive transition markings, such as the word "then." Don't be afraid to transition in a unique way! You can start by setting the scene, characters, or setting. You could start with your character's inner reflection, or with a dialogue. You could also recount the previous scene, and build upon it by layering the new details on top.