Essie's Critiques

Cassia Sencen | twistedqueenhere

YOUR GRAMMAR: (7/10) For the most part, it looks like you nailed down your understanding of comma. I've hardly spotted any misused or missing commas. However, you tend to confuse yourself with your punctuation at the end of a dialogue sentence. If there is a dialogue tag at the end of your dialogue (such as "he/she said"), it is still part of the sentence; the dialogue can end in any punctuation except a period. If there is an action tag at the end of your dialogue (such as "I walked away" or "she sniffled," essentially describing an action), it is the start of the new sentence; so the first word of the sentence should be capitalized, and the dialogue should end in any punctuation except a comma. An example: "'I'm sorry,' she said." Here, I have not capitalized "she" because it is still part of the sentence (there is a dialogue tag after the dialogue), and I have ended the dialogue with a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't over yet. Another example: "'I'm sorry.' She sniffled." Here, I have capitalized "she" because it is a new sentence, and I ended the dialogue in a period to signify that the sentence is complete. (this is an action tag after a dialogue.) This mistake happens frequently throughout your first five chapters.

YOUR SPELLING ERRORS: (5/5) Excellent effort here! Through reading your story, I wasn't able to catch any spelling errors. I can clearly see that you've gone through and thoroughly edited your work. Just in case (if you don't already), I suggest you write your story on a Google doc or Word document and save it as a PDF. That way, when you read your story in a different format, your brain won't be used to your writing and you can look at your writing through a new perspective (and catch more mistakes that way).

YOUR PLOT: (10/20) I like the idea you're going with here, but I can see the path wavering. It looks like you aren't really sure what this book is going to be about yourself (your blurb also reflects this). What is the major event here? If I haven't been able to sense any rising action or triggering action/motive by your first five chapters, it means your pace is too slow. What is the goal your character needs to work for? You should establish that as soon as possible.

YOUR CHARACTERS: (4/10) I don't know what your characters look like. The only hint I get is from the photos you use at the top of your chapters, but you shouldn't have to rely on that to get a visual across. Try vividly describing what Sophia or Fitz looks like (without overdoing it). I didn't get a strong idea of their personality, only the vague idea that Sophia was shy and Fitz was more outgoing. Because of this, I didn't get a sense of connection and no bonds were formed. Don't be afraid to tap in their feelings; your readers will want this. Along with that, you describe in Cassia's voice that she hates that her mother is making her be more like her and wants to be more like her brother. But then you went on to describe Cassia's achievements, and that she wanted her mother to like her, and she actually chose to be this way; and her brother Reefe is just a troublemaker with a lot of detention slips. If you want Cassia to look underachieving with what she really wants, don't contradict yourself. It's like calling someone ugly, then describing them in a flattering way.

YOUR VOICE: (18/20) I can see a lot of potential here! You have a clear voice and it was easy to get sucked into your writing. I have noticed, however, a lot of repetition in your words. Even if you repeat the same word just twice in the same chapter, your readers will probably notice. And three times? Four? They'll start to wonder what other words are in your dictionary. They might even get annoyed with you. To avoid this, be on the hunt for new vocabulary words. What I love to do is read other stories, find what techniques the authors use, and find new vocabulary words that I like, incorporating it into my writing. Don't be afraid to twist in some prose; similes, metaphors, and sensory details don't hurt either.

STORY FLOW: (4/5) For the most part, your story flow was very natural and gradual. There were some spots where I was confused. You have to clearly establish that time has passed when time has passed. Or else, your readers will get confused and wonder where and how the time flew by without them even knowing. Keep this in mind for future writing. You could easily just start off with, "It had been a few weeks, and..."