EVERYTHING I NEED || VKOOK ✓

3. Paralyzed

TW: this chapter contains a lot of self doubt and self deprecating thoughts, as well as a very descriptive mental breakdown. 

It is an incredibly emotional chapter...if you are okay to read it I recommend Over and Over by Three Days Grace, it captures the whirlwind of thoughts and nightmares that Kook endures very well

Jungkook woke up the next morning and all he could feel was how heavy the air seemed to feel. Each limb weighed an immovable amount as he lay motionless and hollow, chest constricted, in bed as the feeling, or rather lack thereof, penetrated deep into his every pore. He didn't even need to look at his phone, he just knew. He had pushed away the thought of the looming date all week, but now it was here and he just couldn't escape.

One month. One month to the day since Jungkook's life had been turned on its head, and everything he had known had been killed, uprooting both him and his mom and changing both of their lives for the worse.

The knowledge shook him to his core, leaving him feeling more exposed than ever, so his mind compensated in the only way it knew how: by layering on more emotional armour, leaving Jungkook absolutely numb to everything, rendering him paralyzed on the bed. It hurt, the tightening his chest and the way his skin crawled with anxiety, and he felt helpless and empty, trapped in a nightmare he could never wake up from.

He wanted to scream, cry, bang his fists on the walls, claw at his skin; he wanted to let go. He simultaneously wanted to just vanish, just let the world swallow him whole and just lay there, doing nothing, thinking nothing, being nothing. His mind would let him succumb to neither desire and everything seemed to cancel out, leaving him an empty shell, devoid of any emotion or life.

The door cracked open, and Jungkook guessed it was Eun Jung. 

"Jungkook?" 

He didn't respond. He just lie there, turned away from the door and pretending to be asleep. 

"You don't have to go to school today. You can stay here if you want, I can bring you breakfast."

 Nothing. The door shut again, and he could hear a quiet sniffle from outside it.

The clock on the dresser ticked tauntingly. Jungkook knew he'd go insane if he stayed in the room, so he sat up, sliding out of the bed and slipping clothes off his hanger. Surveying himself in the mirror, he realized he looked even worse than he thought he did. 

His face was grey and gaunt, eyelids half closed over darkened eyes. His cheeks seemed almost hollow and the circles around his eyes were dark and ominous. It was as if his body had simply given up functioning, and had turned him into a zombie.

He didn't feel much better than one anyways.

He wore his uniform with almost robot-like precision in the knot of his tie and folds of his dress shirt;  not a single thing out of place. Walking out of the room his movements were stiff, but if you looked beyond that he could have easily been just another boy, heading to school without a tortured mind or empty soul. His expression remained blank and inscrutable as he walked wordlessly to the door, grabbed his bag, and walked out. He saw no point in taking a lunch; he wouldn't want to eat it anyways.

As he shut the door, he could almost hear the whisper of his mother b=in the kitchen behind him.

Please let him be okay...

. . . .

Jungkook saw nothing of his walk to school. Rain fell steadily and he was not wearing a rain jacket, so by the time he arrived at school, his hair was dripping and his uniform had turned dark.