sub rosa (Bellamy Blake x reader)

lxviii. the warriors will (5.10)

You forgot how excruciating it is to wait for death, but your current confinement is quick to remind you.

It's strange how each time is worse than the last. When you were in the Skybox, locked up in solitary, abused by Shumway, you rarely feared death. At times, you almost looked forward to it, and the idea that you'd finally be free of the abuse and pain was enough to make you wish your 18th birthday would come sooner. But then you'd remember Clarke and your mom, and despite your strained relationship with them both, you didn't want to leave them behind. When Pike arrested you with Kane, Lincoln, and Sinclair, that longing for death never came. You were terrified of the idea that you'd lose Clarke, Bellamy, Octavia, your friends, your life. Suddenly you had all these things that were yours. People that loved you, people you loved, threatened by Pike and his tyrannous rule, the dictator of Skaikru all too eager to take that away from you. But then you were saved and that fear passed, and you thought you were done with waiting to die.

Until Octavia's tyrannous rule over Wonkru brought all that fear rushing back to you. Just like before, you have even more to lose than the last time you faced this wait. Now you have a niece, bright as the sun, who has brought you joy and comfort through some of the hardest years you've had to live through. Madi was always there to remind you of Bellamy and his love for you, giving you the strength to go on and keep fighting, even when you didn't want to. And though you aren't sure if you have Bellamy's love anymore, you'll never get the chance to know for sure. You'll die while having a broken relationship with Bellamy, and you'll die having a broken relationship with your twin. You just wish you had a chance to explain everything to her before she was whisked away, but it's too late now. Now, as you await death, is not the time for regrets. Instead, you know you should reminisce on the good times you've had, the high points in your life, but you're not sure you have the strength in your heart to do it. Remembering all you had and all you could have will just hurt you more than anything, reminding you that moments like that will never happen to you again.

You pull your eyes open and stare at the gray ceiling, shifting your eyes over to the symbol of Wonkru that hangs on the wall, printed onto a red strip of fabric. The more you stare at it, the more you realize it's heavily inspired by Lincoln. The handle of the sword symbol is made up of the tattoos that went down the back of Lincoln's head. The same tattoos, you finally realize, that were adorned on Cooper's face. The tattoos from his chest that Octavia used for her war paint during the Final Conclave, make up the blade of the sword. You feel a rush of sadness as you remember Lincoln and his death, his legacy still so evident even years after he was killed. It hangs like a ghost over everything Octavia is, everything she does, though you suspect that recently she must have forgotten. Something tells you that peacekeeping Lincoln, so determined to unite Skaikru and Grounders that he died for his cause, would not be a fan of the fighting pits.

You start to wonder what Lincoln thought of in his last moments. Was his imprisonment as excruciating as yours is panning out to be? Was it worse once he was left behind by the rest of you? Was he scared to die? What did it feel like? Did it hurt? The more you start to think about it, the more you resent going out this way, likely bleeding out on the floor of a bunker in some slow and painful way. If you had to choose, you'd choose a death that was calm, painless, and hopefully one you never saw coming. Something about knowing this is the end, reminds you of all the things you left unsaid, all the things you never got to do.

You are suddenly pulled out of your spiral of thoughts by the sound of a door scraping open, letting you know you have a visitor. You don't move from your place, sure it's no one interesting, and you just keep your gaze locked on the ceiling as you spread out on the bench in the room the best you can.

"It's funny, Bellamy was in the exact same position you're in when I went to see him."

Your head snaps to the side, surprised to see Octavia stepping into the room, and you sit up, fighting the flash of anger that threatens to rise from the arrival of your friend, your sister. You say nothing to her, not sure you can bite your tongue and keep your comments to yourself. You just turn towards the door to the room, making space for her to settle on the bench opposite of you, careful to keep her distance. You're sure she knows how pissed you are, but you don't know if that's why she stays away. "I just came to tell you, the four of you will be fighting in the arena later today."