Essie's Critiques

Allodynia | Aarya2103

YOUR HOOK: (4/5) I like how you got the reader engaged and alarmed from the very first sentence. You've made it clear that Jessica is in a lot of pain, and that something very bad just happened. You threw me straight into the story, which I enjoyed a lot. One thing I have to say though is that you've stretched the beginning of your story out to almost the entire chapter. It might get boring for readers to have to scroll through Emelia apologizing ten times and Jessica saying "it's okay" twenty times. Try to keep their interaction more brief than that. Along with that, your hook could be more interesting. Try to play around with your diction to attract and interest new and potential readers. What are some descriptive words you can use to describe the alarm and pain Jessica feels? What are their surroundings?

YOUR GRAMMAR: (6/10) For the most part, you are doing a great job at where you place your commas, which is a common mistake for a lot of people. I was impressed with your knowledge in that area. However, you do struggle with forming complete sentences. You often stop in the middle of the sentence with a period and finish it as a new sentence. I've pointed out a few examples in the review for your first chapter, but make sure to go through all your chapters to correct these mistakes. I've also noticed that your story is set in present tense, but sometimes you slip up and write in past tense.

SPELLING ERRORS: (5/5) Good job with spelling errors! There were none as far as I could see. However, just in case, I suggest using ProWritingAid or any other site that offers suggestions for spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and or/diction choices. Not only will this help you improve as a writer, but it will extend your knowledge of vocabulary and experimenting with sentence structures. And of course, it will spot and point out anything you haven't noticed before you upload it online.

YOUR PLOT: (18/20) Your plot is unique and different compared to many stories I've seen on Wattpad. I have seen a few movies and read a few books that had a plot similar to this, with a girl with a rare condition and a love interest who breaks past their condition barriers, but I can see that you've put a lot of thought in thinking up this story. It's also very mysterious and leaves me thinking as to why Chase can touch her when no one else can.

YOUR CHARACTERS: (4/10) Reading how your characters react and speak with one another is very strained and awkward. A problem is that you write very formally, like saying "I am okay" instead of "I'm okay" which makes it seem like your characters are strangers with one another. Try to get more used to writing less formally and making your characters more relaxed and comfortable with one another. Along with that, I wasn't really able to catch a distinct voice for each of your characters. I didn't get a feel for what Jessica's personality was, or Emilia either. This is because you wrote this chapter without incorporating your emotions into it. Your characters are all part of you, and their personalities are essentially a branch from your personality. However, I have no idea how they feel things because you wrote in a very distant way. You wrote "she was hurting" instead of saying "pain skyrocketed up to her head." Can you see how the latter can have more of an impact on your reader and make them feel more connected to Jessica?

YOUR VOICE: (10/20) It also seems like you're struggling with your writing style. Your writing looks very rigid and formal, which makes it hard for the reader to feel at ease. Don't be afraid to experiment with using new vocabulary, or finding stronger diction for certain scenes. I suggest that you read other stories and find what you like about the author. How does his/her writing appeal to you? What would you like your writing to look like? You can find how the writer uses figurative language, and how often. Many writers on Wattpad who might have numerous readers tend to pay attention to their writing voice and do their best to immerse their readers into their world.

YOUR STORY FLOW: (2/5) I can see that when writing your chapter, you were struggling with moving the scene along. You spent too much time having Emilia and Jessica talking to each other, and most of the things they've said were repeated several times or insignificant to the plot. This can be edited out. Instead, try to focus on making your transitions more smooth and long and short in the right parts. I have more suggestions on where in your chapter the story flow could be improved, and I'll include them in the review for your chapter.