Essie's Critiques

Scandal | RayDuke

YOUR HOOK: (5/5) Yes. Really, that's all I can say. Already, I can see the connection between the story and your title, and the way you've written your hook is breathtaking. It has a personal touch to it, and you're unfolding an idea that your readers can relate or agree with. It makes me excited because your hook makes sense, and I want to read more about these revelations. It's clear you know what you're doing when writing the beginning of your book—because it's one of the most crucial parts of writing a book.

YOUR GRAMMAR: (8/10) There are a few comma splices throughout your chapter. A comma splice is joining two independent clauses with a comma, and without proper conjunction (and, or, but, etc). An example would be: "Jaden loves chocolate, he ate some this morning." There are several solutions to fix this sentence. You can separate the two clauses by replacing the comma with a period, or a semicolon, or a conjunction. A correct example is: "Jaden loves chocolate, and he ate some this morning" or "Jaden loves chocolate; he ate some this morning". In your first paragraph, you have a comma splice. Can you find it? If you can't, just let me know and I'll help you. And make sure to check thoroughly throughout your chapter. There are several of these comma splices.

Along with that, there are a few subject-verb disagreements. This is when subjects and verbs do not agree in number. If a subject is singular, then the verb should be singular as well. If a subject is plural, then the verb should be plural. Again, in your first paragraph, an example would be "If the rumor were a grievous lie, you still won't go unscathed." The correct way to present this sentence would be: "If the rumor was a grievous lie, you still wouldn't go unscathed." Along with that, I've made a minor correction by replacing "won't" with "wouldn't" because of tense issues. Remember that your writing is set in past tense, but you sometimes slip up and write with present tense. This happens a few times throughout your chapter.

Lastly, there were missing commas and unnecessary commas. Commas are used to separate independent/dependent clauses, usually along with a proper conjunction. A comma used in an independent clause would be: "We took a walk, and we saw a dancer." A comma used in a dependent clause would be: "When we took a walk, we saw a dancer." Commas can also be used to string dependent clauses, like if you are creating a list. Using unnecessary commas can make your writing look unprofessional. Go through your chapter to catch these misplaced commas, and next time ask yourself: why am I using this comma? Is it necessary to use this comma, or does the sentence work without it?

SPELLING ERRORS: (5/5) From reading your chapter, I haven't noticed any spelling errors. But then again, I might have missed a few. Don't rely too heavily on just your eyes to spot mistakes. If you don't already, use a site that focuses on spelling errors and grammatical ones as well, such as ProWritingAid.

YOUR PLOT: (18/20) I'll be honest: there's a ton of books on Wattpad that have hired fiances or arranged marriages. But, as you've said, "execution trumps originality." Already, your writing skills are tremendously advanced compared to many writers with a similar plot. Therefore, this boosts your book up above the many other books on Wattpad. I'm sure you'll throw in a lot of plot twists to differentiate your story compared to others, so keep up the good work! I also love that your main character is a person of color, which definitely sets it aside from many books with similar plots. It's a wonderful representation, considering there aren't many books out there with people of color as main or important characters.

YOUR CHARACTERS: (10/10) Your characters are so vivid! The descriptions you use make them stand out from one another, and I can see that they each have their own personality stemming from your voice. Just a reminder: Make sure to save some room for personality improvement. What flaws does your main character have, and what skills will they develop throughout the book?