Rigid Crow

That Was Love

"Nice kill!" I holler as each player makes his hit, toss after toss after toss.
After a little while more of the drills, coach rounds us up. "Alright, take a short break! We'll do a scrimmage afterward!"
As I go to take a drink, some of the guys come over to check up on me.
"Kageyama, we didn't expect you back so soon," Ennoshita remarks. "Hinata's fever only broke two days ago. Yet your performance is still stellar."
"I know!" Nishinoya runs a hand through his hair. "I mean, even my attention span has been bad today."
Kinoshita snickers. "Yuu, you've never had an attention span in the first place."
He cracks a smile. "Fair point."
"But really—" Narita steps up to me "—how are you doing?"
"Not well, but volleyball takes my mind off things. It's at least one thing that's sure."
Ennoshita smiles. "I'm glad for that. And how is he?"
"...He's not fantastic, but at least it's not like it was a few days ago." I sigh. "We're just trying to get through these next two weeks."
Everyone grows somber at that.
"I still can't believe this is happening." Yamaguchi shuffles his feet. "I know it's been like half a year, but I never would've thought..."
     "Yeah. I know."
     We finish the rest of practice, my mind enraptured with volleyball only.
     I have an appointment with Abiko-san this afternoon, and Narita offers to walk me there despite my protests.
     Calm rushes through me when we arrive. I never fully consider how beneficial these sessions are to me until I'm already here.
     "I got the email you sent me to tell me what's been going on this past week." Abiko-san starts when I get there, her eyes growing with concern. "I was so sorry to hear about Shō, but I'm glad to know that he's more stable for the time being." She stares at me pointedly. "How did it go getting back on your meds?"
     I look down. "I'm sorry I forgot."
     "No, no, I'm not cross. It happens. And that first time will make you not want it to happen again, I'm sure you know that. I just wanted to know if things are back to normal with them."
     I nod. "Yes, it's been fine. The day I missed was hard for multiple reasons. Yeah, I was terrified that Shō was going to— to die, and on top of that, my body felt like crap."
     "What were your symptoms?"
     "Bad stomach cramps. I felt out of it, too, like everything was far away and not in my own head."
"Anything else? Extreme fatigue, suicidal thoughts?"
"No, none of that."
"Good."
I tell her about the week's events in detail, and then specifically about the night I stayed with the Hinatas. "It— it was so nice. I didn't want to go home."
"What's it feel like to be at home?"
I pause. "Empty. Lonely. Even when people are there. No one is concerned with building relationships. We simply live. But when I was with the Hinatas... They had a meal together. I bet they talk about their days when they aren't overcome with grief like they are now. Even then, that was real. That was love. I want that. I want to be a part of that."
I look up and lock eyes with her, wringing my hands. "What if I asked them? To— To stay with them? N-Not forever, but... for a time? Is that okay? Am I allowed to ask something like that?"
"Of course. From the way you've spoken of them, I think they want that, too."
"Really?"
"You'll never know until you ask."
"But—"
"They can always say no. You won't be imposing by simply asking them."
"I guess... And what do I tell my parents?"
She smiles. "The truth, Kageyama-kun. That will give you the peace of mind you need."
"I-I can't."
"You can." Her gaze softens. "Often, things won't change if you don't make the first move."
"And what if they hate me? My parents? What if they want nothing to do with me again?"
Her voice grows quiet. "Would that really matter to you?"
Realization dawns on me. "No. It wouldn't."
"See? You had your answer all along."
"Then why am I so anxious?"
"Because it takes a long time to heal after getting hurt."
"But I didn't get hurt."
"There are many different kinds of hurt. You've gone through a lot of neglect and deprivation growing up."
I squirm in my seat. "When do I tell them?"
"That's for you to decide, but I'd recommend sooner than later." She smiles a little. "And if there's anything you need, or if something goes wrong, please call me. Not as a therapist, but just as someone who cares about you."
     "Thank you."
     She smiles wider. "No thanks needed. That's what I'm here for."
     As I walk back home, my thoughts rush about. Am I really going to do this? Can I really confront my parents?
     This is something I need mull over for a few nights. Then I'll ask the Hinatas if I can stay with them for a couple weeks.
     I have to get my parents together to ask them after that, though.
     "Um, Okaa-san?" I ask when she comes home from work late that night.
     She glances over at me. "Tobio, why are you still awake?"
     "I wanted to ask you something. Could you and Otou-san be here together in the next few days? There's something I need to talk to you both about."
     Her eyes narrow as she finally gives her full attention to me. "Is something the matter?"
     "Not... exactly."
     "Then can you just ask me? You know how much of a hassle it is to find a time when all three of us are home and awake."
     "I know. That's why I'm letting you know beforehand. Please?"
     She sighs. "Fine. I may have to miss a meeting, but if it's that important, I suppose we can work something out."
     "Thank you."
     She humphs, but before retreating to bed, asks me if I've eaten and if I have my homework done. I tell her that I have, but my anxiety only builds when she leaves.
     What am I doing? How will I ever be able to have this conversation with them?