Rigid Crow

Anything But Emotion

"Kageyama...?"
I break out of my stupor to see a familiar face in front of me.
"Sugawara-san? What are you- I didn't-"
     "You didn't call. I know." He blinks at me, concern in his soft, kind eyes. "I just had this... I can't describe it, I felt like I needed to come here. So I came. Was I right?"
     "You've never been more right."
     "What's happened?"
     "I don't know! They won't tell me anything. I'm so scared. There's never been anything like this before." I tell him the little that's happened so far and he listens with a solemn expression. Then we wait together for someone to fill us in.
"Kageyama-kun?" One of Shō's doctors arrives soon after. Suga and I shoot to our feet.
"Yes? What's wrong with him?" I ask quickly. "Is he okay?"
The doctor frowns. "I'm afraid it's not good news. Shōyō-kun has been diagnosed with hospital acquired pneumonia."
"What?" Suga asks. "H-He'll recover though, right?"
     The doctor's eyes grow sad. "HAP can be life-threatening, especially in his case, as he's still weak from the coma. Of course, we're doing all we can for him, but you need to understand that this might kill him. We will keep close eye on him these next few days, hoping that his fever will break. Even then, his blood pressure levels and could grow dangerous. There isn't a cure, we just have to wait it out, and pray that he makes it."
My knees buckle. I collapse to the floor in despair. No. No. Not again. Not this again, I can't, I can't...
"Kageyama!" Suga's crouching next to me. He looks up. "Thank you for telling us, Doctor." He pulls me up and leads me to the couches in the waiting room. He lets me lean into his shoulder, and I begin to sob. "I am so sorry."
     "I thought it was over," I cry. "I thought his waking up meant that he wasn't in danger anymore." My tears run and fall. "Why? Why?! He doesn't deserve any of this! Why does he have to suffer so much? What if I lose him?!"
     Suga-san starts to cry, too. "I don't know why. I don't know anything... I feel so useless. I wish there was something I could do for him, but I'm powerless."
We sit huddled together, lost in despair. Suga sometimes takes his phone out, delivering a few texts. We wait there for what must be a half hour until a familiar voice calls out to us. I look up and see Sawamura standing just inside the doors.
"Daichi!"  Suga pulls himself to his feet and trips over to our previous captain.
Sawamura takes Suga into his arms, holding him tightly to his chest while Suga cries. My heart aches as I realize how much Suga has been hurting. I've been selfish. I never took into account how frightened and despaired he must feel, as well. I'm glad he has someone to turn to, though. Someone who can really give him the comfort he needs.
     Suga's voice is muffled as his face is buried in Sawamura's chest. "You didn't tell me you were- you're here!"
     "Koushi, I dropped everything as soon as you texted me about it. Of course I'd come!"
     "Th-Thank you..."
     They have such a perfect, mutual relationship in the way that they are each other's comfort. Though I feel guilty about it, my chest burns with envy. I want that. And I think I have it with Shō, but if he's taken away from me...
     Suga-san is the one who can comfort me. But I'm not the one who can comfort him. But I can comfort Shō. And he eases my worries in return. I can't lose that, I just can't.
     "Tobio-kun!"
     My head snaps up at my name. Hinata-sama is coming my way, her eyes full of tears. Her husband walks behind her, hand in hand with their daughter. They look exhausted and grieved.
"Hinata-sama... I don't- I don't know what to say."
She shakes her head. "You don't have to say anything." She opens her arms and wraps me in a hug. "You're my boy, too, now, remember that."
     I hug her back, my guard lowering. "Hinata-sama?" I ask quietly.
     "Yes?"
     "I'm so sorry, can I- can I stay with you tonight? My- My parents won't be home tonight and I- I can't go back to an empty house, n-not now."
     "Dear, of course. You never have to ask, you're always welcome."
     "...How is he?" I ask them quietly, stepping back.
     Hinata-san answers, his voice hoarse, "He's sleeping now. He's got the beginnings of a fever, and that terrible cough. We'll be staying here for the day. We'll go back up to be with him in a minute, but we wanted to make sure you were okay and knew what was going on."
     "Arigatō."
I do want to see him, too, but if he's asleep right now, there's not much point to it.
My body is itching to do something. I already went for a run this morning, but I need to do it again, just to get my mind on anything but emotion.
I lace my sneakers tight and tell the Hinatas that I'll be back soon.
The cool air feels good against my face as I run. My body is engaged, and I long to practice, to have a volleyball in my hands.
It's actually not far to the gym. Well, it's a little less than a couple miles, but that's what I could use. And I have been given keys as a second year, so I can have access to the gym on the weekends.
I take a while to rest once I get there. Once I feel ready, I go inside.
The net is still up, which is great because I didn't want to take the time to set everything up.
     I pull the basket of balls out and serve ball after ball, losing myself in the repetition.
     Toss.
     Run.
     Jump.
     Hit.
     I then move on to anything else I can think of until I've worked so hard that I can't move any more.
     I have this escape. It's where my mind can be nothing but volleyball, volleyball, volleyball. It's a maddeningly repetitive and strenuous thing, but it gives me peace.
     Apparently, peace is not something I can get a lot of these days.