Rigid Crow

Impending Anxiety

Not much later, a nurse comes in with the food for Hinata- no, Shō.
     "Ah, Kageyama-kun, it's good to see you here!" the nurse exclaims with a friendly smile. "We're starting Hinata-kun on yogurt today. My name is Inada-san. I've been around, but never got the chance to formally introduce myself." She begins setting up the food. "Hinata-kun, though we think your body is ready to handle this, remember that it has been about three months since your stomach has digested food. If you have to throw any of it back up, don't get discouraged. We'll just have to give your body a little more time. However," she turns back from her work to smile at him, "I don't think that will be a problem we'll face."
She hands the open cup and spoon to me, then taking a seat herself on the other side of the bed.
     I scoop a small spoonful of the yogurt and lift it to Shō's open mouth. He takes it and swallows it, and his eyes light up. He stares at me with those wide, bright eyes, and smiles as widely as he is able.
     The nurse laughs. "You like it, huh? No kidding! Enjoy the rest!"
Shō willingly eats the rest of the cup without a problem.
"Are you feeling okay?" I ask, making sure as I throw away the trash. "You're not feeling sick or anything? No stomachache?"
"No," he says audibly, looking happy as a clam.
The nurse pats his hand. "Good. I'm happy to hear that." I'll be back with some more tonight. Call for me if you're not feeling well between now and then, okay?"
      "Mm-hm," Shō says.
Shō and I share pointless conversation that friend have for the next hour, and it's so nice to just take a break from everything we've been though. Our conversation turns, though, once we reach a lull.
"It was awful, seeing my parents' faces like that," Shō says, pain and guilt written on his face. "When they came in after they had been told that I'd tried to... to kill myself. They were crying. They looked terrified. They looked confused and heartbroken. And I had done that to them. How could I have...? I tried to take their son from them. Their child. You were right. I had been selfish then. I was only thinking about what would bring me relief, not what would bring others pain."
     "Shō, I never should have called that selfish," I apologize, terribly guilty myself. "I may have told you you were worth everything, but by the way I left you that day, my actions told you that you were not even worth my time, and I will regret that for the rest of my life. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But never think... look, I hate that you tried to do that to yourself. I hate that I was the final factor in convincing you that you should. But people want to help you. No one will call that selfish. Even if it was, which I'm not telling you it was, they will do everything to help you instead. And you recognize now that you would've regret everything if you really had been able to..."
     "What if I had? What if I had been able to do it?" His eyes dance with fear. His hand moves to his chest and he groans in pain. His chest begins to labor with each breath. I've seen him through this enough times to notice it's the beginning of one of his panic attacks.
"It didn't happen, Shō," I comfort him, gently pulling his hand from his chest to hold it firmly in mine. "You're okay. You're safe now, and you will be. I'll keep you safe."
He gasps and cries out, stuttering, "H-H-Help."
"Yes. I'm right here," I affirm again. "You're not in any danger. You're right here with me. You're alive. You're not hurt. No one is going to hurt you. Nothing will happen to you again, as long as I'm here. I promise. Just breathe in and out for me. Go on."
He copies the breathing I show him. His face is flushed, and silent tears stream down his panicked face.
"That's good. Just like that."
The attack lasts for a few minutes, but Shō finally gets himself under control again. Shakily, he nods to tell me it's totally passed. He won't stop shaking, though. He still looks frightened, like he's never going to get used to these. I really hope with therapy, he will be able to heal, and move on from this completely. It's unbearable seeing him hurt like this. I hug him until he stops shaking, which takes a couple more minutes. When he relaxes at last, I pull away.
"You know," I remark, taking in his appearance, "you kinda need a haircut."
Though he still looks kind of uneasy, he smiles a little.
"Can- Can you even get barbers in a hospital?" I ask, clueless. I've never had this thought cross my mind before. I guess I've certainly never needed it to. Now I'm kind of interested. "I'll have to ask Saki-san."
Shō takes back the device he was using to speak, which had slipped to the edge of the bed. "That'd be nice." His eyes brighten with a new thought. "Tobi, guess what? There's a international volleyball tournament game on tv next Saturday night. I saw an ad this morning. Wanna come here and watch with me? You don't practice on Saturday nights, right? Maybe Yamaguchi would come, too! Probably not Tsukishima, though."
"Yeah," I snicker. "Don't think he would. But yeah. I'll come. Who's playing?"
"Italy and Canada, I think."
     "Nice. I'll make it."
"...Hey, Tobi, can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
Shō sighs, not looking up from the screen. "I've got... this terrible feeling inside of me. There's this dread in the pit of my stomach. It's not the fear I feel during attacks. This is different. This is all the time. I feel like something terrible is going to happen again. I don't sleep well a lot of the time. I just try to live with the impending anxiety. I don't know what to do."
I huff, processing that. "Wow... that's rough. I'm sorry. You know, though, that's something your new psychiatrist can help you deal with. Have you seen them yet?"
"A couple times."
"Then just wait it out. Things are going to get better, I promise you."
Shō looks at me skeptically. "And how can you promise me something like that?"
"Because... Because I'm your best friend. If things don't work out on their own, I will force them to work out."
Shō laughs a little bit. "You can't do that."
I grin back challengingly. "Watch me."