Rigid Crow

Even Through Your Fear

"What am I supposed to do now, though?" I ask Abiko-san helplessly.
"Don't worry. We'll meet in a session every week, and we'll figure out coping strategies that work best for you. I myself cannot prescribe you a medication, but I will go find someone right away who has the authority to once our session is over. Antidepressants can help as your first treatment, and we can find ones that are much less likely to produce side affects that could interfere with your training."
"What... What will they do?"
"If all goes well, they will improve your mood, give you a better time sleeping, and reduce your anxiety."
     "Abiko-san? Is it... irrational for me to feel so... I don't know, afraid? I wake up every night, just absolutely terrified that he's dead or something. And I know he's not. I know, but I just have this feeling that he's gone, and everything's hopeless, and that everything's so, so dark. And I'm scared. And when he gets those attacks, I'm so frightened. I comfort him, and I wanted to be the one to do that, and I still do, it's just... There's this nagging in the back of my head every time, like what if the attack doesn't end this time? What if he doesn't want me there for him? What if he dies? And I know none of that will happen, but it feels like it will, and I don't know why!" Tears prick at the edges of my eyes.
"Kageyama-kun," Abiko-san says gently. "Those are common signs of anxiety, of depression. None of that is irrational. Don't push aside how you feel because you think it isn't valid. It is. This stuff is real. And there are real ways to help you. I promise, you won't feel like this forever. This will be a challenge you have to work to overcome, but you absolutely will. So I need you to trust me, and trust yourself, too. You're strong enough to get through this."
I shake my head tearfully. "I don't feel like I am."
"But you are. You've been so strong already. You've been by his side for so long. You chose to be with him through the attacks. You've taken care of him when no one else was there to do it. You've been so brave, even through your fear."
     That calms me down some. I take a deep breath in, then hiss it out, and I feel better. "So you can help me?"
     She nods. "I can."
     "Arigatō. Arigatō."
She smiles gently and stands. "I'm going to go fetch a doctor that can write you a prescription, okay? I'll be right back."
She's soon back with a doctor who prescribes me a medication.
"I'll see you again next week, Kageyama-kun," Abiko-san tells me. "And if there's anything you need to bring up, or if something happens, just give me a call anyway. I want to be of help to you however I can, okay? Don't hesitate if you need anything. Do you understand?"
I nod, feeling so cared for and safe. "Hai."
She smiles. "Good. Well then, I will see you next week."
I stand, thanking her again, then leave the room, to where Narita-san is waiting for me.
"How did it go?" he asks, coming to meet me, and we leave the building together on our way to evening practice. "Was it alright?"
"It- It was great," I admit, feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time. "I thought there was something wrong with me. Something that I just... couldn't escape. But now? That woman put words to it. She knows and understands how I'm feeling. She acknowledged it."
     Narita nods. "I get that. I struggled with my anxiety for a long time before I could even put words to it and get help. But once I did, it literally changed my life. I had fewer, less severe attacks as I got medications and therapy. Look, I still have anxiety, but I don't have so much stress interfering with my life. I can sleep. I can go about my day without dread keeping me from everything. I'm better than I was, and that's what keeps me going." He grins at me and bumps his fist to my shoulder. "You're gonna be doing better, too, man. I'm glad you came and got me and Suga-san to help you find this place."
     "I'm glad it worked out," I say, honestly relieved.
     "Same," he agrees. "Can you listen closely for a sec? Starting new meds can be rough, or smooth. You just never know. You gotta remember that the benefits outweigh the risks. I don't think you have much to worry about with the meds you were prescribed. Those ones shouldn't interfere much with volleyball or anything. But if anything does go wrong, call me, okay? And then we'll call your doctor if there's any questions. Got it?"
     "Yeah. Thank you."
"No problem, man." He grins. "Just glad you asked for help when you needed it. Putting off this stuff can really make you spiral." He pauses, then asks, "Hey, I know some people prefer to keep this stuff private, so don't answer if he's not okay with you sharing, but how's Hinata doing with his therapies and recovery?"
"He'll talk about all that stuff with me. I'm not sure how he feels about talking so openly with the team about everything yet, and I understand that, I feel the same way myself. But in general, he's doing well. He really is improving physically and through speech, too, even if it's only going along slowly. He's also eating now, too, which can work sometimes, but other times his body just isn't ready, so we're being careful. And mentally, he's getting good therapy for all that stuff going on, too, and I try to be there as much as I can to help."
"That's good," Narita says with a smile. "I'm glad you can be there for him. If I was in his shoes, I don't know what I'd do without Chikara or Hisashi working through it with me."
We soon reach the school, then the gym just walking side by side, enjoying the peace. Once we arrive, I thank Narita again.
     It's nice to have someone who understands, someone who can talk comfortably about hard things, someone who doesn't always have to fill the silence. Just someone who knows.