Rigid Crow

I Miss You

     I come into the hospital a few days later after volleyball practice. I check in with Saki-san, who's in her office, before going to Shō's room. She says he had his first meeting with the psychiatrist, so I inquire him about it once I get there.
     "How did the psychiatrist meeting go?"
Shō shrugs. "It was fine. I told the doctors that I didn't have suicidal thoughts anymore, but of course they wanted to make sure. I'll probably have another meeting with the psychiatrist just for them to make sure, but after that, I'll just need to stick with the therapists for the panic disorder, movement, and speech." He sighs, shaking his head, smiling slightly. "That's still a lot, isn't it? I'm pretty messed up."
I shake my head. "No. You're just getting better." After a moment's pause, I decide to tell him what's been on my mind. "I might start seeing a psychiatrist myself."
     "Really?" I watch his expression. It isn't one of judgement, or pity. It's a straight, curious face he's wearing. I feel more comfortable all of a sudden.
     "Yeah... I've been having... a rough time. Like, not worse than you, or that I'm even comparing myself to you or anything, it's nothing like that! I just... Sometimes I wake up at night, my heart racing, thinking something terrible has happened to you. Sometimes I feel so guilty that all of this happened to you, and not me. I feel panicked at the thought of everything that happened, everything that I couldn't help, or chose not to. And I just... I don't feel happy anymore. Is that- Is that normal? I didn't get hurt. I didn't experience this trauma."
     "...But you did."
      I look back at him. "Wh-What?"
     "You did. You went though all that with me. You've always been the one beside me, even during the times I don't remember, the times I wasn't awake. We both experienced the trauma. So what if you weren't the one physically hurt? There's pain nonetheless. You've gotta realize that your pain is valid. If you need help, you're allowed to ask for it. I'm not going to think less of you for it. I want you to get help, if that's what you think you need."
"O-Okay. Yeah, I do."
     Shō smiles , the corners of his lips pulling back ever so slightly. "Good." His smile falters. "I'm sorry you have to go through all this."
     I shake my head. "There's nothing to be sorry for. This is nothing that either of us had any control over."
     Shō nods, agreeing. "Then I hope you can find the help you need easily. I hope this doesn't hold back your training in any way."
     I shake my head again. "Don't worry, it hasn't. I'm getting in good training and practice. My days sure have been a lot more full, but I'm still in top shape for volleyball, and improving."
     "I'm glad to hear that. I would hate if any of this had hurt that. I wouldn't be able to help feeling guilty, whether I could've helped all this or not." He looks at me thankfully. "Thank you, Tobi. I know this can't have been easy. But you've been here with me for so many days. You almost never thought of yourself first. You've been the one I can count on to be here. Thank you so much. It really means everything to me. Your visits are, for the most part, the only exciting things that happen to me anymore, the things I can look forward to."
     It makes me feel wonderful inside to hear him say this. I know that's probably not the most humble reaction, but it does. "You know... I actually haven't been getting all the practice I used to."
     Shō's eyes flash with alarm. "What?"
     I laugh. "Don't worry! I'm just talking about our practices. Mine and yours. How we'd stay late, setting up attacks. I haven't had that time anymore, obviously. I miss that. I miss you."
     Shō nods, understanding. "Yeah. I get that, too. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much even when you're with them all the time."
"Yeah..."
There's a knock at the door, and Inada-San comes in. "Oh! Kageyama-kun! I'm glad you're here. I've brought in some mashed potatoes for Hinata-kun today. He's been doing very well with the yogurts and puréed foods so far, so we think he can move onto something a little thicker. Sound good, Hinata-kun?"
He nods with a smile.
I help feed Shō the food until it's finished. Inada-san says she needs to stay a little longer just to make sure everything is okay. It proves to be good that she does.
Not long after we finish, Shō groans, a hand against his stomach. His complexion appears paler than usual.
"Inada-san!" I call out frantically. "He doesn't look well."
She nods, agreeing with that much. She rushes over to get the small trash can in the corner of the room, running it back to Shō.
As soon as she holds it out in front of him, he doubles over and vomits. I have to cover my ears to keep myself from gagging at the sound. As soon as he's done, he sputters and coughs, trembling.
     I run my hand down his back, trying to calm him down. "There. It's all done. You're okay now."
     Inada-san puts the trash can back, then comes back over to hold Shō's hands. "There, there. Good job. It was bound to happen sooner or later, so you don't have to worry, Hinata-kun. Your body just wasn't ready for that yet, so we're just going to have to work our way up to it again, okay?"
     He gives a shaky nod.
     I try to get his mind off what happened. "I like your haircut," I mention. "You look like yourself again. Turns out you could get a mobile barber in here, huh?"
     He perks up a little at that, nodding again.
     "Why don't you get some rest?" I suggest.
     Another nod.
     "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I take his hand and squeeze it, and I help him lay back down. I hand him Bronto-chan, but he shakes his head and pushes it away.
     "W-W-Wig-Wigg-ly."
     I consider walking out then and there. He wants the stupid octopus I gave him. But I comply, stuffing the plushie into his arms. "There. Happy?"
     "Mm-hmm."
     "Good." What shocks me most about all of this is that I'm kind of happy, too. Of all the darkness clouding my life right now, he brings a little light back.