THE WORLD IS SHIT...so I'll be over here writing

Anxiety

Disclaimer - I am not a medical professional nor do I specialize in psychology. I am speaking from my own experiences and thoughts. If you ever feel that you may hurt yourself, or are already doing so, reach out to a friend, family member, or anyone who you believe may be able to help you receive care. Remember you are valid and you are loved:)

    I have a lot of social anxiety and I don't think COVID has helped. Things I've noticed I do when I'm in an uncomfortable social situation (every social situation) is I'll get like stone faced like mad RBF, my voice gets high and quieter, and I always speak with perfect like grammar and shit. It like makes me mad every time I act that way because that's not me and I want to be able to be me and express myself in a genuine way, I don't want to go through life fearing the thought of myself. After these social gathers, big or little, I always end up crying when I leave, get home, whatever, and I've come to think that it's not just because I embarrassed myself (which I probably did) but it's also because I'm so mentally drained after having to change myself and fit in to a mold that I just wasn't made for. A big thing with my social anxiety is that it not only effects the moments of social interaction, but the hours and days that come after those moments. When I get time to reflect on a conversation I had, every word I said, every word they said, every word I didn't say as well, I start to regret it, and I start to think about all the things I'd change if I could redo it. I start to regret that I even spoke, even tried. This got like really bad a year ago and it like kinda consumed me, and it didn't feel good at all, I remember crying and thinking I need to snap myself out of this, I need there to be a way to feel better, and long story short I found ways to cope. One of these ways that really helped were finding mantras I could say to help calm myself. One in particular, "what's done is done", helps a lot after intense social gatherings. Now this isn't like full proof, sometimes it doesn't work, but this mantra pushed me to realize no matter what happened, I can not go back, what's done is done. I think this helped so much because when I was having these breakdowns, subconsciously my brain was playing out those social scenarios like they might actually happen the same exact way again, like I'd almost have a second chance. This might sound a little weird but (bare with me here folks) I think this occurs because, during prehistoric times when a human was hunting and got hurt or didn't succeed in killing their prey, the brain, because these situations were likely to happen again, would go over that situation over and over to make sure previous mistakes were not made again, and that the hunter would be better equipped to get his prey. This trait of reliving past scenarios persisted as humans evolved because this ability is very good for learning new skills. However, this ability causes over thinker or those who struggle socially to think and think about a situation to the point of pain. Reminding myself that I can't go back and I that I can't have a new first conversation with that cute boy, or that I can't go back to this morning and pick a new outfit, helps me be more comfortable with the present and with moving forward instead of back. My social anxiety goes really deep, and it holds me back from things people my age should love doing, but life is never fair, the past is never perfect, but the future it's, well, unknown, ain't that the scary beauty of it.