The Genesis of Peyton Vol. 2

Chapter Twenty-eight

I'm not prepared for what I see the next time I open my eyes.
Gen is sitting on my bed, stroking my hair. She looks paler, if that's possible and her eyes are sparkling but in a way I can tell she's been crying.
"Hi," she says.
I sit up and try to flatten my hair although I know it doesn't help. I haven't showered in days, I haven't even changed my clothes.
"Hi," I say back, my voice hoarse. I clear my throat. "You made good time," I say, even though I have no idea what time it is, it's just something to say.
Gen holds up a paper bag. "Brought you something," she says, pulling out my usual sandwich from Angelo's.
"I'm not hungry." This is stupid, we're acting like all of this isn't a big deal. She's here, in front of me and I haven't even touched her yet.
"I know you haven't been eating," she says, holding the sandwich closer to me. "Just take a bite."
I'm annoyed. "Stop, can we cut the act and just get to the part where we fight and you leave me?"
"Is that what you want?" Gen asks, her voice level.
"I don't know," I say with an unnecessary attitude. The correct answer was no.
"Well, I agree, we need to talk but I don't want to fight."
"You should," I say, staring right into her eyes. I have to stay mad or else I'll throw myself at her and start blubbering like a baby. "You should want to scream at me, break up with me, never want to see me again."
"P, calm down," she says, reaching out to touch my arm.
I pull away. I don't know why. "I cheated on you with the person I told you not to worry about. That's like the ultimate betrayal."
"I am hurt," she says, reaching for me again. I don't pull away and the simple contact makes my throat tighten. "But I want to understand. Was it something I did? I know the long distance thing was hard and we haven't really talked a lot lately but I've been busy planning the move."
"Don't you think that's something you should've told me," I say, doubling down on the anger.
"Well, it's something we already talked about and I thought we were both ready for so I figured surprising you a little would've been ok."
It's a valid response but that only makes me madder.
"So you thought not talking to me for a week was a good pregame for practically moving in together?"
"Can I hug you?" Gen asks, randomly.
"Why?"
"Because when I'm sad and angry it helps to be held," she says.
Before I can protest, she reaches out her arms and grabs me around my shoulders. I melt into her skin instantly, the warmth and the smell feels exactly like home.
I'm reminded of the time I climbed into Gen's bed and held her when she was going through a depression. That's what I'm in right now and I didn't even realize until now. Just like Gen did all that time ago, I break down.
"I'm sorry," I say through my sobs.
Gen only pats my hair and shushes softly.
Once my eyes run dry I wipe my face.
"How did this get reversed?" Gen asks, trying to make a joke.
"You're a bad influence," I joke back.
I sit up and wipe at my face some more. I feel cold without her body heat. I physically shiver.
"You ok?" She asks.
"I wish you'd stop being so nice to me," I say, quietly. "I don't deserve kindness."
"Yes, you do. You made a mistake and you're owning up to it, that doesn't make you a bad person."
I could cry again but I force myself not to. "Do you want to take a walk or something?"
"Sure," she says.
I stand up and change out of my three day old clothes. I haven't seen Becca since I was a complete bitch to her. I hope she doesn't hate me.
When we walk out of the building, the fresh air hits me in the face. My head feels lighter and my lungs feel fuller. Who knew a hug and fresh air could be so helpful?
We start walking around the back of my building, starting a course around the block. "I'm sorry," I say again.
"I know you are," Gen says. "Truly, I do. I forgive you."
"Really?" I say, shocked.
She nods. "I just want to understand why and what it means for us."
I take a deep breath and try to really understand it myself. I decide to just talk, let everything inside my head come out.
"I think it was just too much for me. I know what I feel for you is love, in so many ways. You taught me how to be myself, you embraced me as I was. But here, without you, I felt lost. Like I relied too heavily on who I was with you.
"Kyann, she was a distraction. Not necessarily from you but from myself. When I was worried about her, I forgot about how worried I was about you. That sounds bad."
"No, I understand what you're saying," Gen says. I don't know if she means it but her voice is comforting, no edge to it.
"It was easier to focus on her because she was right here."
Gen nods. "I'm here now though, so what does that mean for us?"
"I don't know," I say, as we turn the corner. "I guess it's up to you. Can you trust me again?"
"I trust you still. I never stopped. Everyone makes mistakes, it's about how you handle them," she says, reaching out to grab my hand.
"I really appreciate that but I don't know if I deserve it. I don't know if I trust myself."
"With her?"
I take a deep breath. "I kissed her the second time. We met to talk about how the first kiss was a mistake and we were going to forget it ever happened but then I kissed her again. I don't know if it was because I wanted to kiss her or if I wanted to be kissed in general."
Gen pulls her eyebrows together. "So you don't think I would be enough? You can kiss me whenever you want now."
"I know, but that doesn't just erase how I felt before you got here."
"You mean, when you forgot me." Her grip on my hand loosens a little bit.
I don't know what to say because yes, that is what I meant. I held onto the idea of Gen so tight and wanted to be with only her for so long that I didn't pay any attention to the other opportunities that came my way. Until Kyann.
"We can just be friends, P," Gen says, dropping my hand altogether. "I don't mind starting over. And if it doesn't work out, at least we can say we tried."
My heart skips a beat and my mouth goes dry. "So we're breaking up?"
"For now," she says. "I'll give you space and time to figure out what you need to do. I have faith in us, though."
I look at her out of the side of my eye. "When did you get so wise?" I ask, a question we've asked each other before.
She shrugs. "I've learned a lot from the incredible women in my life over the past few years."
"Like Vanessa," I say, remembering she's also only minutes from me now.
"And you and my mom."
"How does everyone feel about you moving so far away?" I ask. We never got to talk about her moving here because I didn't actually know.
"Mom was sad, of course but Mike's excited to visit. Vanessa really needed this too, she was losing herself in that town."
"Your job let you transfer early," I say, not ask because obviously that's why she moved so quickly.
Gen hesitates and I notice her eyes widen slightly. "Actually, no. I had to quit and reapply. I haven't heard back yet."
"What?" I shout, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. "So you moved across the country literally just for me?"
"I'll get a job, Vanessa has an interview on Monday. We're just starting over here, all of us. It'll be fine." She sounds confident but I don't know if she's trying to convince me or herself.
"You guys are crazy," I say, shaking my head but smiling. "No one has ever done something so extreme for me before."
"Don't get a big head," Gen says, tapping her shoulder against mine. "She wants to see you."
"Vanessa? I want to see her too. Maybe we can get dinner tomorrow night?"
Gen smiles, tight lipped. "I'd like that."
We make it back around the front of the building and I'm surprised at how well this conversation has gone.
"Well, I guess I'll head back. We have to unpack and all that fun stuff," Gen says.
"Did you drive in or take the train?"
Gen smiles, a real one. "I'm a city girl now, I took the train."
I laugh. "Want me to walk you to the station?"
She shakes her head. "I'll be ok. I'm really happy to be here, P. I'm excited for this adventure, wherever it takes us."
I smile at her. I have missed her and I am glad she's here. "Me too, I'm sorry I ruined it though."
"Ruins can be rebuilt."
Her confidence gives me butterflies and I want so bad to believe her. I step closer to her and hug her tight. It's crazy how things can change. This should be the answer to all of my problems, everything I've ever wanted but it's not anymore. Not right now, anyway. I'm tired.
"See you tomorrow," Gen says before she kisses my cheek and walks away.
I should walk inside, I should find Becca but instead I keep walking past my building, across the street and to the left until I'm outside of Kyann's building.
In front of her door, I hesitate only for a second before knocking four times. She answers the door and looks surprised but tries to conceal it.
"We broke up," I say, before she can say anything. "We're starting over, just friends, seeing where it goes. I don't know what that means for me. I don't know what I want. I need time to myself, I need to focus on school and see how all the other cards fall."
Kyann nods once. "Ok."
"I want to be your friend, I want to be there for you when you need someone. I would really love it if you did go to those meetings and tried to keep yourself sober for you. I think we're the same when it comes to self love and confidence and maybe we can help each other with that."
"Ok," she says again, but smiles.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Thank you, for everything."
"Thank you, Peyton."
"See you in class," I say, and turn and walk away.
I hear the door close behind me and can't ignore the symbolism. The door is closing on this chapter of my life. It's time to open a new one.