The Genesis of Peyton Vol. 2

Chapter Twenty

I crawl into the bed, trying to stay as far away from Kyann as possible. I lay on my side, facing her, pushing my back as far against the wall as it will go.
I watch Kyann's fingers nimbly work the mouse pad, scrolling through movies and shows, periodically omitting small noises of dislike. Her fingers are long and thin. I remember their coldness and wonder what they would feel like on the warm parts of my skin.
I have to pull my eyes away, I have to focus on the screen. The way my hormones have taken over my brain, I feel like a teenage boy. Everything my eyes consume somehow turns into a dirty thought. A movie called Sex Drive instantly makes me blush. The thumbnail for a dating show with a woman's torso in a small bikini makes me imagine what Kyann would look like in a bathing suit.
I think about excusing myself to go splash cold water on my face or take a walk around the building to clear my head.
"How do you feel about horror?" Kyann asks, breaking me away from my thoughts.
"Yes, sure, sounds good," I say, too quickly. Scaring the shit out of myself might be equivalent to a cold shower.
"I found this one called Our House. Looks pretty cool." She turns the laptop towards me so I can get a better look at the screen.
"Absolutely," I say, after reading the summary that explains it's about ghosts and demons living in some family's home. Just what I need to extinguish this feeling.
She hits play and moves her body closer to mine. I know this is only to give me a better view of the movie but the warmth of her body radiating closer to mine is not helping my current situation.
I try to focus on the words coming from the speakers but the only thing bouncing around in my head are Gen's words from earlier. Her sexts.
I squeeze my eyes shut and try to will them away. I try to think about naked grandma's and dead puppies, things that are designed to turn you off but instead I think of Kyann, in a bikini, saying things she shouldn't be saying.
"Are you scared already?" Kyann asks, making my eyes fly open. Her face is leaned into mine, studying me with a smile. "Get in here," she says, moving her arm from between us, up and over my head.
I have seconds to decide how to react. If I deny her offer of comfort, I'll seem rude. If I accept, I'll be snuggled under her arm, breathing in her scent.
Although I shouldn't risk further exposure to her, I choose politeness over rationality. I lift my head and place it on her shoulder, allowing her arm to slide behind me. She puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. "You could've said no," she says and it takes me a minute to realize she's talking about the movie choice.
I shake my head which basically just makes me nuzzle deeper into her. "It's ok."
"We can stop," she says. I can't ignore the double meaning.
We should stop. I should stop. I'm in a relationship, I love someone who trusts me. I can't break her trust.
Then it dawns on me. I don't even know if Kyann is attracted to women. It's never come up in our conversations. I assumed she's gay because of how I feel about her. Aside from her more masculine choice of clothing, which literally means nothing when it comes to sexuality, I have no proof that she would be interested in me in any other way than a friend.
I let my revelation relax me a little. I take a deep breath. "No, I'm fine. I want to."
Kyann squeezes my arm again, reassuringly before we both turn our attention back to the screen.
The buzzing in my skin starts to subside, my brain starts to focus on what's going on in the movie. Idly, Kyann starts dragging her fingers along the outside of my bicep. At least, I'm trying to convince myself it's idly. The slight contact starts the tingling in my skin again. The symmetry to a text I read earlier is evident only to me. The feeling makes me shiver involuntarily.
"Are you cold?" She asks.
I shake my head.
"We can get under the blanket?"
I shake my head again. I know that's a bad idea.
"Does this tickle?"
I nod.
"In a bad way?" Her voice sounds slightly different, or maybe it's just from the blood rushing in my ears.
I shake my head.
Kyann starts making small circles instead of long lines. Her fingertips feel so soft, almost nonexistent. I feel my body press closer to her even though I don't tell it to.
What happens next happens fast and slow at the same time. I feel her other hand slide under my chin, tipping my face up before continuing its travels up to my cheek where her thumb rubs the skin just under my eye.
I look into her eyes and forget everything, I probably couldn't even tell you my own name. She keeps her eyes open, leaning as far as she can before our noses touch and then our lips. They press together so lightly, neither one of us bothered to pucker them, the way you're supposed to.
I breathe in through my nose and inhale the breath that came out of hers. I've never smelled anything like it, it's so incredibly her. It's more intoxicating than the scent of her skin. I breathe it in again and let it consume me. My eyes roll back before they close and Kyann takes this as a good sign. She presses herself closer to me and parts my lips with her tongue.
Her kisses are slow and intense. Everytime our lips part it feels like seconds before they connect again. Her hand moves from my cheek, around into my hair. I feel her fingers thread as slowly as her lips move. It feels like someone pressed the slow motion button.
Kyann pulls her arm from behind me and shifts herself so half of her body is pressing into mine. I have no control over my hand when it reaches up and grabs the back of her neck, feeling the long soft skin there.
So, she is attracted to women. At least, she's attracted to me. This is what I was afraid of. This is why I didn't trust myself around her. This is better than how I'd imagined it but somewhere creeping in the back of my mind, something feels wrong.
As if to answer my thoughts, I feel my phone vibrate under my butt cheek. It startles me enough to bring me back to reality. I pull myself away from her, covering my mouth with my hand.
The thing that feels wrong appears in my mind as clear as a Colorado night sky. And she's waiting for me on the other side of the phone.
"You have to go," I say, scrambling to get out from under her to no avail. I'm pinned between her and the wall with no possible escape route.
Kyann sits up on her knees. "Shit, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that."
Not exactly what you want to hear someone say after they kiss you but I'll take the apology.
"It's fine, I shouldn't have done that. I have a girlfriend."
I pull my legs up and swing them to the other side of the bed. I stand up and start pacing with nowhere to go. The room is too small and it's getting smaller by the second.
"I know you do, that's why I'm sorry," Kyann says, turning so she's facing me but staying on the bed. "I can't believe I did this, I fucked up the one good thing I had." She says the second part to her hands which are placed face up on her thighs.
She sounds sad and angry and I know I should tell her to leave again but I don't want her to be alone like this. I don't know her well enough to know if this is something that will set her off, make her use the remaining few dollars she has to buy back her pills.
My phone vibrates again, reminding me I have a text but it's still in my back pocket. I can't bring myself to look at the screen, see the name that I know is there. I left her hanging and I'm sure, at this point, she's worried.
"It's ok," I say, forcing my feet to stop and face her. "It just can't happen again. Ever. And you can tell anyone." That sounds as bad as it is.
Kyann gets off the bed and stands in front of me, holding out her pinky finger. "It won't, I promise."
I flick my eyes between her finger and her eyes, back down to her finger. I hook my pinky with hers and ignore the tingly feelings that's still there. When we unhook she drags that hand down her face.
"I'll go now. I'm sorry, again," she says, with a nervous chuckle.
"Are you ok? Where are you going to go?" I ask, resuming my role of unofficial sponsor.
Kyann smiles a little but it's not genuine. "I'll go back to my room, finish that movie that I wasn't really watching," she says, pointing her thumb toward the laptop that's tipped backwards on my bed.
"You're sure?"
She nods. "Thank you, I'll be ok. See you Monday?"
In class. I nod and try to smile but I imagine it looks painful. I don't feel like smiling at all.
Kyann turns and walks out the door. As soon as it shuts, I drop to my knees, bury my head in my mattress and cry. I can't believe I let that happen. I can't believe I fooled myself into thinking it wouldn't.
I want to call Becca but I don't. Telling her would make me feel worse, make this all feel more real. I can't keep it a secret forever, I'm going to have to tell Gen. I never thought I was the kind of person that cheats but I'm definitely not the kind of person who would lie about it.
I cheated. I kissed someone else. I broke Gen's trust. Mark this down as the second time I broke her. What am I going to do?