The Genesis of Peyton Vol. 2

Chapter Ten

After my second drink I ordered a glass of water and mozzarella sticks. I've been sitting here discreetly watching Vanessa sitting at a table talking with that woman. I'm trying to gauge how things are going but all I can see is Vanessa blushing, blank faced.
My buzz is practically completely worn off and I'm getting tired. I don't want to break up Vanessa's conversation but the next time she glances at me, I tap my invisible watch. She nods slightly before turning her eyes back to the woman.
I watch them exchange numbers as I finish the last mozzarella stick and wash it down with the rest of my water. Vanessa comes over to me and let's a smile spread from ear to ear.
"Have a nice time?" I ask.
"Don't say anything yet," she says, her eyes widening.
I pay my tab and we make our way out to the car. I did see a waitress go over to the table Vanessa was sitting at a few times which explains her wobbly steps.
I go around to the passenger side and open the door for her. She sits in the seat and pats my cheek before I close the door. Definitely tipsy.
"Can you tell me now?" I ask once I'm in the car, starting it.
Vanessa starts crying. Full out, sobs and tears. I turn toward her, reaching my hand out to touch her shoulder. "What's wrong?" I ask.
"I'm gay," Vanessa shouts. "I'm so gay, extremely gay."
I stare at her in shock, not at her words but that this is the reason she's crying. "Ok," I say, softly. "Why does that make you sad?"
She sniffles and when she talks again her voice is quiet. "I thought it would be easier to just force myself to like men because at least that's a whole different game," she says, not really making any sense. "I don't think any other woman can compete with you."
I look at her confused, not connecting what I have to do with any of this. Vanessa wipes at her eyes and sits up straight.
"I'm drunk," she says with a chuckle. "Just forget everything I said, let's go home."
Often, we do just forget whatever awkward or tough things we say to one another. We sweep everything under the rug for fear of fighting or losing each other again.
"No, we should talk about it," I say lightly. "Clearly something is upsetting you and I want to help."
"I'm not upset," Vanessa says, finally looking at me. "That girl's name is Nicole and she wants to hang out with me again."
"That's great," I say, "but let's circle back to the crying."
"Let's not," she says with a little more force than I think even she means. She tries to laugh. "I'm just drunk, I always cry when I'm drunk."
I don't want to push her so I put the car in reverse and pull out of the parking lot. We drive for a little while with the music coming quietly through the speakers as the only sound.
We're almost to her house before Vanessa speaks again. "Fine, you're right. We should talk about it because I don't think I'd ever say anything sober."
The abruptness startles me but I quickly recover. I'm nervous for an unknown reason but compose my face to look interested and supportive.
"I think I'm in love with you, I think I always have been. I thought if I just focused on being straight and being your friend then everything would work out but I think I was wrong," Vanessa says quickly in her usual quip. "Talking to that girl tonight, I was excited and I felt attraction and desire way more than I ever have with any man so I know I'm gay but I just kept looking at you in the background and thinking that I would still rather be over there with you."
I take in all of her words and feel the weight of them. "Oh," is all I can get out.
"And it doesn't help when you kiss me. I know you were drunk and sad and just trying to fill a void but in that minute I would've let you use me for the rest of forever. Even knowing you'd never love me the way you love Peyton, I'd still stay. That scares me."
Vanessa pulls her hair back and twists it into a messy bun. She takes a deep breath and reaches for the door handle. "You don't have to say anything, and tomorrow when I wake up I'll pretend that this never happened. You're my best friend, Gen. No matter what way I can have you, I won't lose you again."
Before I can unscramble my thoughts to say anything, she gets out of the car and walks through her front door.
I debate whether or not I should follow. She still lives in her childhood home with her parents who are most likely home. Spending the night isn't out of the ordinary but I don't want to make Vanessa uncomfortable.
I decide, against my gut feeling, to just head home. I think about all the things she said as I drive. When we became friends again, what happened in the past was one of those things we just didn't talk about. We apologized to each other and recognized that we were just kids and there was a lot going on but we never talked about how it made us feel or how we feel now.
Vanessa jumped back into the role of my best friend like no time had passed. If anyone else would have told me she's in love with me, I wouldn't believe them.
I pull into my driveway and the only person I want to talk to is across the country. With the time difference, it's already past 2am for her. I pull my phone out and notice I don't have any texts from Peyton. We haven't talked since she left for the party.
I decide to risk it and send her a text just to let her know I made it home, even though she didn't. I also ask her to call me when she wakes up, hinting that there's something I need to talk about without making her paranoid.
I go inside and my mom is still up, snuggled on the couch with Luke. He moved in last year and things have actually been ok. Even Mike has started to open up to him.
"Hey, honey, how was your night?" Mom asks when I walk in.
I don't really feel like talking, I'd much rather just go lay in bed but, another trick from my therapist, when I feel like avoiding something, I should talk about.
"Weird, actually," I say, walking over and sitting in the chair next to the couch.
Mom leans up and pushes the mute button on the tv remote. "Weird how?"
"Vanessa just told me she's in love with me," I say, making it sound more like a question. "She was drunk but I think she meant it."
My mom's eyebrows shoot up to her forehead. "Oh no," she says softly. "How do you feel about her?"
"I love her," I say. "Like she's my best friend. If I never met Peyton, maybe I would feel different."
"That's alright," she says. "It happens sometimes, unrequited love. Now you just have to be there for her, don't make her feel unwanted or bad about herself. If she still wants to be friends, that's great you just can't ever forget about her true feelings."
I remember when I was younger I thought my mom knew nothing. Now that I'm older, I'm so thankful for her wisdom and insight.
"I really hope we can stay friends, she's really the only one I've got," I say.
"Oh, you've got me," my mom says, reaching over to grab my hand.
"And me," Luke chimes in.
"Wow, thanks guys," I say sarcastically but really I am grateful.
I stand up, kiss my mom on the cheek and fist bump Luke before heading towards the stairs.
"It'll be alright, Gen," my mom says, reassuringly.
"I hope so," I say and head up to my room.
I close my bedroom door behind me and my eyes go immediately to the sketches that Peyton taped to my wall what seems like forever ago. I miss her and I wish so much that I could talk to her about this, she would know exactly what I should do.
I change out of my clothes, into shorts and a tank top and climb into bed. I try as hard as I can to not let my thoughts turn negative. I know that if I let myself think that Peyton has forgotten me, that she's with someone else, that something bad happened to her, or that Vanessa and I's friendship is over for good I will spiral out of control. I will have to spend the next however many days, curled up in this bed until I can convince myself otherwise.
I turn on my TV, go to Netflix and play my favorite show. I try to focus on whatever humorous dilemma going on between four roommates and it must work. I fall asleep to the sounds of Schmidt and Nick yelling at each other.