Philophobia (Kei Tsukishima Fanfiction)

Chapter 45

XLV.

Kinomi.

I was home for a moment. But maybe I was just dreaming. And if it really was just a dream, I hope that it could last for as long as I'm allowed to.

"Why not?" I manage to choke out, confused at his actions.

I felt his deep breaths against my neck, and he stayed quiet. Even with the effects of alcohol, I could still feel how warm he was. Then after a few moments, he pulled away and stared into my eyes.

"Looks like you're a little sober now." Tsukishima muttered, then he fished a handkerchief in his pocket, wiping my tears away with it. "You're still the same crybaby from years ago." He sighed. "But I know you're not that stupid to do something you know you can't handle."

His touch made my skin tingle. It was enough to break and mend my heart at the same time, and it reflected through the new batch of tears in my eyes. I don't know how I'm going to explain these feelings or if I'm even allowed to feel this way.

"I can handle it..." I retorted with a small voice.

"No, you can't." He countered. "Otherwise, you wouldn't be in this situation."

"I didn't mean to bother you. In fact, I don't even want to see you again." I admitted, my gaze lowering down because I was too scared to see his reaction. "It just reminds me of the decisions I have to stand by." I shook my head.

"Which is?" He asked carefully.

"To leave you alone." I hugged my arms.

He attempted to stand up which made me immediately dart my head up and grab his hand by instinct. Then I quickly let go upon realizing what I just did.

"Sorry..." I mumbled, embarrassed.

What the hell did I just do? I'm the one who talks big about leaving yet I'm the one who's scared as fuck to be left by him!

"I'm not leaving, if that's what you wanted to know." He said. "I'm just going to get you some extra blankets."

I just watched him rummage through the cabinets to take a thick, pink comforter out. The silence was accompanied with tension but it wasn't the kind that is uncomfortable. To be honest, this was the first time I felt really glad that he was here with me since I arrived. Maybe because deep inside I knew this moment wouldn't last.

"Here. Get some sleep." He muttered as he gave me the comforter. He occupied his spot earlier then stared into my eyes again. I nodded, then lied down and snuggled inside the thick blankets, closing my eyes.

"Tsukishima?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you." I whispered.

I felt him shift his position, but he never replied. I felt his stare at me but I didn't mind it. It's ironic how I knew how much he hated me but it felt like I was in the safest place in the world right now. And he never left until I drifted into a deep sleep.

~*~

I could already feel the throbbing headache before I could even open my eyes. A groan escaped my dry lips as I slowly sat up, holding my head as I rest against the headboard of the bed. It was one of those terrible hangovers. The last time I'd had this kind of hangover was when Tetsurou dragged me to drink with him at the house because he was a curious cat. I needed to unwind, he said. It'll be fun, he said. I puffed out a breath. I also found out that I get really red, hot and blotchy so I never touched alcohol ever since.

Even with the throbbing headache and slightly itchy skin, I drank the half-empty glass of water on the nightstand to put moisture to my dry throat. My mind instinctively went back to our conversation last night. Alcohol is such a huge scam. I thought that it can drown all of my feelings, guilt, regrets and my could have beens, but it all just amplified and resurfaced everything. I forced myself to forget the look of hurt and disdain in his eyes as he stared straight into me. Even in my drunken dreams, my thoughts were still filled with the thoughts of how sorry I am and how much I had missed him.