Philophobia (Kei Tsukishima Fanfiction)

Chapter 39

Okay... I don't know what I just wrote down below :3 To my anime only readers, this chapter contains spoilers for the Nationals arc. I'm still salty about haikyuu ending so. . . a salty chapter for y'all. The song above is my inspiration for this chapter and it's also one of my favorite Japanese songs, too. Brb, gonna go back to playing wii lmao. -- Lyn

XXXIX.

Kinomi.

Sigh.

That's what I did for the remainder of the year. While the incoming event is enough for any normal person to feel all light and excited deep inside, I only felt the cold winter air as the day I dreaded the most takes its sweet time approaching.

Aside from helping out my team with whatever I can with the preparations for Nationals, I just stayed locked up in my room throughout winter break just talking to Kei. He was invited to a first year training camp situated in Shiratorizawa Academy. He ranted to me about how he savored secondhand embarrassment when Hinata showed up as well despite being unbidden. The personal invitation to a training camp is also a recognition of his talents. I wonder if he thought about that?

Just when I thought that I did a good job at not stirring up any form of suspicion, I completely broke down when he gave me that ring. Out of all the things he could have possibly give me. I even almost confessed. Stupid, stupid Kei. Why do you always make everything difficult for me?

"How did Tsukki take the news?" Tetsurou asked me.

The asshole opened my door with his spare key and literally dragged me out of bed because he hardly sees me around the house anymore. So then we spent the afternoon in the living room couch. In order to lighten up my mood, he let me borrow his PSP.

"I didn't tell him yet." I drawled, my focus still on my game.

"Eh, really? Why not?" I shrugged as an answer. "When are you planning to tell him then?"

"I don't know yet."

"You're not planning on breaking up with him, are you?" When I didn't answer, it made him form his own conclusion. "It's not guaranteed that we'll not come back, Kinomi-chan." He winced at me.

"Nothing is guaranteed, Tetsurou." I retorted, letting my character die in the game before shooting him a bland gaze. "That includes our feelings. We are still young, you know. We might love each other now, but what will happen after years of not seeing each other?"

"You know that love is more than physical, right? It's also a conscious commitment. You choose each other every day."

"I chose you." Kei's words echoed in my head. "I chose to love you."

I lifted my feet on the couch and put it over his lap, shifting in a more comfortable position. I let out an exasperated sigh, remembering that I also believed in that sentiment somehow. However, everything has limitations. He might choose me now and in the coming days... but...

"I believe in that, too. But there are some battles that we know we have a chance on winning, but it doesn't mean that we should risk taking it." Tetsurou was about to retort but I beat him to it. "Let's say that you and Eira-san will also choose each other until the end. But unlike Kei and I, you two are connected through a child. What strong connection do we have?"

"You and Tsukki make no difference. Isn't it enough that you two love each other?"

I let out a bitter smile. Then I slightly shook my head. "Sadly, love isn't always enough." I said, puffing out a breath to prevent the threat of incoming tears. Wow, my chest hurts. Those simple statements made my heart hurt so bad. If love is always enough, then life would have remained perfect. My life, that is. "I... I'm not sure if Kei and I will see each other again but all I know is that I don't want to tie him to me and give him false hopes." Tetsurou looked away, and he clenched his jaw. I don't know if he was angry with me or what. "And now's not the right time for it, is it? You know that, too." I squinted my eyes at him. Then turned my attention back at the PSP to retry a new game. "Nationals. He doesn't need this right now."