Repetition Compulsion

37.

Before Sera received the news of Nahi's departure, she had been living her whole life with unprocessed feelings surrounding her parents' abandonment, the sheriff's betrayal, and her sister's death.

But, on the day of her 22nd birthday, Sera got two more things added into the mix. Sera was neither naïve nor stupid; she knew it was only a matter of time before she blew up like the grenade that she was, taking everything and everyone else around her with. 

She was also quite aware that her unprocessed feelings with regards to Nahi's sudden departure had gotten her one step closer to blowing up. But what she hadn't foreseen coming was Abimbola's being a saint, rather than a sinner being the one final thing that pushed her off the edge.

Yes, Abimbola had laid out all his baggage and laid it out in front of her for her to see and decide if she still wanted him, but Sera hadn't done the same. And the more she thought about it, the more she realized that her baggage was too much to bear and she couldn't let Abimbola be with her when she had so much baggage. He would try to own it and help her out with it and he already had so much to deal with already. He was already going through so much and dealing with a lot, and Sera knew it would be selfish for her to add herself into this man's life without thinking of the consequences. In essence, Sera had decided that Abimbola was a good man, and that he deserved better, and she most definitely was not better. And so, she had decided to run before she could destroy him. 

Looking back at it now, Sera knows she could have prevented the sequence of events that was about to happen. She knows she could have stopped it all from happening had she just allowed herself to actually feel all those emotions she was trying so hard not to feel.

All the tragic events that were about to happen could have been prevented had she just burst into tears or let out an ear-splitting scream or even went for a walk to blow off some steam. But she didn't do any of that and maybe that's where the problem started; she was so focused on being strong and blocking out all the emotions that she should have been feeling that she didn't notice she was going off on a downward spiral.

To some extent, she was already beginning to lose her mind along with any grip she had on reality, just like she had three years earlier. Unfortunately, she just didn't know it, yet. Well, at least that's the only logical explanation to explain why she failed to remember any of the events that happened following up to her steamy session with Abimbola.

Sera distinctly remembered leaving Abimbola's place, and as she did, she recalled seeing red. But after that, her mind was a blank. She had no idea how she had gotten home or how she had gotten on her kitchen counter top, or even why her clothes were off. But above all, Sera had no idea why or who was inside her, moving around and graciously helping themselves to her body parts.

It was a very strange feeling being aware and unaware all at the same time. The only way to explain it is that Sera was still herself, but not quite. She was present, but mostly as a spectator in her own life. But even then, the events she was witnessing did not make any sense to her.

Because she felt so strange, Sera managed to convince herself that everything that was happening to her in that moment was all in her head...a figment of her imagination. It was the only way she could make sense of the situation. At the moment, not a single part of her felt like she was in danger. In fact, not a single part of her felt anything at all. It was like she had reached a whole new level of emotional and physical numbness, and maybe that's why she didn't freak out when she realized that the person forcing his way inside her was none other than Troy. Maybe that's why she didn't even bother asking him what he was doing to her, or how he had gotten into her apartment, and maybe that's why she didn't even try to fight him off.

As Troy watched Sera regain her consciousness, Troy slowly moved his hand to cover her mouth, probably to stop her from screaming. But as he watched her calmly continue sitting on the kitchen counter, without screaming or fighting, Troy dropped the hand that had been cuffing her mouth, and then scanned her face intently. For some reason, Sera's calmness seemed to throw him off a bit, but as he stared into her eyes, he finally realized what was going on; she was in pain, but not actually feeling the pain. There was this strange, unexplainable look on his face as he continued scanning her. It was almost like her current state was bringing him some kind of hurt and ache. But, to be fair, and in Troy's defense, he may only have been upset that he wasn't the only one causing Sera pain anymore. If there was one thing that Troy had always taken pride in, it was in being the one to break Sera.

He opened his mouth to speak, and Sera could see his lips moving, yet she did not hear a single word that came out of his mouth. It was like his lips were moving, but no sound was coming out. So, she just sat there, watching his lips, waiting to hear something—anything that would make all that was happening to her make sense.

When he finished talking, he extended his arms and embraced her. Then he proceeded to kiss her; first on her mouth, then on her neck and then on her bare shoulders. But even with all the kissing going on, Sera still did not feel anything. She was numb. She was completely numb. So, she just sat there as Troy proceeded to thrust himself into her again and again and again.

She did not feel or react to anything before, during or after he came to a finish. Instead, she just sat there, butt naked on the kitchen counter, trying to figure out if all this was real or not.

As he came to a finish, Troy collapsed on the couch next to the kitchen counter with a strange smirk on his face. Silence filled the air, but even in all that silence, his smirk was loud. It was so unnecessarily loud.

And then it just happened:

It was like a switch just flipped in Sera's head, and she suddenly just had this desperate need to wipe that bloody smirk off his face. So, she picked up the closest thing to her, and unfortunately for him,  it was a dirty carbon steel pot. Then, she swung it over his head, knocking him out instantly. She watched as his body hit the floor in a thud.

Then there was a deafening silence.

And for a minute Sera just sat there appreciating the silence that she had spent the entire course of her failed relationship craving.

But, even though there was a deafening silence in the room, Sera's thoughts were still pretty loud, and finally, in the midst of all that madness, she decided to process.