Repetition Compulsion

24.

"Take off your dress, Sera"

Apart from the stars in the sky, there was no other source of light, but Sera could still see his dark brown eyes glistening in the dark.

"What?"

"Sera...take off your dress and wear the hoodie instead. It will cover your whole body, and it will help keep you warm."

There was a look of pure amusement on his face as he handed Sera a large, grey hoodie.

"Oh...s-sorry. I thought...I...."

"You thought what, Sera?"

Sera could tell he was trying really hard not to laugh as he watched her stumble on her words. In the end Sera decided to keep her mouth shut in order to spare herself the embarrassment.

"I'm just gonna go behind the car, and put this on, okay?", Sera said.

"Okay," he replied, an amused look still evident on his face.

She was still not quite sure where Abimbola had taken her, but they seemed to be in an open space in the middle of the woods, on a small cliff overlooking the rest of the city.

"I feel the need to casually remind you that I own a gun, and I know how to use it. So, I really hope for your sake that you are not a serial killer", Sera said teasingly as she made her way back to the front of Abimbola's car where he was now sitting on the hood of his Alfa Romeo, with his blazer jacket off, hair looking a little messier than usual, and smoking what appeared to be a cigarette.

"You brought me out here to smoke?"

"You have something against smoking?" He asked mischievously, as he took a puff. She noticed how the moonlight landed on the exposed skin on his body, giving it a soft and glowy shine , just like how she always imagined angel skin would look like if angels could actually exist on Earth.

"Is that a cigar?", Sera asked.

"What do you have against cigars?"

Sera had no problem with smoking in general, but cigars in particular ticked her off. Most of the many unwanted memories that she still had of her guardian Sheriff Billy Payne were tied to cigar smells. Sometimes when the smell of cigars surrounding her was too strong, she got strong flashbacks or paralyzing day dreams which took a strong mental and emotional toll on her body, making it harder for her to go on with her daily tasks.

She didn't tell Abimbola that though. She decided she had overshared enough for one night.

"Trust me, okay? I'm the doctor here, remember?", he said whilst patting on the empty space next to him. Sera hesitated for a bit, but then extended her arm so he could help her climb on top. As she sat next to him, she made sure to press her back against the windshield for support.

"You okay?", Abimbola asked, whilst observing Sera curiously.

"Yeah...It's just...I thought you were smoking a cigar", she replied, whilst trying her best not to scrunch up her nose.

"Damn...what have cigars ever done to you?" Even though his tone was laced in elements of seriousness and concern, there was a random, playful smirk on his face, and Sera couldn't quite figure out why it was there. It looked awkward, and misplaced.

She also couldn't help but notice that he looked a little bit happier than he did before they had gotten to this strange little place, and she also couldn't quite figure out why. That was until the smell finally hit her.

"Wait...is that weed?"

Abimbola chuckled deviantly, and then took another puff. There was a general look of contentment on his face as he rolled his shirt sleeves further up his arm, revealing half of a tattoo. Sera was a little taken aback because she never could have guessed that the perfect and well-put together Abimbola Blake smoked weed like everyone else. Before that moment, Sera had never actually imagined Abimbola doing normal people things. Somehow it all just seemed beneath him.

"We all have our vices, Ms Seme", he said after exhaling. There was a look of pure joy on his face as the white smoke left his pink, wet lips. Then he breathed in the open air, his lean body relaxing under the moonlight. "What's your vice?", he asked whilst passing Sera the joint.

"Vices exist to numb pain." Sera replied, whilst receiving the joint. "Somehow you don't strike me as a guy who is pained by anything."

"You didn't answer my question", he said, not appearing in the least bit to be fazed by Sera's statement.

Sera knew she never would have found the right words to make Abimbola understand. After all, how do you explain to someone that you don't have any vices put in place to deal with your pain because you would rather not deal with all your pain at all? How do you explain to someone that instead of dealing with your current pain or any of your past traumas, you were choosing to ignore it, and choosing instead to dedicate the rest of your days to perfecting the craft of living with the pain, yet avoiding it all at the same time?

How do you explain to someone that all the pain you have ever experienced in your life is still living somewhere deep down inside of you and that you are now just anxiously waiting for the day when all the pain will push back with full force and break you and rip you apart?

The simple answer is: 'You don't'. Not unless you want to be sent to a mental institution.

So Sera didn't. Instead, she chose to tell him what she had been conditioned to believe was the healthiest and most appropriate response to dealing with pain and trauma. She chose crying.

There was a moment of silence before he answered:

"I guess I can see that", he replied, whilst moving his hands behind his head and shifting the rest of his body so he could face the sky. "You look really soft and brittle like you could break at any moment. But then again, something about you screams 'Warrior Princess'. I don't know, you just have this whole internalized strength thing going on."

"Well...is that a good thing?"

There was another moment of silence where he turned to look at Sera for a prolonged period of time. There was a longing look in his eyes as he continued watching her, and for a minute, she thought: Yep. He is definitely out of it .

But then he extended his hand, and pushed a strand of her curly hair behind her ear. "Very good thing", he replied with a soft smile.