From The Moment We Met

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

He was asking what happened. Could I even tell him? That He...raped...me? I get chills when I think of it. I just want to be numb, I don't want to feel again. When I do, I feel disgusting and putrid, I'm diseased by my father's selfishness and stupidity.

Nonetheless, I try to act as if nothing ever happened. Forcing a smile on my lips almost brings tears to my eyes. "Nothing, dear. I'm just a little tired is all." I respond to Koda.

"Ash, I know something's up, I can see it written all over your face, not to mention you were crying." He said.

He could tell. He can see how dirty I am. I feel bile slowly rise up in my throat and I forcefully choke it down.

"Just tell me, I--"

"If you can have parts of your secrets, then I'm allowed to have mine! You don't understand, it's not so easy! Leave it alone." I shout, forcing anger into my tone.

I hated myself even more. I had yelled at my only friend, pushing him away. But if he knew, he wouldn't want to be around me. I don't want to lose the only person I have left.

Deciding to not even stay here, I walked out the big doors of the school and headed up the street.

I'll make this the perfect time to get to know my new home.

I continued down the street for almost an hour when I came to a park. It was bigger than the one back home.

This park looked as if it was new, with a monstrous combination of slides, towers to climb, monkey bars, and swings. There was plenty of field to run and play games, with a creek streaming by. It was beautiful.

I slowly walked up to the swing and sat down, rocking back and forth gently. I miss being a little girl. Those were the days when He was happy.

Daddy never hurt me, and I was always good. He tucked me in at night, he told me he loved me, he didn't hate me for looking like Mommy. These were the days when I was his little angel.

Thinking of all this, I started to cry again, more furiously. Why did I have to lose her? Did I deserve all of this? Him stealing my innocence, beating me down, why? Why?

I hopped up from the swing and stumbled over to the streaming water and fell to my knees. My reflection was so hollow and broken. I looked around me. There was a group of boys playing football so happily. I recognized them as the guys I had lunch with my first day.

Smiles plastered on their faces, they looked like life could only be perfect. A deep longing swelled inside. I want that. My sobs wracked whole body as I turned away. It was too much for me to see something I want so badly.

Is this what a panic attack feels like? It feels like my heart is literally breaking. Maybe it is, that I can't handle anything else. My breaths were coming in short gasps now.

I can't take it anymore. I slip my bag off of my back and look for my little black pouch. I pull it out and take out my razors, my only relief.

I slide it across my wrist, once, twice, more.

This is for Koda. Cut. This is for my mother. Two cuts. This is for me. Three Cuts. And this is for Him. More, I can't stop. Deeper. It's starting to feel better now, I think. My eyes start to blur and I stop and look at my arm.

All of the new cuts are already starting to pucker and drip blood, some in a steady flow. I hear my name called far away. Or was it? I'm swimming underwater now, I can't feel. My name is really close.

I think I'm being pulled down farther, water seeping in my lungs, burning them with each breath.

Just stop breathing.

I realize I'm not really underwater, or drowning. This beautiful, numb feeling is death. I'm dying. I see faces in front of me, yelling.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I want to say to them.

The next face I see is familiar. Who? I try to think real hard for a moment. Koda. His eyes are scaring me, they're full of fear. Why're you afraid, darling?

I don't want to look anymore. I closed my eyes to shield them from his, and I slowly let myself drift off into the darkness that surrounded me.