ALONE.. Remus sanders angst||completed

chapter four||pain sinking in

TW. cutting, intrusive thoughts, blood

My eyes flutter open as I lay still on the floor from yesterday, or what I think was yesterday, I have no real way of telling. It was pretty obvious at this point that I had fallen asleep. After what was probably hours of just sitting there, hopeless.

My back was aching from sleeping on the floor, so I hurt quite a bit when I decided to get up after sitting there for about a half an hour.

Not knowing what to do I summoned myself some deodorant, flavored this time and paced around the living room and kitchen. I tried very hard to not think about what's been happening, but as I know the more you try and not think about something the harder it is, so I ultimately failed at that.

Still trying not to think about it all, I continue to pace around the living room and kitchen, trying to distract myself I think of some of my 'intrusive thoughts'. Although that didn't work horribly it didn't work as much as I hoped it did. Somehow my demented thoughts always made itself back to reality.

After a while I gave up on trying to distract myself with thoughts. I sat on the couch and grabbed the remote. Hopefully some TV will do me justice. I turned on the TV and looked through my options. To my disappointment there was nothing there to distract me with. They all somehow either uninterested me more or reminded me of where I am in life.

It was pretty clear to me that trying to distract myself wasn't going to work. Maybe I should just confront the head of my problems head on, Janus. Once again my own thought prohibited me from confronting him.

"Why can't I confront him, DAMN IT!" I yell, throwing one of the decorative couch pillows on the ground.

I look at the pillow pretty angrily and start to kick it, imaging the pillow as my problems.

The split, my banishment, Virgil leaving, my repression, Janu-

I stopped kicking when I imagined the pillow as the snake-like side.

Why. he caused me so much pain. Why can I even imagine hurting him without feeling guilty.

Why does it hurt so much?

Why did he have to hurt me like this?

I don't want to hate him.

Let's be honest here he probably hates you. Why else would he leave knowing your fears.

The strange voice makes its way back in my mind. Telling me things I rather not believe. But still really confused because I recognize this voice but from where?

Putting that aside and walk to the kitchen in hopes I can salvage the little food left in the fridge. I stare at the almost empty fridge for a good few minutes till I see that there are some things to make a sandwich. Not a great sandwich, but still a sandwich.

I find the bread but with only two pieces left, the edge pieces. I grab some lettuce and go over to the knives to get one to cut the lettuce. But instead I just stare intensely at the knives with that voice swarming around my head.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

I honestly didn't know what it truly meant by 'do it'. Cross between the voice meaning just cutting and ending it, I grab a small knife and pull up my sleeve. Slowly just grazing it august my arm and not cutting it the voice just swarms around my mind faster than before.

I start to push harder against my skin, slowly cutting it. Blood starts running down my arm and I cut even more. More and more, I couldn't stop, every time I go for more the voice gets louder and faster.

I press harder hoping it will satisfy the voice and it will stop pounding at my mind. But instead it kept getting faster and louder, I knew that the voice was only in my head but it felt like my ears would start bleeding at any moment.

After a few minutes I looked down at my arm, it was almost fully covered in blood. I set down the knife not caring to wash it and go over to the sink, some of my blood dripping on the floor. I put my arm in the sink and started running water over the cuts. I sat there blankly as the water ran over my arm. I notice that the water isn't bloody anymore and turn off the tap.

I walk over to the bathroom to find some bandages. I look in the cabinet underneath the sink and in the mirror and only finding band aids. I decided it was good enough and put the band aids on the really bad cuts, leaving 60% of them exposed.

I pull down my sleeve and walk to my room. I don't really know why I went to my room. I kinda just did. I layed on my very messy bed while looking at the ceiling. I laid there like an empty shell, but with the voice attacking every corner of my mind.

After who knows how long I attempt to go to sleep as that's the only thing that can bring me bliss at this point. Laying on my side, I close my eyes in hope to be saved by sweet unconsciousness.

The next day in Thomas's living room, with the light sides

Everyone was pretty panicked, well except for Logan, he's never panicked. Thomas was sitting on the couch close to crying, but still looking empty because of these new intrusive thoughts.

Virgil was publicly listing the bad things that could happen because of these thoughts, Roman was trying to think of ways to stop the flow of thoughts but failing and panicking, Patton was pacing and listing thing that could help in his mind as he knew that Remus was the cause, and Logan was trying, and failing to calm everyone down.

In the middle of this all there was Janus, cursing at himself for doing this. This was his fault, right? If he didn't leave everything would be ok. There was no way this wasn't his fault. He honestly felt awful. Not only did his actions hurt one of his best friends but now it's affecting everyone including Thomas. He had to do something and now.

He looked over at Patton, as he was the only other one who could possibly help.

"We need to do something," he tells Patton.

"I agree."

And with that the moral side and the snake side sink down to the dark side commons.