Where the heart lies

Chapter 32

I look around the room, eager, curious eyes bore into me as the group sits and waits for me to continue talking. "When I left Kennedy, I ran. I ran as far and as fast as I could. I packed up only a suit case, backpack and money and grabbed a bus out of town. I couldn't be near the city, near him. I ended up in Savannah, Georgia. I never expected to be there but I found a cheap place, got a job as a waitress and had my daughter" I look up to see eyes filled with tears. Are they happy? Are they sad? Rebecca looks at me, "You did it all on your own?" I nod my head. It was, it is, the hardest thing I've ever done. Raising my daughter on my own, leaving behind a toxic, abusive relationship, having no support, no friends. I look around at the ladies here with me now and smile. "It was hard. It still is, but when I was down there I started going to group therapy and it helped. A lot."

"So what made you come back?" I turn to look at Teresa, my lips curving just slightly. "When my daughter was about seven months old, I was working at the local diner, when a familiar face walked in. He caught me by surprise and I swear I thought I was seeing a ghost. My whole heart stopped and tears filled my eyes" Teresa gasps, her voice barely audible, "Who was it?"

I almost laugh at how she's eating up my life story like it's some sort of soap opera. I shake my head to stop myself from bursting into giggles, "Chris. Lilly's old boyfriend" I look up and see mouths dropped open. I don't think anyone was expecting that. I shrug at their shocked faces, "We sat and talked for a while. He met my daughter and we promised to stay in touch. Seeing him really got to me", I look down at my feet, avoiding their prying eyes, "After talking with him I felt so lonely. I felt so out of place. I looked at my daughter and realized that I wanted her to know where I came from. Where, at one point in my life, I felt loved. Not only by my mom but by Lilly and her family. So not long after, Chris actually helped me back and I moved back out here."

"Wait so you're with Chris now? That's a little messed up. Why would you date your dead best friends boyfriend?" The words sting and I flinch at the contact. Did someone really just say that? I look up, fury written in my eyes at the woman who just asked the question but I have no idea who it was. I shake my head vigorously, "No! I am not with Chris. But he is an amazing friend to me and my daughter calls him an uncle. He's my family now and Lilly will always be family to me too. I would never do that to her." I let out a shaky breath, willing the tears to stay trapped behind my eyes. When I catch my breath and calm myself I start talking again. "When I moved back, Chris encouraged me to continue group. Which I did. But I'd be lying if I said that I participated every time", I glance up at Lauren and smile softly, "At first I did all the time, but as the time grew, I stayed quiet. Listened. But a few months ago, Chris and I went out to diner. We were laughing, talking, really relaxing when someone entered the room and Chris shot up to go see the person. He said he couldn't believe his eyes and I thought it was just someone he used to know. I didn't realize at the time that it was someone I used to know too."

I look up again at the women sitting in a circle, their full attention on me. My heart races, I take a deep breath and continue, "I was focused on my dessert when Chris brought him over but when I looked up my heart dropped to my stomach. It was Jeremiah." Gasps fill the air. Yup. My first love, standing in front of me. Out of the blue, and I didn't even look cute that day. I never had to try because I was with Chris but boy do I wish I got dressed up that day. When Jeremiah saw me his eyes lit up and relief shot through my bones. He grabbed me in a tight hug before sitting down and throwing question upon question at Chris and I. We had exchanged numbers that night and realized we had some things in common. Jeremiah and his wife had gotten a divorce and he had two children, both of which he had custody. We began taking the kids on day trips, playdates, outings and eventually we were seeing each other every day. Jeremiah and I became so comfortable again, it felt like we had become a family with us and the kids. He had taken me on a few dates that ended with a kiss here and a kiss there but it wasn't until three weeks ago that we became intimate again.

"Three weeks ago, for those of you who have been here with me, know that I started participating a lot more. Started mentioning Lily more, my mom, my life other than Kennedy", a few heads nod and I close my eyes, "that's when Jeremiah and I slept together again for the first time" My eyes are clenched shut but I still look down in an attempt to hide, "When we slept together, it didn't feel like it felt with all the other guys I had been with. It felt different. Strange, odd but all together good." I look up at the eyes scorching into my soul. Do they understand? It was good. He was good. But it wasn't like it was with Jesse and I don't think it ever will be. I hold back a sob at that thought. Jeremiah doesn't deserve that but neither did Jesse. Jesse didn't deserve what I did but I can't go back. I can't change it.

A heavy sigh leaves my body, "I bring it up because Jeremiah has asked me and my daughter to move with him to California, he's gotten a new job and I'm not sure what to do." I look up at the ladies who sit before me, waiting for someone to give me some direction but no one does. It's a long while before Lauren, the group leader, speaks up, "What does your heart say?" I look over at her in shock, my eyes wide and my mouth ajar. What the hell does she mean what does my heart say? If I damn well knew that I wouldn't be asking for help! My life has been too fucked up! I've fallen for too many wrong guys. My heart has lied to me too many times!

Before I can muster up a comment back to her and alarm goes off in the distance. Our two hour group therapy session is over and I feel like I'm at more of a loss than I was when I walked in. Lauren dismisses us all and I shake my head in an attempt to clear my head. She's given me a lot to think about but she hasn't helped me with my question. I thought that if everyone knew the whole story, knew my background, they could help me make a decision. I told Jeremiah that we would meet after for lunch after my session at a local diner before picking up the kids. How in the hell am I going to approach him now. What the hell am I going to tell him? He wants an answer and I've dragged this out for far too long, he needs to leave in a few weeks. With another deep sigh I start walking toward the diner with my head held low. Maybe when I see him I'll have an instant answer. He's not Jesse but I gave Jesse up. Jeremiah is good. He's good to me and he's good to Ava. My answer should be clear. My answer should be yes. So then why haven't I told him yes, yet?