Where the heart lies

Chapter 9

My heart sank more and more with each stride to my room. The ache in my feet from the glass had no effect on the pain I felt in my heart as my world started to crumble around me. How am I going to tell him? How do I make him understand? Is he still going to want me? My mind raced with questions and ways to get out of telling him the truth but as I entered my room I came face to face with the truth. There was no more hiding this. There was no escaping it. I had to be honest. He needed to know and if he didn't want me then I would have to accept that.

I closed the door behind me and sank down to the floor. I took breath after breath to try to calm my nerves before telling him my dreadful truth but I couldn't keep the tears from coming. I couldn't keep my voice from shaking. And just when I went to speak my truth he stopped me.

"Baby?" J's voice  was quiet, soothing. It was as if he knew that even the slightest noise around me would make the rest of my world shatter. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he continued, "but I want you to know that no matter what you tell me, it's not going to change how much I love you."

My world stopped. My heart clenched and I couldn't breathe.

Every ounce of strength I had vanished with those words.

My sobs filled the room and he waited patiently on the other line as I choked out tear after tear.

It felt like hours had passed with him sitting quietly on the phone, but with every minute that passed my crying started to slow. The lump in my throat started to disappear and I had finally managed to gather up enough courage to admit my truth.

"I'm not perfect," I began, "My life.....my world..... it's so fucked up and I don't want to drag you into all of this." The disappointment was clear in my voice, the heaviness of my words hung in the air. I waited a minute - maybe two, maybe even ten - for him to agree with me, to tell me that what we had was over. When Jeremiah didn't I continued, "My moms husband beats her..... and she isn't going to leave him. This is why I try to get out of the house all of the time or I'm locked in my bedroom everyday. Please don't pity me or look down on me. I don't need to be judged right now." It came out in a breath. Falling out of my mouth like a rocket. The heaviness of the words had been weighing on my heart for so long and when I finally said them, finally let out my secret,  I felt a slight sense of relief. A small piece of peace. I was about to continue when J interrupted.

"Do you really think I would judge you? Do you think that low of me? I would never, ever pity you or look down on you or even judge you!" He started to raise his voice in defense, "you have no control over the situation that you're in and you're handling it the best way you know how. I know your mom loves you the only way she knows how but I want you to know that I am here for you. I always will be! Please don't shut me out."

I gasped and stared at my bloody feet. He had just said all of the words I had hoped he would. I was shocked. Dumbfounded. Amazed. I couldn't move let alone speak. I never thought that I would hear those words from anyone when I admitted my truth, let alone from Jeremiah. I wanted to say so much to him. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, how grateful I was to have him in my life. How he was the first person I had ever told and how my insecurities were the cause of keeping my secret for so long. Not because of him or anyone else but because of me. Because I was scared. Terrified. But all I managed to get out was a slight whisper of "okay."

"Freya," his voice trailed off trying to find the right words to say. "I'm here. I'm always here."

I didn't say a word. I just smiled at my phone and closed my eyes basking in his words. Jeremiah had said that to me before but it meant something different this time. It meant something more.

We stayed on the phone for hours talking about everything that night. I told him every bit of truth about my home life, how it was and how it started to escalate. He managed to control his anger as best he could when I admitted that Gary turned his hands onto me. Jeremiah made me promise to go to his house if it ever got bad like that again. We had stayed on the phone together until I fell asleep. That night, although terrifying and troublesome, was the first night in my whole life that I truly felt loved. The first night that I had ever opened up fully to someone. The first night that someone told me they loved me - other than my mom. The first night someone made me feel safe in the chaos of my life.

But it wasn't just someone.

It was Jeremiah.

My Jeremiah.