Where the heart lies

Chapter 30

Gasps fill the room at my revelation and I smile shyly. Most of the women here haven't mentioned having children in our sessions, but by the way they unconsciously grab their stomachs at my words, it's not too far off that most of them, if not all, have felt life in their wombs at one point. Or at least can emphasize with my story.

I shake my head on a small breath, already bracing myself for the new girls wary question. She looks at me, tears brimming in her eyes, her tight grip on her stomach, protective. I know that grip. I've had that grip. "How did you get out? Did you keep the baby?" she asks tentatively.

More gasps fill the room and eyes shoot over to her with her intrusive question. But it's not intrusive at all. That's what we're here for. To help each other. I smile at her softly, knowingly. She's pregnant now and doesn't want anyone here to know or hasn't told anyone else yet. I unconsciously stroke my stomach, the memory of my once growing baby and the protectiveness coming through. Another deep breath fills my lungs and I nod, "Yeah. I kept her.", a sigh of relief leaves her mouth but there's worry still in the room, until I break through everyone's nerves with my words. " And she's the most beautiful little girl I've ever seen. She's my light in the darkness. She not only helped save me but she showed me what love really is. She helped me in ways she'll never know but oh man that little girl is the best thing that's ever happened to me." My love for my daughter shines through and happy tears start to stream down my face. As I wipe them away lightly and look up, I'm graced with smiles so bright it proves to me, even more, that my decisions that got me here were the best decisions I could have made.

"How old is she now? Does she have any contact with him?" the last word full of spite and I recognize the hatred tone. I shake my head, "My daughter's three now but no she has absolutely no contact with her biological father. He does know about her though, and that's a burden all on it's own." I clench my fists tightly, thinking back to the day I found out I was pregnant.

...

It was right after my twenty- third birthday and Kennedy and I had been arguing more and more. He had been disappearing more but when I saw him he was more aggressive, violent, evil. I had tried my hardest to keep him happy and keep the fighting to a minimum. I even went to the extremes of getting a second phone, that he thankfully knew nothing about. In it was the only number I had memorized....Jesse's. I had texted Jesse a few times, not giving him any information about how things were with Kennedy, but I'd be lying if I said he didn't know. Jesse kept me sane. He kept me grounded, and to this day I will forever be grateful for him.

I hadn't been feeling well and with Kennedy's disappearing act I called Jesse for comfort. His warm voice filled my ears and his insistence on me going to the doctor fueled me to get off my lazy bum and go. As I waited patiently in the waiting room, my leg started to shake with nerves and my fingers twitched on my phone.

What if the tell me something is horribly wrong? I shoot a text to Jesse, my nerves still getting the better of my twitching leg.

Nothing is wrong flower. And IF it is. IF. Then I will be there for you Freya. Always.

His comforting words made me smile so wide that when the nurse called my name, her look of confusion made me giggle. She must have thought how odd I was to be so excited about a doctors appointment. After the typical blood pressure and weighing, the nurse asks me a few questions before placing me in an exam room.

"What's the reason for the appointment, dear?" the elderly woman in Winnie the pooh scrubs asked me, keeping her eyes focused on the computer screen in front of her. "I haven't been feeling well lately." I claimed matter of factly. "Symptoms?" her tone warm and inquisitive but her eye contact lacking. "Nausea, some dizziness, and fatigue" I stated rubbing circles around my queasy tummy, feeling the slight need to run to the bathroom and vomit up the little bit of soup I ate that day. "When was the last day of your cycle, dear?" her question throws me off kilter and it's a few silent moments before she looks over at me. My face white and I turn sheepishly to look at her and shrug my shoulders, not able to remember the date of my last cycle. She leans over and hands me a clear cup container and nods toward the bathroom, "Take this, deary. We'll test your urine and the doctor will meet you in exam room three with the results" I nod my head and hesitantly leave the chair, walking like a zombie to the restrooms. Pregnant? There's no way! I've been so careful. There's no way.