Where the heart lies

Chapter 25

"That's how you lost your virginity? At your best friends funeral? To her brother? Oh my God!" Teresa, a girl who I've grown fond of in group, says in a breath. She is in utter shock about my first time, but in order for the new members to understand my story and Lauren the group therapist to help me heal I need to explain my road. My journey to now.

"Yup" I give her my simple answer and nod.

"I think it's kind of sweet. I mean yeah the circumstances weren't great but you guys clearly had something special and helped each other in a way" Denise, a new girl who just joined our Domestic Violence group chimes in.

I look up and meet her eyes, giving her a sweet smile. "Yeah. It wasn't the flowers, music, candles and sweet love making on a bed most people imagine when they lose their virginity but it was special just the same. Jesse was special." My grin is so wide at the thought of Jesse that I can't even hide it when I see everyone in the group eyeing me.

"Was?" Teresa asks quickly, sadness filling her eyes at my use of past tense. I look at her sheepishly and give a small smile. "He's always going to be special to me, him and I just haven't...." I let me sentence trail off and another new member, Rebecca, chimes in with curiosity. "Is Jesse the reason you're here?" Her question makes me gasp a little and sends a tightness in my stomach.

"God no! Jesse has never laid a hand on me! Ever!" I say in quick defense, "I mean at least not in that way" I give the group of eight ladies a sly grin. When I look around the room, the new members give me a quizzical look, as if trying to understand Jesse's role in me being here. I give a light sigh before continuing. "Jesse was my rock. He became my everything when I went down hill. When I got lost and found my way to Kennedy" I shake my head trying to rid myself of all of the bad memories, "Jesse was there. He found me, helped me find my way back to myself."

"So you guys are together?" Teresa asks confused. I shake my head, my heart tightening with her question. "Um. No. I'm kind of with someone else. Jesse and I lost touch a long time ago." All eight sets of eyebrows shoot up at me. I've always been one to share during group, wanting to better myself, heal, but I never fully shared my story. It's been years since I first started coming here, only three of the women I've know since my very first day, but I've never told them about Jesse, about my life, other than what had happened to me with Kennedy.

I give another sigh looking at Lauren for permission to continue my story. With a slight nod and a smile I look back to the rest of the group and continue telling them my journey.

...

After the funeral I felt myself going back down the rabbit hole. When my mom was murdered I had Lily and Deb there to help me cope. Help me keep on living my life. Having them gone I found myself lost and numb. Jesse had to sort through all of the finances and belongings, he told me, rather firmly suggested, I stay at the house but after a few weeks I couldn't keep passing Lily's room. I couldn't keep coming home to an empty house full of memories. A town filled with nothing but heartbreak, so on a whim I packed up two suitcases and left in the middle of the night. I found myself staying in a hotel for a few days before finding a job in the city, a listing for a girl roommate just outside Jersey City caught my eye and before I knew it I was moving in.

My new roommate Anna was barely ever around, she had a boyfriend and was constantly working, which suited my feelings of wanting to be alone. I found myself drowning in work, alcohol and sex. I had found a job at a hot nightclub, dancing and bar tending. It was the best solution for what I was feeling, free drinks and hot guys all around helped numb the pain of everything I had lost. Jesse would call and text me to check in and of course I would lie. Telling him that I was perfectly fine, doing great at my new job and new place, setting up plans to meet with him the next time he was in town and then coming up with excuse after excuse when he would arrive.