Where the heart lies

Chapter 10

Senior year. I always thought those two words were filled with so much hope, excitement and adventure. When I first started high school I couldn't wait for that day to come, the first day of senior year. Less course work, more fun. We could relax a little bit before we had to get serious about college and our careers and to top it all off I was going into senior year with a boyfriend.

The last first day of high school and I would share it with my best friend and our boyfriends. I finally had a boyfriend. But when the day came, it was all but exciting because of the night before with my mom and Gary. I was so entirely drained that I didn't bother to do my hair or makeup the way I usually would and in the words of Lily - I looked like who did it and ran. I wore a simple black T-shirt and jeans and slid on the most comfortable shoes I could find because of the cuts and ache of my shredded feet. The images and the words replayed in my head over and over as I tried to muster up the strength to get ready and plaster a smile on my face.

I had skipped breakfast in an attempt to stay away from my mother and stepfather and I rushed to the car when Lily pulled in the driveway, giving her no room to make it inside to say hello to them. "Are you ok Freya? You look... a little... tired," She said sympathetically, as if I didn't look at myself in the mirror before I left. "Yeah, I'm fine, just stayed up a little too late last night. I can't wait to get to school and see the guys," my attempt at trying to change the subject had worked.

"Chris said they're going to stop and get us coffee before class starts," before I could interrupt her, she finished, " don't worry Jeremiah told him to get you an iced tea." Her coy smile hit the side of my face and I couldn't hide the blush that rose on my cheeks, the butterflies in my stomach at the thought of Jeremiah knowing me so well. I've never liked the taste of coffee and although Lily had gotten me to try it multiple times over the years, my taste buds still decline the so-called nectar of the gods. We made it to school fifteen minutes before classes started, pulling up to see Chris standing in the parking lot, drinks in hand smiling for his girl to get out of the car.

"Isn't he just the sweetest." Lily gushed, parking the car and scrabbling out to meet her man. I shook my head to confirm, attempting to step out of the car. Before I could reach for the handle the door was swung open by my very own man. My green eyed, dirty blonde, hunk of a man.

My heart jumped into overdrive at the sight of him, I remember the warmth that swept over my body just from his presence. Everything I had felt for him before the incident last night had only amplified at his nurturing and protective words. His actions proved that he cared. Proved that he loved me. And I wanted to be loved. For the first time I wanted to let someone in. I wanted to let him in. My cheeks ached with how big my smile was and I laughed at myself for a minute. The thought that I could have ever felt something for anyone else was absurd. The things I felt for - or thought I felt for- Jesse was nothing compared to the way I was feeling for Jeremiah in that moment.

My body moved before my mind could tell it what to do and my arms swung around J's neck being careful not to spill the drinks in his hands. "Thank you," I whispered in his ear and kissed his cheek, backing away to stare at his beauty. He cocked his head to the side and smirked. "You're welcome, baby, but it's only iced tea," his girlish laugh glazed through my ears and warmed my soul. I smiled as the sound filled me. "Well, come on girl, let's get to class, we don't want to be late on our first day right?" J helped me out of the car being careful not to let me put too much pressure on my feet.

"Why do you care about that?" Chris said with a chuckle. Clearly he had overheard our conversation and continued, "It's not like they're going to do anything to you anyway. You won't be here." My  eyes shot up to Jeremiah and then to Chris. Jeremiah frowned and looked at Chris with a glare that could burn through his skin. "What?" I practically yelled, not realizing the attention I brought to us.

"Way to go Chris! You always have to open your damn mouth!" Jeremiah yelled, throwing his hands up and spilling his coffee all over his arms. "Great!" He whispered loudly looking at the mess. I grabbed his hands trying to get his attention back on me and the statement that had put my nerves in overdrive. "What does he mean?" I said as calmly as I could. J's eyes avoided mine as if they were the plague. Letting out a heavy breath he gave me an answer to my question. "My mom is tired of dealing with me so she's sending me to go live with my grandma in Florida. I wanted to tell you last night but with everything going on," he whispered, "I didn't want to put more on your plate. Please forgive me."

I stepped back in shock. My stomach that had been filled with butterflies and love for the guy who stood in front of me, plummeted to the concrete below me. My knees buckled and I wanted to collapse to the floor concaving in dry heaves. Instead, I grabbed his arm to steady myself and tried my hardest to control my breathing. Every ounce of hope I had to be happy, to let someone in, to fall in love, had just vanished into thin air as he said those words.

"How long have you known?" My voice reeked with anger, my eyes moving slowly to meet his with such fury they could seer him to the bone. Silence filled the air making my anger grow. "How long!" My voice carried through the wind and Lily turned toward us waiting for her cue to jump in.

"I've known for a few weeks!" Jeremiah's voice was loud but defeated. The words sliced through my already broken heart. "Weeks! You knew for weeks and you didn't tell me! W-What do you expect us to do? What are we supposed to be? I can't believe you weren't going to tell me! Is that it? Are we over?" the words spilled out of me in one long breath, my voice cracked and the tears from behind my eyes had started to make their way to the surface. I pushed his chest, trying to get as much distance between us as I could, as if getting him away from me would dull the ache. I will not cry. Not anymore. I repeated to myself praying that the mantra would keep the tears at bay.

Jeremiah grabbed my hands and brought them to his mouth kissing them ever so gently, "Look at me, please." He begged, waiting for my eyes to meet his before he continued. "I know you have a lot of questions and I want to answer them for you. Please, just give me a minute to explain." The bell for class rang through his words and dragged me out of our all consuming conversation. I shook my head, attempting to rid it of its thoughts, "I have to get to class. I can't be late on my first day," I said matter-of-factly and gave a half smile.

"Please, please let me explain," he begged to my back as I walked away from him. "Freya! Please! Just hear me out." The sound of his voice broke and my heart ached for him. I stopped in my tracks debating on what my next move would be and he took that as an opportunity to catch up to me. J grazed his fingers down my arm and whispered, "Please, I love you. I don't want this to be the end of us. Please, just let me explain." My anger fueled me but somewhere deep inside my heart I wanted to hear everything he had to say. I wanted nothing more than for us to still be an us, so I nodded and whispered, "Okay, later." Refusing to turn around and meet his face I continued on to class.

The day I had dreamed about for practically all of high school had blown up in my face. I would remember it always. Not for the happiness it brought me but for the pain. Not only did I have to attempt to hide the pain from my bruised body and cut feet, but I then had to hide the fact that my heart had broken in two right there in the parking lot. For the rest of that day I was consumed with grief about Jeremiah leaving. Thoughts raced through my mind like bullets and the ache in my body grew bigger and bigger at the thought of the conversation we were going to have.